'Colombia' Discuss the subjects in which you excel or have excelled. Success factors.

When I was eleven years old, I moved from Colombia to the United States. It was a young age, but such a drastic change hit me hard. On the first day of school here in America, I could remember it as my most terrible experience. I walked in, and all eyes were on me. The teacher welcomed me and introduced me to the class, but I could not understand a word she was saying. I had tears in my eyes, and all my peers were staring and pointing at me. As far as I can remember, all I really knew what to say was: hello, thank you, yes, and no. On that day, all the girls were asking me questions, and that was seriously so frustrating. I felt lost inside, and I just wanted to have my old life back. When the school year was almost over, I still had no friends. I used to walk around recess by myself, and no one would talk to me because I was the girl who could not speak English. In addition, I kept getting appalling grades, and I ended up having to go to summer school. Back in Colombia, I used to get astonishing grades, and since I could not comprehend what the teacher was teaching I almost failed fourth grade. In middle school, I had a strong accent and people still made fun of me. I was so introverted, and I was not able to ever speak in front of the class. Asking questions to the teacher was so nerve wracking, and I was finally put in ESOL. I hated going to it so much. It took part of my lunch, and talking to the teacher made me truly anxious. However, I decided to help myself; I started going to the library, and reading books. It became a hobby. I started to watch TV with subtitles, listened to the radio and translated the songs. Without knowing my speaking became fluent and it became easier to understand what people were saying. Now that I am in high school, I am confident enough to do speeches, and go in front of the class. I get all A's in all of my classes. I am proud of myself, and it makes me really glad when people get astonished when I tell them I am Colombian. Some people even say I do not have an accent. I worked really hard to fit in, and I still am.

I get that you are trying to show the struggle you overcame, but I think that if you shorten the first part down it will allow you to better touch on how you are now excelling in America. That is the most important part of the essay you are trying to demonstrate and yet it is only a couple of sentences at the end of your paper. The topic is interesting though so just try and make it a little stronger!

i think it's a good essay, but I think the factors that attributed to your success can be more expanded since that's part of the prompt.. maybe like an incident where you really realized that you've become better?

But it's just a suggestion. Good luck!