Write an essay which conveys to the reader a sense of who you are. Possible topics may include, but are not limited to, experiences which have shaped your life, the circumstances of your upbringing, your most meaningful intellectual achievement, the way you see the world - the people in it, events great and small, everyday life - or any personal theme which appeals to your imagination. Please remember that we are concerned not only with the substance of your prose but with your writing style as well. We prefer that you limit yourself to approximately 250-500 words (or 1-2 pages).
I smiled at the children as they penned down their thoughts on what they wanted to change about their lives. It was the last reflection session of the 3 day 2 night camp before we parted the next day. The camp, which was organized by the Children-at-risk Empowerment Association, targeted students who did poorly academically. I softly asked one of the Malay boys seated beside me if he could share his story. With downcast eyes, he told me that he would work harder in his studies and he hoped that his parents would stop comparing him with his elder brother.
These kids, I realized, were not dumb at all. All I needed to do was to explain to them the strategies and they would know how to win the game. Unfortunately, coming from low-income or dysfunctional families, many of their parent(s) didn't know how to teach them or didn't have time for them or were simply in jail. I felt a stab of pain as I realized how discriminating society has become towards these children who were less academically-inclined. The children told me that even their teachers had given up on them. I grew to respect these kids who despite their setbacks, continued to display a zest for life. They taught me to be humble while I taught them to be better persons.
I have been volunteering since I was 13 years old. Volunteering has long become a hobby of mine as it brings me satisfaction on top of learning experiences. It allows me to see the different facades of society; the elderly abandoned in the old folks' home; the disabled struggling to be normal; the other volunteers trying to make a difference. Somehow along the way, my heart has been molded to be one that serves the hearts of the needy. Sometimes, when teachers ask me what I aspire to be, my reply would be I don't know, but it would definitely involve helping people.
As I look forward to college, my purpose in life remains clear - to contribute positively to society. It was community service which made me realize how fortunate I was. Taking for granted many things like my parents' support, the opportunities I received in school and even the shelter over my head, I feel that there is a need to do something about it. I know now that my life will only be meaningful if I can serve my people. If anything, this camp was one of the most defining experiences for me. Through this short camp, I ascertained my aspiration to work in the public service commission. Hopefully in the near future, these children will receive better support and grow to be confident young men and women.
Do you think this essay tells you who I am? How should I improve it? Thank you!
I think your essay is good, but I think it seems a little cliche. I think I would focus on a single event and weave your response into a story. I like how you started it off with the kids but then you started expanding on a list of other things that ended up putting me to sleep.
But hey, what do I know? I'm not the one applying to a top-notch university like Columbia.
It was the last reflection session of the three day, two night camp before we parted the next day.
Maybe you should use a colon instead of a dash:
As I look forward to college, my purpose in life remains clear: to contribute positively to society.
No, this is a meaningful essay... I think it will go over well. I think you could take inspiration from one of your favorite paragraphs and tack on another sentence to the end of one -- a sentence that reflects on how the experience shapes "who you are."
Hi thanks for all the advice :)
Sorry Kevin, could you explain your last point? I don't quite get it. Thanks!
Here's an edited version (just the latter paras)
I smiled at the children as they penned down their thoughts on what they wanted to change about their lives. It was the last reflection session of the 3 day, 2 night camp before we parted the next day. The camp, which was organized by the Children-at-risk Empowerment Association, targeted students who did poorly academically. I softly asked one of the Malay boys seated beside me if he could share his story. With downcast eyes, he told me that he would work harder in his studies and he hoped that his parents would stop comparing him with his elder brother.
These kids, I realized, [...]
The thing is, about your essay, is that it captures me. It's a good essay, however, you can improve more by shortening your love of community service into less words and sentences. Because less but important sentences can, well, not putting people to sleep, you know what i mean, it's elicit and not boring.
Hope it helps,
Angela629
