The question is essentially "Why Columbia?" Please point out parts that are too vague, awkward, wierd or poorly stated. Also, please tell me which parts are good or need to be expanded on. That's helpful too. Considering the selectivity of Columbia, the essay has to be very good. At this point, I know its passably decent, but I want it to be "perfect," at the risk of sounding obsessed.
"It's dying," the whispers surrounding me hiss, ever louder as the impending end looms closer. The newspapers, suave anchormen, angry pundits, and defeated academics - the whole of practical society - all declare in one discordant condemnation: the liberal arts education is no more.
I know the truth though. Such hysteria and rumor mongering is put to a triumphant rest by Columbia, a large research university at the heart of throbbing NYC that provides all the practical advantages of modernity and progress yet preserves the ideal of broad based study with its unmatched Core Curriculum. Columbia's dedication to the pursuit of knowledge solely for the sake of becoming knowledgeable has made it my top choice. Bread based education I like that line, a degree good only for a comfortable desk job and a neat house in Suburbia with two cars on the driveway, isn't a fate I care to surrender myself to. I want to immerse myself: test the limits of my mind and stretch its imagination into every area of study, to walk into a dinner party and converse with the musician and the scientist with equal dexterity, to marinate in the atmosphere of knowledge and exploration that is so palpable at Columbia's campus. At Columbia, I can go from Ancient Greece to Microbiology to Music Theory. To do this amidst the smoke and lights of the most cosmopolitan city in the world brings together education and opportunity in an explosively perfect combination.
Thank you! Impressions? Errors? Comments?
Umm, can I say wow?
The beginning was great! It is definitely not too weird. Salient details.
The only thing I would say is some of the sentences are too long. Make them into separate sentences.
Such hysteria and rumor mongering is put to a triumphant rest by Columbia, a large research university at the heart of throbbing NYC that provides all the practical advantages of modernity and progress yet preserves the ideal of broad based study with its unmatched Core Curriculum.
I want to immerse myself: test the limits of my mind and stretch its imagination into every area of study, to walk into a dinner party and converse with the musician and the scientist with equal dexterity, to marinate in the atmosphere of knowledge and exploration that is so palpable at Columbia's campus.
Great example with the dinner party though!
Can't end a sentence with a preposition
Bread based education, a degree good only for a comfortable desk job and a neat house in Suburbia with two cars on the driveway, isn't a fate I care to surrender myself to .
Can't end a sentence with a preposition.
To do this, amidst the smoke and lights of the most cosmopolitan city in the world, brings together education and opportunity in an explosively perfect combination.
I felt the ending was incomplete. It sort of abruptly ended. But, your word choice and examples were great!
Dont worry about talking about location, they know they are in new york, They know the campus is beautiful. It's like walking up to a gorgeous model and complementing her looks, she knows. The first paragraph is a little bizarre. But I can understand your interest. Talk more about you and less about them. Good idea, definately attention grabbing!
ok. thanks.
and pcheeves, yes I know that the city is pretty much discussed in all the responses. I just wanted to mention it, and I did only do so in passing.
wow.. wayyyy to make my why colombia seem ...not that great haha
I think you did a wayyyyyyyyyyy good job. It definitely grabbed my attention and gave me a sense of why you wanted to go
You have it all...
I mean The way you say is really tell Columbia that you know them! You wanna go there cause it's the place where you found it good, not because it's an ivy league /or just because they're famous.
Columbia should be proud to welcome you as a student of a class of 2011
Good luck!
BTW, Thank you very for helping me on my essay.
You did an awesome job :]
Extremely impressive essay. As I began reading it, I thought "Well gee, this Kruti Shah writes an awful lot like I do!" But then you started talking about dexterity and marinating and I think my head just about toppled off.
Don't listen to the people that tell you to not describe the city - you illustrated it beautifully, in an extremely lively way. I'm applying to NYC universities as well, and I was made even more interested by your essay.
Only small critiques, and a couple questions;
1. Perhaps refer to the "whispers" surrounding us , instead of you and you only. Makes it sound like this is a more common consensus - that the liberal arts education has died.
2. Please make some sort of reference to your intended area of study! Are you choosing Columbia to gain your teaching credential? Hell no! You want to be an international journalist, surgeon, philosopher, you name it. Tell them why you're choosing them in relation to your interests, aside from the excitement of the city and the unconventionality of their learning environment.
First question: What's the word limit?
Second question: You're obviously a brilliant writer, and an interesting thinker. Would you mind looking at one or two of my essays? I'd really appreciate it. And if you'd like any more input I'd be happy to share.
I was blown away. Such clear, concise yet flawless language.
Good luck!
oh thank you guys! I really appreciate it! Hannover, I have taken in mind your suggestions and I'll also look over your posted essays as soon as I post this. The character limit is 1500, I think I'm right at the edge. tennisqueen: thank you! I was impressed with your essay as well so I'm glad you think so!
Greatness!! Besiides the grammar corrections the first person made, i think your essay was extremely awesome! great language, very concise!!
I would like if you please check my princeton essay i kinda need help making it smoother and shorter! Thank you in advance and best of lucks!! :))
This is really good! So unique!
I like that you put me instead of us, it makes it more personal, but either way you would be fine. One thing you could change is
"
the whole of practical society
"
is it really practical society if you know the truth and they are telling you a lie? It might make it more interesting as well to call the condemnations of so many educated people impractical. Your call!
Overall this is really strong and really great! I wish you the best of luck!!
Very good. It is very special! Great language and the essay really suck me in!
I like the way you describe in the second paragraph.
I can sense ur great desire to get admitted, good job!
Good luck!
thanks. your suggestions have been really helpful. here's an edited version:
...
What do you think of the changes? Also, I have 40 characters left. Any suggestions as to where I can add a few details or expand on an idea?
Thanks!
I know the truth, though. Such hysteria and rumor mongering is are put to a triumphant rest ( I think triumphantly to rest would be better, because the rest is not triumphant.
What this essay amounts to is a demonstration of excellent writing ability (That grammar error above -- is/are -- is something people probably won't notice). In addition to demonstrating the ability to write in clever, complex ways with poetic rhythm, which is an awesome skill, you can demonstrate that you are a forward thinking, proactive person with a well developed plan and a methodical way of carrying it out. List several goals for the next year and several goals for the next 4 years, , and they will be more impressed.
:-)