I was wondering if this essay was off topic or not (eventhough there is no specific 'topic' for William and Mary supplement). Anyhow, help please!
Prompt: Beyond your impressive academic credentials and extra curricular accomplishments, what else makes you unique and colorful? 500 words (I wrote about 509..)
Essay:
I see my mom coming into my room with her cell phone, and know immediately that she wants me to send a text message for her. After translating what she said and typing it into the phone, I hand it over to her, who then pat my head. A little while later, my younger sister comes in to ask me the meaning of a Chinese word in her textbook. While explaining the meaning to her, I notice my dad coming in to ask me to call the landlady to discuss the problem about the bathroom. This is a typical scene at home.
I have always been, and still is, my family's 'mouth'. Full of curiosity, I was always able to adapt to new environments pretty quickly. This helped me make friends in no time when my family went to live in Canada and China; in fact, every time my family moved to a new country. New friends meant more opportunities to speak and understand the local language, and thus I leaned new languages at significant speeds. Therefore, it was not surprising that I became the mouth of my family. No matter where we went and what we did, I was always the one who spoke for my family and represented them.
As time passed by, being the 'mouth' became a part of my identity. Through having to constantly talk to strangers and speak on my own, I gained confidence and became independent. Not only that, from my experiences as acting as my family's mouth, I discovered my potential and enthusiasm towards learning new languages and cultures. Gradually, this zest towards new worlds and letters led me to dream of being able to freely speak in vast variety of languages and becoming the mouth of many more people; I started to dream of becoming the voice of those who are, like how my family tried to do every time we encountered something new, struggling to express themselves to the world, and wanted to become the mouth of those who want to shout out to the world their existence.
Still living inside my world of living as a mouth, I see myself becoming more thoughtful and mature, and see my desire for languages becoming stronger as days go by. Imagining myself having achieved the dream of acting as more and more people's voice, I get overflowed with the satisfaction and happiness that cannot be acquired from anything else in the world. Now I am ready to take a step forward, to start the race towards that dream.
I love it! It is definitely on topic. I would work on a stronger concluding sentence (perhaps a shorter one?).
I have always been, and still is , my family's 'mouth'. - still am
I like the topic and how you introduce it - traditional family, adaptive to environment, being the family's mouth,
I have a suggestion - shorter sentences. This line in particular "However, every time my mother pats me on the head, and every time my father gives his big smile after I help him telephone a person, all the hardships and loads on my shoulder disappears and I get overflowed with the satisfaction and happiness that cannot be acquired from anything else in the world." Make it shorter. It otherwise becomes hard for the reader.
All the best!
The essay is very creative and really engages the reader in the kind of life that you lead. It offers us an opportunity to see how your family functions and how your family appreciates the way that you continue to be the "mouth" of your family. I agree with the others though, you need to shorten the descriptions somehow. Just giving us an overview, limiting it to the 2 or 3 most important examples of how you are the mouthpiece of your family will more than suffice.
Your conclusion needs some more work. It is weakened by the fact that you rehash information that you have already previously shared with the reader. Totally change your concluding paragraph to become more of a statement about what you have learned about yourself from this experience and how you see this experience continuing to help you develop as a person and as a professional in the future.
Thank you all for such great suggestions! The conclusion part was originally one of the body paragraphs but because of the word limit I cut off the original conclusion off so I guess that was one of the problems. Anyhow I fixed the essay a little and this is how it looks:...
Thank you again for the suggestions!
I liked your essay a lot! It's highly original and gets the point across.
... I hand it over to her, who then pats my head.
I have always been, and still am , my family's 'mouth'. Full of curiosity, I was always able to adapt to new environments omitt pretty quickly. This has helped me make friends in no time when ...
As time passed by, being the 'if you are going to surround mouth with quotation be consistent and do it throughout the whole text ' became a part of my identity.
Gradually, this zest towards new worlds and change letters to "cultures" led me to dream of being able to freely speak ...
overall, this is an extremely well written and incredibly original piece! Great job!
Thank you so much for the grammar check and complement, I really appreciate it!
