Hello pls I would I like for someone to comment on my essay.I find it is really important to ask for help on a huge platform like this.Pls I really need help,I was rejected everywhere last year for bad essays.Thank you so much.Here it is:
''Don't come here again! Loser!
"Tunde I thought I asked you not to select this boy?"
"Look at how pathetic he played."
"Go away!Don't return!"
That was Ade yelling at me.I lay on the floor,curled up, wincing at the pain of the bruises I had sustained from being assaulted by my colleagues.Ade was the biggest and strongest amongst us, who were 10-11 year old kids.He chose who would play the zonal football matches.These competitions were very special because young players from all zones of the local government area participated.It was an opportunity for the participants to display their talents and hopefully receive tons of accolades.If any zonal team lost,they would take a compulsory hiatus of two months from playing. If not, they would only have five days.Everyone of course wanted the latter.
Growing up, I wasn't allowed to hang out with other kids in our neighborhood.My parents feared I might turn out a rascal.The only opportunity I had socializing was at school.Football was the main activity at school,but I had unknown reasons for not participating.During breaks certain kids would choose who would play. To make the matches competitive and entertaining,they would select only skilled players. Whenever I was selected, I would run back and forth across the football field whle others scored goals,made saves and resisted their opponents.Those days were for me better than the days when I wasn't chosen at all. I couldn't really decipher why playing came naturally to others and not me? Why? And for the fear of being embarrassed, I just couldn't approach them to teach me how to play: I was also considered weak because I wouldn't be seen climbing a tree,starting a fight or performing backflips. [..]
- Atom, I know that you were going for a dramatic effect to reel in the reader of your essay. However, your depiction over dramatizes the event in your life. Instead of presenting this, which at this point is only a word filler, you should instead go directly to the paragraph that describes how you were not allowed by your parents to play with other children and how it affected you. That is more dramatic and immediately tells the reader something about you.
Atom you have a problem with punctuation usage. While you use the periods and other punctuation marks properly, you are failing to hit the space bar before typing a new word. This makes the sentence very difficult to read. Please correct the spacing problem between sentences to make it easier to read.
- Combine the opening description that you have about being beaten after the competition. That will work perfectly in explaining what happened to you at the zonal meet in this paragraph.
- Atom, this is a very strong statement worthy of being your introductory paragraph. I suggest that you use it as such and develop it in such a way that it will smoothly transition into the story of your life.
If you can apply the revisions I suggested, we can review the theme of the essay again just to make sure it answers the prompt. If it works, we will correct the grammatical errors, adjust the punctuation marks, and shorten the paragraphs where possible in the next revision stage.
Thank you so much vangiespen.
I have a problem understanding the second correction you gave.The one that said "combine the opening description you have about being beaten in the first paragraph."
Can you elucidate or maybe give an example?
Also,about using the last paragraph as a strong opener.How do I that and still say everything I want to say that is centered there? And how can I finish strongly without it? Again,maybe an example would help.Thanks.
Atom, here is an example of the combined paragraph:
Zonal matches were something I never dreamt of playing.They were very consequential.I had that in mind when I pleaded to play the day before I was beaten mercilessly.I wanted to try.I wanted to be seen.I wanted my colleagues to know I could stand up in the big days.I wanted to be a surprise.I wanted respect.I was hoping that the worst case scenario would be like one of those days where I won't be noticed.I got none of that.I missed two goals that I should clearly have scored.This time it wasn't just about my talent at football;It was also about nervousness.Even a young and inexperienced player would have scored with those opportunities. My errors were too numerous. I received just not a blow in the stomach or a kick in the knee.I was surrounded and beaten by eight kids,with sticks and punches. It was as if I was a thief. Whenever I tried to escape,a hard blow would send me back to the floor.
''Don't come here again! Loser!
"Tunde I thought I asked you not to select this boy?"
"Look at how pathetic he played."
"Go away!Don't return!"
That was Ade yelling at me.I lay on the floor,curled up, wincing at the pain of the bruises I had sustained from being assaulted by my colleagues.Ade was the biggest and strongest amongst us, who were 10-11 year old kids.He chose who would play the zonal football matches.These competitions were very special because young players from all zones of the local government area participated.It was an opportunity for the participants to display their talents and hopefully receive tons of accolades.If any zonal team lost,they would take a compulsory hiatus of two months from playing. If not, they would only have five days.Everyone of course wanted the latter.
This describes what you went through in life that became central to your development as a person.
Here is a sample of how you can use your conclusion as an opening paragraph:
Inequality exists in our world because of the diversity of personalities and desires of each person. It is the nature of man to want to achieve the best that he can and prove his worth in collective engagements such as sports. Sports is a world where all men can play the game but not all men can succeed. I can play football, but as my previous experiences in life have proven, I cannot succeed at it due to various reasons that stem from the inequality of my upbringing from my peers.
You can then proceed to explain how you were brought up sheltered by your parents...
I hope i was able to clarify your questions. Don't hesitate to ask if you feel the need to do so :-)
Thanks vangsepien! I'll try it out and show in few hours time!Sorry I'm a slow writer! :-) :-)
Hey :-) I have re-fixed the first five paragraphs the way you said I should.I don't know how to end the essay since I've lost it to the first already. In the first paragraph,I wrote down what you wrote but it's just to save time;I'll still change it.Look at it,and tell me what needs more fixing(some places seem disorganized).I am a really bad writer,so I'm sorry for the stress.Also,do you find the story "interesting"?
Inequality exists in our world because of diversities and personalities of each person.It is the nature of man to want to achieve the best and prove his worth in collective engagements such as sports.Sport is a game where all men can play but not all can succeed.I can play football but ,as my prevous experiences have shown,cannot succeed stemming from inequality of upbringing relative to my peers.
Growing up, I wasn't allowed to hang out with other kids in our neighborhood.My parents feared I might turn out a rascal.The only opportunity I had socializing was at school.Football was the main activity at school,but there were certain reasons I hardly participated in it.During breaks certain kids would choose who would play and to make the matches competitive and entertaining,they would try selecting only skilled players. Whenever I was selected, I would run back and forth across the football field while others scored goals,made saves and resisted their opponents.Those days were not too long as it got to the point when I wasn't chosen at all. I couldn't really decipher why playing came naturally to others and not me? Why? And for the fear of being embarrassed, I just couldn't approach them to teach me how to play: I was also considered weak because I wouldn't be seen climbing a tree,starting a fight or performing backflips.
I resolved to give up trying to belong.I remained the quiet kid at school.Alone during breaks.Alone when going home. When I turned nine, my parents finally let me join our neighbors on the streets. I picked up from where I stopped at school.My social life steadily improved. But I discovered that my peers couldn't really associate well with me;I still had the same problem I had at school.I tried to get my football skills up to par on my own.I worked really hard at it.I got a football from my dad,practiced when I came back from school,on weekend evenings,anytime I had the chance to.But it seemed like the harder I pressed,the worse I got.Anytime I was chosen to play,I would make one flop or the other.I didn't have the skills other kids had. Being selected to play became a privilege for me.Anytime they did, I would try hard to impress them. When I played on some days, I would be lucky enough not to be noticed at all.But on other days I would usually end up with a punch in my stomach,a knock or a slap.I allowed it not only because I couldn't fight back but also because I didn't feel it was right to fight back. I couldn't tell my parents of the humiliation I was facing.My social life was more important.
Zonal matches were something I never dreamt of playing.They were very consequential.I had that in mind when I pleaded to play the day before I was beaten mercilessly.I wanted to try.I wanted to be seen.I wanted my colleagues to know I could stand up in the big days.I wanted to be a surprise.I wanted respect.I was hoping that the worst case scenario would be like one of those days where I won't be noticed.I got none of that.I missed two goals that I should clearly have scored.This time it wasn't just about my talent at football;It was also about nervousness.Even a young and inexperienced player would have scored with those opportunities. ''Don't come here again! Loser!
"Tunde I thought I asked you not to select this boy?"
"Look at how pathetic he played."
"Go away!Don't return!"
That was Ade yelling at me.He was the biggest and strongest amongst us 10-11 year old kids and chose who would play the zonal football matches.I lay on the floor,curled up, wincing at the pain of the bruises I had sustained.I had been surrounded and beaten by eight kids,with sticks and punches,like I was a thief.Whenever I tried to escape,a hard blow would send me back to the floor.
That event made my social life inconsequential. I retracted from people I no longer considered my friends.I could see in their eyes,anytime I came outside,something begging me to come back.Something telling me that they were sorry for what they did.But I wasn't sure;none of them swallowed their pride to tell me such.And I wouldn't go back on my decision anyway.From then on,my going outside was either to buy sweets and biscuits or just to feel the serenity of being outside itself.In secondary school it was a different story.Throughout primary school I was consistently in the top two of the class.I was enthusiastic about learning.I loved science,art,commerce ,mathematics.But no one was interested in that.The real fun was playing.One could either play,or stay alone depressed.Secondary school accepted me the way I was.It made me realize I could be social academically.My peers were supportive.I could comfortably talk about how a chemical reaction starts and someone else interested in music could talk about the latest song release.That was how I had always wanted my life to be but rather it was based on discrimination. Isolation because I was weak.Discrimination because football didn't come naturally to me.My childhood could have made me a worse person.But it did the exact opposite because I know what is right and I know how it feels to be oppressed for being different.
Atom, let me try and fix this up for you.
- I grew up in a secluded environment because my parents did not want me to be exposed to bad influences. The only time I socialized with children my age was when I was at school where football was the main bonding activity of the kids. Sadly, I never learned how to play football before coming to school because nobody in my family had the time to teach me. So I played very badly and would often not be chosen for the team when the game was played at school. When I did play, all I did was run across the field because I did not know how to score goals, make saves, or avoid my opponents. Needless to say I was often embarrassed because not even the worse team in school wanted me to play with them. I could never really understand why I could not play the game and I did not have the guts to ask my peers to teach me how to play the game properly.Zonal matches were something I never dreamt of playing...
- To this day I still can't understand how I ended up playing in the zonal matches when I was the worst player in my zone. The football matches were important games that were set up between 10-11 year old boys. Losing in the games meant that your team could not participate in other games for 2 months. Winning meant that the team would only have to sit out 5 days. Needless to say, I played very badly and probably caused my team to lose. So I can understand why they decided to take their ire out on me after we lost the game. I can still remember what happened;
"Tunde I thought I asked you not to select this boy?"
"Look at how pathetic he played."
"Go away!Don't return!"
Tunde was the person in charge of choosing the boys who would play in the zonal matches. The person screaming was Ade, and I was the boy lying on the ground, curled up and wincing in pain after having taken a beating set upon me by eight kids who used sticks and punches to inflict bodily harm upon me. Each time I tried to escape, the more I was beaten, It seemed to me that they would not stop until I lay lifeless on the floor.That event made my social life inconsequential...
- I began to think that my parents were right about keeping me secluded in the house. My social life was inconsequential. I withdrew from socializing with other people my age because I could see that they did not see me as a friend. Some of them had anger and disgust for me. Others showed me compassion and regret for beating me up with their eyes. to protect myself, I no longer left the house unless I needed to.Playing may have been fun but it was not worth risking my life over. It was not until secondary school that I changed my mind about mingling with my classmates and I began to try to make friends again.Now I was finally accepted because I excelled where others could not, academically. My peers were now supportive and shared my interests in math and science. Others welcomed me to their circle where were spoke about the latest songs and other kinds of music. I finally realized my dream of being accepted as an equal among my peers. No longer was I discriminated against for being a poor player. No longer was I on unequal footing with my peers. My life began to improve and eventually, I was able to put the past behind me and become a new, better person that I could be happy with.Try my suggestions and see if you will like it. If you do, try to make it the basis of your new version. Let's see what we can do with it :-)
I hope you mean I should use it as guide for something more sophisticated.The vocabulary is quite dumbed down...:-)?
Atom, do as you wish with the essay. My work here is simply to guide you towards the polishing of your written work. If you feel the vocabulary is dumbed down, feel free to use more sophisticated words. I have to warn you though, most essays fail to impress the admissions officers because the writers use big words they found in a dictionary or thesaurus without really considering if it is applicable to the sentence they have constructed. Be careful with your choice of words. Just because you use a sophisticated word does not mean you will impress the admissions officer. There are times when simply using ordinary words, but allowing the real you to shine through in the essay is more effective than a bunch of important sounding words strung together.
I am not dissuading you from upping the ante on the vocabulary, I am just informing you of the possible drawbacks when you use words that you may not completely understand or is not truly applicable to the situation you are describing. Admissions officers know when the words used were based on a dictionary or thesaurus. Remember these are native speakers of English who can tell when someone is putting on an act in their essays.
What I posted was to serve as a guide for you and nothing more. Do what you will with the essay. There are no right or wrong answers in the forum. That is for the admissions officer to decide.