Comm App Short Activity Essay- "Endure the Storm"

This is a rough draft. I am wondering if the essay flows well and I'm not sure about the last sentence. Does it focus enough on myself? Any comments or critiques would be greatly appreciated.

Prompt: Please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

"If you wish to see the rainbow you must first endure the storm"; While I may not be able to link this quote to its original orator, I suspect that individual was a cross country runner. In no other sport do competitors willfully subject themselves to the fatigue, anxiety, and pain associated with a three-mile race. The whirlwind of this distant storm is initially felt during blazing summer practices and slowly evolves into a blitzkrieg sweat and oxygen indebted lungs by the first race. The rainbow is representative of the unrivaled feelings of personal pride and accomplishment invoked by crossing the finish line. Although the idea of work and reward is exemplified through my sport, it is a universal message. Excellent grades are not a product of single bursts of enthusiasm and moral fiber isn't strengthened by periodic acts of benevolence. Many endeavors prove neither easy nor provide instant gratification, but through tenacity I strive to obtain greater rewards.

R Clark

If you writing An acedamic essay please don't use "I" or "We"

This is a common app question, right? So I wouldn't consider it an academic essay. It is more personal.

I think you should either find out who the speaker of the quote was, or set it off by itself and just label it 'anonymous.' It's a slight little thing, but you don't want admissions officers already thinking that you aren't willing to do some research. In college, after all, you are going to be doing lots of research.

i like this short response a lot.
you break down the quote into how it relates to your activity and makes sense.

idk if it really focuses on you, it seems more like it focuses on cross country runners in general , maybe you should put more of yourself into it, like "i felt the ... " or something?

I really like where it seems you are trying to go with it.

I think you need to tone down the descriptions just a bit. The writing seems too forced.

I think that the "I may not be able to link this quote to its original orator" bit is weak. Have you googled the quote? If it is an "anonymous" quote...then talk about that instead. If you know who it is..you can talk about "while not much is known about ___'s life...I suspect..."

The idea behind that beginning is smart.

I feel like

"In no other sport do competitors willfully subject themselves to the fatigue, anxiety, and pain associated with a three-mile race."

is a bit extreme. Lots of sports require people running constantly for 1.5 hour games. Three miles just doesn't sound like that long for the intensity of that language. (Yes, I have run cross country before. Yes, I know it is hard, fast, and you can be injured.) But, I have also ran marathons, played on soccer teams that required non-stop sprinting for an hour in games etc. I just think your description is too extreme (maybe because of all the other excessive language in the essay). It just makes you lose credibility a bit.

"Whirlwind of storm"---- you lose me here. The over attempted poetry of this is just too much. It doesn't add.

I think you would benefit from dropping the extensive metaphor that you draw out from the first quote. Use it as an intro---it is good. Talk about the guy and how he must have been a cross country runner---also strong, clever etc.

But, drop it from there. Talk more about you. Stop the metaphor--it just gets cheesy, redundant, and dramatic.

Good start.

If it reads like you used a thesaurus for every other word---no good. Relax a bit with your words!