In the space provide,
elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal, etc.)
150 words or fewer
"Yes," I said to myself as joy that could only come by means of perseverance rushed through my body like water that had just triumphed over a damn. I sat, staring at the computer screen: "11 out of 763". Junior year, and my dreams were coming true. Kids laughed when I said I planned on founding an Investment Club at my high school of barely 200 students. We met every week, twice a week. We researched for hours. The first half of the year, I attempted to instill knowledge acquired over the course of half of a decade. It was for this reason that staring at our team's ranking during the two month "Stock Market Game" elated me to such extent. I have passion for knowledge and passion for financial markets; most importantly, I have passion for results. Watching our hard work culminate in that moment made everything worth it.
Yes," I said to myself as joy that could only come by means of perseverance rushed through my body like water that had just triumphed over a damn.
^Huh? I think that you mean "dam". The comparison here doesn't really work for me.
You need to include what you actually do in the club.
I like it, especially the last sentence. Fix the first sentence (for some reason, the simile here feels out of place.)
That's very cool you have an investment club! I'm part of one too. Out of curiousity, what website do you use?
We use Virtual Stock Exchange (vse.marketwatch.com)
for our member competition
we compete regionally (multiple states) in
"The Stock Market Game"(smgww.org)
how about you?
Oh we use the same website! Thats so crazy! But we only compete amongst ourselves, in our own private group (VSE)...our advisor wanted us to join a bigger competition, but I dont know what happened, haha.
More reviews appreciated!!!
Except for the first sentence, the rest of the essay seems to be fine. Concise yet gives all the details. I think it works.
The first sentence just rambles on and has a very weak simile which is quite ineffective.
Your use of the pronoun 'we' is ambiguous, and from a grammatical viewpoint, it suggests that you and your doubters did all that research.
Overall, it is not that strong of an essay. It has scope to be good, but currently, your mannerisms of expression are rather weak and not effective.
Yeah, i gave it to my english teacher to read and she really likes it (especially the parallelism at the end), particuraly given the 150 word limit, but i changed the first part to
"Yes," I thought out loud. Satisfaction that could only come from perseverance rushed through my body.
i changed a few other things and now i have this:
"Yes," I thought out loud. Satisfaction that could only come from perseverance rushed through my body. I stared at the computer screen: "11 out of 763." Junior year, and my dreams were coming true. Kids laughed when I said I planned on founding an investment club at my high school of barely 200 students; I did, and the club met every week, twice a week. We performed research, technical analysis, virtual trading... the first half of the year, I attempted to instill knowledge acquired over the course of half of a decade. It was for this reason that staring at our team's rank during the two month "Stock Market Game" elated me to such extent. I have passion for knowledge and passion for financial markets; most importantly, I have passion for results. Watching our hard work culminate in that moment made every minute worth it.
and how can a non-native critique my grammar and written expression? liebe
and how can a non-native critique my grammar and written expression? liebe
I should just let Liebe speak for himself here, but English is his native language. He may reside in a country where English is not the primary language. He may have a name that sounds foreign to you. He's quite capable though.
I like that the first sentence has been changed; it threw me in the first draft. I would also perhaps expand on what your dreams are, since the reader is left wondering if your ambition ends at ranking 11 out of 763 in a virtual stock market. Still, the short answer is decent overall and has good direction.
and how can a non-native critique my grammar and written expression? liebe
^Is it because I do not live in a country in which the first language is necessarily English, and that I am from a country in which the first language is not English either, that I can not 'critique' your 'grammar and written expression'??
lol. You are an idiot.
(I am not saying that I am amazingly skilled with English in any way, as there is always a lot to learn, but) :
It is as if you believe that in order to have an adept knowledge of the English language, one has to be a 'native'. Considering your parochial attitude, I would love to see how you write an essay on diversity. It should be quite a joke.
English is my first language, and judging from your essay, it should be fair to say that my command with the English language is better than yours.
It must really suck to be you, to think that a 'non-native' who is immediately unqualified to offer suggestions just because of his background, is in reality, probably better at speaking the language than you are. Shame.
ROFL.
Just FYI many articles have been written on the fact that non native English speakers often write and teach better English than native English teachers.
Is it because I do not live in a country in which the first language is necessarily English, and that I am from a country in which the first language is not English either, that I can not 'critique' your 'grammar and written expression'??
lol. You are an idiot.
^Truth.
and how can a non-native critique my grammar and written expression? liebe
^Errr...Perhaps you should revise your argument to target Liebe's suggestions rather than Liebe himself.
More reviews appreciated!!!
^Quite the lie.
