Common App short answer; "the only girl in a soccer team"

I feel terribly confused right now since I don't know if my answer has already digressed. I did not elaborate a game or why do I love soccer. Is this allowed? Please, I need your help!! Any suggestion is welcomed.

"Let me join you." I still remember my steadfast and unwavering tone.

A year ago, our school offered students extra sports activities. I loved soccer but never received any formal training. Skillful coach, excellent facilities, such a perfect chance to learn! However, when I first attended the soccer class, I found I was in an awkward situation: I was the only girl in that class. Everybody was staring at me just like I was a strange monster. Boys soon became friends,calling each other buddy and inviting each other to play a game. In the subsequent classes, I practiced alone, watching the boys chasing a ball ebulliently on the playground. All the enthusiasm cooled down; wishes turned into chimerical foam. I thought about transferring to another class, like gym or aerobics class, what people think a girl should attend.

I did not know what made me insist-maybe my passion about soccer, or the obstinacy inside my body. I finally stood in front of the boys and said with my loudest voice, steadfastly and calmly, " let me join you." Surprise, scorn, contempt, encouragement-I saw varies things on the boys' faces, but I did not care about them any more. The only thing I cared about is that I made a step and got what I want. "The only girl in a soccer team", weird but unique, right?

revision
omission
my comments

About a year ago, my school offered students extra sports activities. I loved soccer but I had never received any formal training. Skillful coach, excellent facilities, such a perfect chance to learn!Rephrase this sentence. The school had... However, when I first attended the soccer class, I found myself in an awkward situation: I was the only girl in the class. Everyone was staring at me as if I were a strange monster. The boys soon became friends,calling each other buddy and inviting each other to play a game. In the subsequent classes,Omit. This doesn't make sense to me I practiced alone, watching the boys chase the ball ebulliently on the playground. All the enthusiasm cooled downand wishes turned into chimerical foamIn my opinion, you should rephrase this to a metaphor more universally understood . I thought about transferring to another class that was more standard for girls , like gym or aerobics class,

I did not know what made me continue/press on/stick with it -maybe my passion for soccer, or the obstinacy inside my body. I finally stood in front of the boys and said with my loudest voice, steadfastly and calmly, " let me join you." Surprise, scorn, contempt, encouragement-I saw varies things on the boys' faces, but I did not care about them any more. The only thing I cared about is that I made a step and got what I want. "The only girl in a soccer team", weird but unique, right?Do not end in a question.

Thank you so much! I really appreciate for your help! I have another question. Do you think I digressed? I did not elaborate how I engaged in a soccer team, but focused on how I challenged a "convention". Is it OK?

I think that the emphasis should be on the fact that you stepped outside of a cultural norm, so there should be more ephasis on this than on the small details of being on a soccer team.