Briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences...150 words or fewer:
i don't know if its too cliche...with the whole sports teamwork thing...
I joined soccer my junior year. It was the opposite of track. Both involved hard work but it was through soccer that I learned the essence of the word 'team'. "We win as a team and fall as a team," the coach told us. If one of us failed to get 'first-touch' on a ball we all did sprints. Teamwork was everything. We were losing by one. "Watch them," our coach told us, "did you see when we got that last goal? Each of the players blamed another. If we get another goal; their team will fall apart". She was right. Unlike track, it was easy to point fingers. In track, losing a race was your fault. Losing a game in soccer was everybody's. When we came to practice, a game, sectionals win or lose we were a team.
You use only short sentences. This is disturbing. It makes you sound unintelligent. That is bad. Try revising.
I joined soccer my junior year, it was the opposite of track. Both involved hard work but it was through soccer that I learned the essence of the word 'team'. "We win as a team and fall as a team," the coach told us; if one of us failed to get 'first-touch' on a ball we all did sprints. Teamwork was everything. It was halftime, we were losing by one. "Watch them," our coach told us, "did you see when we got that last goal? Each of the players blamed another. If we get another,their team will fall apart". She was right---unlike track, it was easy to point fingers. In track, losing a race was your fault entirely, while losing a game in soccer was everybody's. When we came to practice, a game, sectionals win or lose we were a team.
Don't want to bash you Megan, but a comma can only connect two incomplete ideas. "I joined soccer my junior year" and "It was the opposite of track" are both complete ideas.
Bleh I know. Sorry I'm tired. Should I just leave them as two sentences or use a semicolon or reword them altogether?
You kind of need to start over...
Rewrite and try to really phrase your sentences.
Choose better diction. The idea is really good. Just start over and think the essay through.
I think maybe you can put a more original spin of the whole soccer theme. "We are a team" is overplayed. Although this is the short answer, it does not mean it should be less exciting or intriguing than the longer essays. Keep them apart you can have some short sentences, just not the whole entire paragraph. I would recommend to rewrite it completely.
yeah i really like your idea...it's not cheesy...it's a good topic. however, your sentences are a little too short. even though is a short essay, you still need to explain your reasoning behind everything. go in depth a little more
