I wrote it fairly quickly seeing I forgot about it until a few days ago, but here's what i got so far:
While most teenagers spend their Friday nights at the mall, I am confined to a sweaty, bare room lined with mirrors. I am not disheartened, though, for I am working to achieve my dream- to be a world champion in Irish dance. Since my first class at the age of six, Irish dance has been my obsession. I developed a thirst to win after my first competition when I was nine. In time, to accomplish my ultimate goal, meant transferring to a dance school in New York, a two-hour drive from my Connecticut home. Since changing schools in 2005, I have gone from a struggling competitor, to partaking in both regional and national competitions, and nearing a qualification for the World championships. However, most importantly, this experience has taught me the values of hard work and practice with an inspirational teacher who intensifies my love for dance each day.
I developed a thirst to win after my first competition when I was nine. In time, accomplishing my ultimate goal, meant transferring to a dance school in New York, which was a two-hour drive from my Connecticut home. Since changing schools in 2005, I have gone from a struggling competitor, to partaking in both regional and national competitions, and nearing a qualification for the world championships.
How long is this essay supposed to be? It was pretty good. I would add in these if you have the space:
Why you love Irish dance
The feeling you get while dancing
It's impact on your life
How dancing made your life better
Good luck
Well because it's the short answer on the common app about an extracurricular activity, so it's limited to only 150 words. Thank you though!
Well, since it is so short, I wouldn't change anything. I think that this gets the point across well in 150 +/- words.
GOOD LUCK!
Alright that's what I was hoping for and thank you again :)
yup apart from the grammatical errors, you packed everything neatly into the 150 words. so it's good to go. :)
I think its perfect and ready for submission. Good luck
Yes, this is great and unique. I wonder if you could add a sentence that conveys the style or spirit of that kind of dancing. Also, I think you should use a colon:
working to achieve my dream : to be a world champion in Irish dance.
i love the vivid descriptions
It's a pity you are limited to 150 words. I'm sure you could easily expand this to four or five times that length.
maybe you should expand this and use it as a personal essay?
Okay, noting that everyone seemed disappointed that I couldn't expand it, I made a draft of a personal essay, using that earlier entry as a foundation. I think i should elaborate more on when i actually change schools, but how's this for a start?
While most teenagers spend their Friday nights at the mall, I am confined to a sweaty, bare room lined with mirrors. I am not disheartened, though, for I am working to achieve my dream: to be a world champion in Irish dance.
Since my first class at the age of six, Irish dance has been my obsession. The spinning, kicks, leaps and trebles grasped my soul with an everlasting clench. After my first competition when I was nine years old, however, my infatuation with Irish dance was fully revealed. Lured in by the intricate movements and lavish costumes donned by the elite in this métier, I developed an insatiable thirst to win that would drive me through my adolescence.
Seeing as so many people commented on how they thought that my short answer should be made into my personal essay, I made a draft based on the paragraph. I think I need to elaborate more on how my new school acutally is, but other than that how do you think it is so far?
While most teenagers spend their Friday nights at the mall, I am confined to a sweaty, bare room lined with mirrors. I am not disheartened, though, for I am working to achieve my dream: to be a world champion in Irish dance.
Since my first class at the age of six, Irish dance has been my obsession. The spinning, kicks, leaps and trebles grasped my soul with an everlasting clench. After my first competition when I was nine years old, however, my infatuation with Irish dance was fully revealed. Lured in by the intricate movements and lavish costumes donned by the elite in this métier, I developed an insatiable thirst to win that would drive me through my adolescence.
My solution to win initially translated into having the perfect dress hair and shoes more than perfecting the actual dance itself. I lazily assumed that attending dance class several times a week was a sufficient amount of practice. Furthermore, selecting silks and tiaras was much more appealing than sore muscles. However, soon my slacking caught up with me and my scores showed a steady decline with each competition. Eventually, I learned that a judge would rather an excellent dancer in a potato sack, than a mediocre dancer in a glamorous dress.
Upon admitting that practice was the key component in accomplishing my goal, I began to face what I had been indolently putting off and laced up my shoes. Discovering a hidden discipline within myself, I began to practice incessantly for the first time. That summer to follow, I recall practicing a jump or rhythm in my basement for hours until it was flawless. Come September, my hard work had paid off with the judges' marks as proof.
Continuing this intense practice regimen throughout the competition season, I moved up the ranks fairly smoothly. However, in eighth grade I reached a stalemate, incapable of winning the two remaining first places needed to proceed to championship level. Although I originally blamed myself, I came to understand that this rut was not due to my lack of practice, but because my school simply wasn't a proper fit. I realized that to accomplish my ultimate goal, meant transferring from my beloved dance school to a significantly larger, more competitively driven school. While searching for a new school, I found an article ranking the top Irish dance schools in the country. Subsequent to extensive research on those schools within a plausible distance, I decided upon the school that was ranked first on the chart that was located in New York, two hours from my Connecticut home.
When I changed dance schools in the fall of 2005, I became a small fish in a very big pool that was saturated with world champions. Naturally intimidated at first, I came to embrace and appreciate the presence of these spectacular dancers for they were a constant reminder of my goal and the effort needed to achieve it. My greatest influence, however, came from my new teacher; with his persistent, tough-love attitude, he possessed the dedication to ensure that every minuscule glitch was perfected, even if it took all night. Though often toilsome, this atmosphere that promoted champions who never forgot why they started Irish dance, rejuvenated my passion.
In three years, I have gone from a struggling competitor, to partaking in both regional and national competitions, and nearing a qualification for the world championships. Most importantly, however, I have no regrets for I have learned many life lessons. With and inspirational teacher, I have learned the values of hard work and practice and intensifies my love for dance is each day.
Here's the original that I used as a foundation also:
While most teenagers spend their Friday nights at the mall, I am confined to a sweaty, bare room lined with mirrors. Although I am not disheartened as I am working to achieve my dream: to be a world champion in Irish dance. Since my first class at the age of six, Irish dance has been my obsession. I developed a thirst to win after my first competition when I was nine. In time, accomplishing my ultimate goal meant transferring to a dance school in New York, which was a two-hour drive from my Connecticut home. Since changing schools in 2005, I have gone from a struggling competitor, to partaking in both regional and national competitions, and nearing a qualification for the world championships. However, most importantly, this experience has taught me the values of hard work and practice with an inspirational teacher who intensifies my love for dance each day.
Short answer? I think it's a little bit too long for a short answer. :p
If you're writing for the activity section, I can assure you that only a response with fewer than or equal to 150 words can be submitted. The essay at the end of your post can work.
Good luck! ^___^
First sentence: consider changing "bare" to "empty," because it will flow better. "Bare room" almost sounds like "bar room."
Hey, this is very good! Can you connect it all to the school to which you are applying in the final paragraph?
Not really as Ithaca is the only school I'm applying to in New York, and even that's about three hours away from my dance school. I plan to continue it during college though and the location of my college doesn't matter for I can just practice with a local school. Should I bring in my college by mentioning that?
Oh, I meant to connect it conceptually. For example, the passion you have for dance might also be related to the passion you have for your intended major.
Make a connection in any way that seems right to you.
:)
Excellent essay. Great job. Here are a bunch of very minor grammatical fixes:
"Eventually, I learned that a judge would rather see an excellent dancer in a potato sack than a mediocre dancer in a glamorous dress."
"That summer, I would practice various jumps and rhythms in my basement for hours until they were flawless."
"I realized that accomplishing my ultimate goal meant transferring from my beloved dance school to a significantly larger, more competitively driven school."
"this atmosphere that promoted champions who never forgot why they started Irish dance, rejuvenated my passion." Lose the comma.
"In three years, I have gone from a struggling competitor, to partaking in both regional and national competitions, to nearing a qualification for the world championships."
"I have learned the values of hard work and practice and intensified my love for dance."
For example, the passion you have for dance might also be related to the passion you have for your intended major.
Well, I'm hoping to go into something such as journalism or English, so I guess in regards to my college career, I just hope they consider me a good writer lol
And thank you Sean for the corrections!