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Common App short answer "Heroes and Cool Kids"


Anguyen12t 3 / 5  
Dec 3, 2009   #1
Please critique my essay.

Heroes and Cool Kids is a program to help sixth graders make better decisions in their lives. Before actually visiting them, the high school students have to get trained. My trainer was NBA player and I was excited because I have never met a professional athlete before. He said "You have the ability to change these kids." After the training, I visited the sixth graders once a month and talked about bullying, sportsmanship, drug, alcohol, and tobacco. Some of these topics are hard to talk with an adult but they were always excited to see me. I knew that they felt the same way when I met that NBA player. The kids are not the only ones that are taught something. They have taught me how important my actions are. I would never want to disappoint any of them so I try to be the best role model possible.
christiek 6 / 65  
Dec 3, 2009   #2
What's the prompt?

My trainer was NBA player

--> My trainer was an NBA player...

He said "You have the ability to change these kids."

--> Indent this. And it should be He said, "You...."

sportsmanship, drug, alcohol, and tobacco.

--> drugs

talk with an adult but they

--> talk with adults but they...

Okay, I think you have a good topic (but i dont know what the prompt is... I am assuming it is the short answer for the common app??)
OP Anguyen12t 3 / 5  
Dec 4, 2009   #3
yea its the common app short answer.

elaborate on an activity
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 5, 2009   #4
about bullying, sportsmanship, drugs , alcohol, and tobacco. Some of these topics are hard to talk about with an adult, but they were always excited to see me. I knew that they felt the same way I felt when I met that NBA player.

Nice job!!

I would never want to disappoint any of them so I try to be the best role model I can possibly be.
Luvdance16 5 / 12  
Dec 5, 2009   #5
I like the way you tried to tie in what You learned at the end "kids are not the only ones that are taught something. They have taught me how important my actions are. I would never want to disappoint any of them so I try to be the best role model possible"

Try to discuss the kids before and after you helped them
MGZolyn 2 / 5  
Dec 5, 2009   #6
the high school students are trained.

After the training, I visited the sixth graders once a month...
-you don't need a comma if the opening phrase is fewer than four words
jbrown09 3 / 18  
Dec 5, 2009   #7
I like the idea you have. I would try and make it a little more personal. Who was the NBA player you met? Why'd they choose him? How were you trained?
ivyeyesediting - / 85  
Dec 5, 2009   #8
Hi there!

I agree with JBrown09 and think that you can stand to incorporate a little more personal detail and color into this answer. Ultimately, you want it to be more than your resume in narrative form--you want this answer to convey something more. Your personality, your perspective, your insight, etc. These answers have to be 250 words (minimum), so you have some room to play with and expand! I really like this content:

"Some of these topics are hard to talk with an adult but they were always excited to see me. I knew that they felt the same way when I met that NBA player."

This is an interesting thought, and I'd like to hear more from you on it. How did it feel mentoring 'kids,' most of whom were not significantly younger than you? How did you know they felt the same way--did you see sense it in their energy? It is funny, but the sense of distance between a 6th grader and a high school student is akin to the distance between a high school student and an NBA player. I think you have something here, but, I'd like to see you dig a little bit deeper and talk about how this experience made you think.

Solid work so far!

Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing


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