I have seen a lot of different formats for this section and I'm a bit confused so I'd like - no, I'd LOVE some feedback on if I'm doing this right.
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).
Heaps of brass and rows of flags - these items dominated my past four years. When I started marching band, I first experienced the pain of doing three hundred crunches or marching a show four times in a row. But I also experienced the joy of hearing that final note reverberating under the football stadium lights. Naturally, I was eager to start the next year as a band "veteran." However, our band director was unexpectedly arrested and fired, causing our band to collapse. Seniors acted out, making yelling and walking out a common part of practice, but I was determined to lead, not discourage. I dedicated hours to leading individuals as well as the group in playing music, marching technique, even personal obstacles. Marching band pushed me physically and musically, but mostly, it pushed me to step out of my long-held role as "follower" and to be a true leader.
When I said "marching a show four times in a row," for you non-marching band people, does that come across clear enough? And these are some details I really wanted to add because I could not fit them in the ACtivities section but they constitute a HUGE part of my extracurriculars as far as volunteer work:
I set up movie nights, created and maintained the band's websites, made newsletters, compiled photos- everything I could to maintain optimism and enthusiasm. As a Band Council Member and fundraiser liaison, I organized fundraisers and rides and volunteered at pancake breakfasts, car washes, concession stands, and performed for community events like parades, baseball games, and in the pep band for school football and basketball games.
But I guess it isn't good to treat this as a laundry list type thing. However, I really need to include that because other wise, it seems like I have no volunteer work. Suggestions? Thank you!!
When I started marching bandyou already mention when you "first experienced" which says the same thing :) , I first experienced the pain of doing three hundred crunches or marching a show four times in a row. But I also experienced the joy of hearing that final note reverberating under the football stadium lights.
if you condense these two, you will have more room!
"I first experienced the grueling pains of 300 crunches and consecutive performances. Yet, I also had the joy of hearing that final note reverberating under the football stadium lights."
...but I was determined to lead,
not discourage .
overall I like it. it's direct and quite informative! so I tried to shorten it a little because I think the extraneous information not included is ambitious to try and fit in, but definitely worth it. I wish you had maybe even 50 more words to work with:) Good luck.
Ideally I would like you to read my shorter MIT world I come from (the second one I posted @ 3:00AM today), it's 250 words, but I understand if you're short on time.
Thank you, your suggestions did save me lots of room! I'm still struggling trying to get it in though. Even cutting out a lot, I'm 7 words over! Do you think that's okay or will they not let me submit it?
And though I am short on time, I would gladly help! You're so lovely, thank you for your help! ^_^