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|Common App| Caltech Essay - Scientific exploration clearly excites you

PROFsabi 2 / 1  
Jun 28, 2018   #1
Hello my friends and seniors,
This is my first post in EssayForum so if by chance there is any mistake please edit that.

I was just writing my Caltech Personal essay for Why I should choose Caltech. I am posting my essay for knowing my essay skills, and would it be a good fit for the prompt. Feel free to point out mistakes.

Application to Caltech essay

Scientific exploration clearly excites you. Beyond our 3:1 student-to-faculty ratio and our intense focus on research opportunities, how do you believe Caltech will best fuel your intellectual curiosity and help you meet your goals? (500 word max):::

For me, Scientific exploration is something that I want to dedicate my life, so that my contributions can make the Earth a better place to live, and even beyond Earth say one day when SpaceX or NASA's SLS will take us to far beyond Earth. What I think is, Caltech has one of the brightest minds in field of Astrophysics and Aerospace engineering and these two subjects are my true love.

But I'm bit confused about how to choose within the two because probably I won't be allowed to pursue both. I wished to be an Astronaut since a long time, I still wish today to be so. My family probably won't like the idea of seeing me sitting in a Soyuz capsule as the only reason they say, I am skinny and thin and I would die on a spacecraft. Chances are that I would not be accepted as an Astronaut but still I will apply once I complete my Postgraduate Studies.

Caltech has the legendary Jet Propulsion Laboratory, a lot of videos by NASA in Youtube shows the JPL logo at the end, especially the Cassini Mission, one of my favorite missions. When I was young I used to see those videos and always dreamt of working with NASA. And studying there would be more fun. I am just astonished to see how there is no student-professor barrier that is prevalent in a lot of places. Professors are cool at Caltech, you know, I saw the "Discovery of Planet IX" video in which Mike Brown and his student just explained the stuff so beautifully. I think, all the edX and MOOCs I have taken will help me a lot in coping up with the difference in American Education system and the Indian Education system. And Caltech can help me extract my inner space scientist in the best possible way. I feel that Caltech is the place that can feed my thirst and curiosity for the Cosmos and "The theory of Everything", Caltech's motivating culture and people suits me the best.

vannguyetthanh - / 3  
Jun 28, 2018   #2
- I'm really not sure " for me" is formal or not
- Secondly, "exploration is something that I want to dedicate my life", should add "to" ?
- Thirdly, before " so that" you shouldn't you comma,
- "even beyond Earth say one day when SpaceX or NASA's SLS will take us to far beyond Earth", this sentence is repetitive and ambiguous.
Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Jun 29, 2018   #3
Sayan, your essay doesn't really respond to the prompt properly. The best part of this essay that addresses the prompt requirement is located in the 3rd paragraph. The mention of the Caltech Jet Propulsion Lab ties in directly with the required response. All you have to do, is indicate your academic and professional goals in relation to it. So, focus your discussion on the JPL and your dream of becoming an astronaut one day. Talk about what breakthroughs you hope to make as a scientist in the field of jet propulsion that you hope will one day qualify you for a NASA program. Think of what your future dreams and aspirations are, then look at the classes, programs, and training that Caltech offers. Tie everything together in your presentation and you should have a more adequate response to the prompt created at the end of it.

You should have at least 4 paragraphs in this essay covering the following:
1. An introduction of your professional goals and ambitions
2. A clear idea of how a Caltech education can make it a reality
3. A reference to how you will spend your time achieving these academic and professional goals as a student
4. A final statement reiterating that you hope to achieve more than that as a Caltech student in the long run
OP PROFsabi 2 / 1  
Jul 1, 2018   #4
Thanks a lot Mr. Holt, you seemed to be very kind and helpful, hehe no one appreciated my essay like you did. I would improve my essay and post a new one soon.

Take Care :)

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