Common App Short Essay: A counselor's experience

Hey, this is my short essay for the common app. Any constructive criticism would be appreciated!

For the past two summers, I've worked as a counselor at Penn-York Camp. PYC is unique because it's a summer camp that integrates a few special needs campers with the general population. I worked with Joey, a 24 year-old camper with Down syndrome, Cerebral palsy, and other challenges.

Taking care of Joey required a lot of patience; he relied on me for many of his personal needs. Often, he would wake me up in the middle of the night to take him to the bathroom, or make a mess during lunch that I had to clean up. His smile when I helped him, made it all worthwhile.

I'm glad I had the opportunity to work with Joey. He taught me taught me what it means to serve others and how to enjoy doing it.

For the past two summers, I've worked as a camp counselor at Penn-York Camp, a summer camp in northern Pennsylvania .

The job is at times stressful, and the pay is almost nonexistent.
The job is at times streesful and little-paid.

and the other staff members are some of my closest friends.
and the other staff members became some of my closest friends (guess you mean through working with these people, you made good friends)

In addition, I've learned a lot. Being a counselor has taught me a great deal about communicating with others, being a leader, and responsibility.

In addition, I've learned a great deal about how to communicate, be a leader, and take responsibility.

I think you might want to write something in details that you did in this camp. Just one or two sentence will do good.

Good luck.

, but I wouldn't


the admin knows that already

your essay answers the prompt, but it doesn't really link to your numerous emphasis of how little the thing pays. if money is so important to you, then tell an instance where you realized that this experience is EVEN MORE! talk about how this experience CHANGED YOUR PSYCHOLOGY. or else, the money observations just make you sound like a greedy person.

thanks for the imput guys. i'll try to make it a little more personal.

I've revised it a bit, tell me if you like it.

"almost nonexistent" these two don't gel well. try "scant", "meager"...

"However I wouldn't trade my camp experiences for anything else." this type of statement always struck me as lazy and unfair; it's a glib enough claim, but I question if there's truth in it.

still is awkward


sounds magnanimous: Oh, even though I'm not paid, the experience was SOOOOOOOO great that I wouldn't do ANYTHING else for money.

still not personal enough. It's not about what happened to you, but how you THINK. everything you talked about are FACTS. the admin can care less about facts, unless they determine how you think.


so, HOW DO YOU VIEW WORK?


great, you understand work. so why should the admin accept you? i mean, work comes later and you never tied it to college or your personality.

I don't really understand what you mean about how I think? Like what exactly would you add to the essay to get this aspect in it. They tell you to briefly elaborate on a work experience...so that's what I decided to do.


I answer that in the following sentences


Again, not really sure what you expect me to talk about. Not a whole lot I can do in 150 words.

I agree the wouldn't trade for anything else statement is a little cliche. I decided to change that.

yes, but they don't want to know what you did, unless that changes something in your mind.

for example: i go to the library. do they care about how i arrange the books? no, what they care about is how the experience made me more patient, or careful, or helpful or a bookworm, or SOMETHING internal.


as i prob mentioned, this is...trivial. making this your main theme seems like you're trying to show the admin how you've finally caught up with the idea of working for what you like, and not money.

what i'm trying to say that it's not personal enough. you've got a great job, but that's all you learned? I can work at a lemonade stand and come to the exact same conclusion as this. therefore, it's really not unique enough



i guess i had a prob here. It's great that you see work as something you can enjoy, but that's IT? that's all you've got? your focus for this essay shouldn't be that job is fun, cuz this conclusion tells nothing about you, except that you enjoy work? instead of focusing on how fun you thought the experience is, it might be worthwhile to talk about it's impact on you, except the monetary side


i understand your plight, and I'm not trying to discourage you or something, so no need to get defensive.

However, I've had to do an essay on "something you do for pleasure" in 100 words...so i know how you feel. You really don't need 150 words to talk about how you've been changed by a job, if you do it the right way. Don't waste sentences on talking generically about how fun it is, but tell the admin things they might not know. You've got an unique experience here, so tell it in an unique fashion and about the unique stuff you've done.

thanks for your advice. i'll restructure the essay and put a revised version up soon

I kind of brought the essay in a bit of a different direction, focusing on one experience and elaborating on what I learned. Here it is.

For two weeks, I took care of Joey, a camper (or worked one on one with Joey, but a bit awkward), who has been going to PYC for 10 years, and is now 24 years old. He has been diagnosed with...

I wouldn't call it a "disadvantage" simply because it doesn't convey enough the harshness of his life. I understand that you don't wanna call it a handicap, difficulties perhaps?

and what if you talked in your intro about what kind of camp it is. the fact that he's handicapped shocks the reader since you never prepared the audience for such a turn out. I thought that you were talking about a kid summer camp


you sound sarcastic here. Obviously, no one is perfect, so the fact that you call his diseases imperfections pretty much put him on the same background and hardships as everybody else, which is demeaning to Joey's plight

you're going from a different perspective, which btw great. However, I do like to point out that you're still not personal enough. You spend too much time discussing Joey and not you.

I'd suggest you taking out the "The job was at times stressful and the pay minimal, but at the same time very rewarding. Being a counselor was enjoyable and I made a lot of great friends on staff." because it's not really your goal here in the story

instead, explain a bit what the camp does, and what you do: so combine your Joey sentence with the intro

then second paragraph, explain some of the activities you did with him, or how exactly did he impact you.

If you really wanna focus on what you learned, then end the paragraph with what exactly you learned or how you are changed.

try to avoid sentences like


and instead actually say WHAT lessons.

hope that helps, i definitely like where you're going with this, but making it more personal will empower your short answer

Yeah. It is primarily a kids summer camp but they also have a few special needs campers that require 1 on 1 attention. I took care of one of those kids for 2 weeks.

I wasn't sure how exactly to put "Despite all of Joey's "imperfections"...because I didn't really consider them imperfections, more something that made him unique.

I think your right i'll make it more personal and edit much of the first paragraph