As I correct work and file papers, I am approached by children whose eyes are either filled with curiosity or doubt. Their motive is simple: They seek to understand the material they are struggling with. Each week I tutor children in Math and Reading at my town's Kumon Learning Center for 3-6 hours. I do my best to make their experience as entertaining and beneficial as possible. If a child continues to struggle in the subject matter, I will always do my best to work with him or her until they are confident with their skills. The most rewarding part of my job is being able to see the overjoyed look on children's' faces when they finally grasp the concept. I really enjoy my job not only because I get to use my skills to help others, but also because I have the opportunity to strengthen my own understanding of the subject matter by explaining it to others. My passion has always lied in helping others. This may be a small step towards my dream to contribute to society, but I believe it is a good start.
I just wrote this in about half an hour so it might contain some errors lol. Did I elaborate my job enough or do you think I should elaborate it a bit more? Any comments or criticisms are welcomed. Thanks :)
Their motive is simple: they seek to understand the material they are struggling with.
Each week I tutor children in Math and Reading at the local Kumon Learning Center for 3-6 hours.
I will always do my best to work with him or her until they are confident with their skills.
- maybe use a different phrase other than "do my best" since you've already used it earlier.
This may only be a small step towards my dream of contributing to society, but I believe it is a good start.
I think you have just the right amount of elaboration 'cause the reader will have found out what you do and what you get out of it which I think are the key points. Good job.
"The most rewarding part of my job is being able to see the overjoyed look on children's faces when they finally grasp the concept." -->This is a too cliche comment. When students volunteer to tutor, I bet you 99% of them will write some form of this. Try to think of something more original.
i think everything sounds good and is grammatically correct the only thing i might change is if you know what you plan to do in the future i would reccommend adding that in at your last sentence
You wrote "I do my best to make their experience as entertaining and beneficial as possible" and "I will always do my best to work with him or her until they are confident with their skills". Perhaps you might want to add some specific examples of what you did instead of just generalizing it.
Thanks for all the comments guys! I appreciate it. I'll look over it again and see if I can add more examples and make it not so general. Thanks! :)
All I would change is this:
My passion has always involved helping others.
Well done! This is concise and clear.
OMG kumon!! are you from Christchurch by any chance??
Kikozang, I'm not sure what you mean. Can you elaborate? Perhaps what you are trying to say is that it sounds corny to talk about having a passion for helping others. This is an admissions essay, though, so that sort of content is appropriate. It is good for scholars to set about their educations with the intention to help others...
When you give feedback, please try to be clear!
:)
Kevin
What? I didn't mean anything. I was just excited to see Kumon here because there's kumon in my city too( christchurch, New Zealand). That's all, I'm not trying to say there's anything wrong about the essay
Thanks for the correction Kevin! And Kikozang I'm not from christchurch haha and don't worry I didn't take any offense to your comment. I just had to read it over to see what you actually meant lol.
kikozang, I get it!!! Thanks for the clarification! I guess I thought you were making fun of her for being interested in helping people!! I'm sorry,
:)
Kevin