Common App - elaborate on one activity. Color Guard

Is this ok ?

Color Guard is the sport that combines dance with the utilization of three different equipments - flags, rifles, and sabres. Don't think of a wimpy flag on a stick or a plastic sword - think six-foot metal pole attached to a large rectangle of silk. Imagine a dense piece of wood painted white that bruises and cuts more often that it is caught, think of a heavy, metal sword spinning six times above a dancer's head.

But guard is just as much about the performers and competitions as it is about the equipment. To understand Guard, you have to see it with your own eyes, see that rifle rising and falling with a dancer's breath and energy, see the group of flags whipping and carving through the air with such masked effort, see that sabre cut through the air as the audience holds their breaths. Beautiful.

In the extracirricular portion of commonapp, I already talked about things such as how many hours I spend on Guard and how long I've been a part of the team

Really nice response! It really shows your passion for the sport. I would just mention maybe any leadership role you have taken or initiated in Color Guard, or at least how long you have been doing it.

Thanks mle2010 :) In the other parts of common app, I already mentioned how long I've been on Guard. Hehe I tried out for captain this year but didn't get it :( poo

Wow, I don't think I would let my kids do it!

:-)

But Guard is more just as much about the performers and competitions than it is about the equipment.

ur second sentence is more attention grabbing. while the first one's informative and straightforward, it lacks the zest of the second one. maybe it could be a bit more imaginative AND informative?