This is a first draft of the short extracurricular essay for the Common App. It's a little weak so I would like to know how I can make it better. I would also like to find a better word for "unwilling". Thanks!
When I went to Korea and volunteered for the Seoul YMCA, I had no idea what it would be like. I expected a group of haphazardly gathered students, unwilling to work over summer break. However, what I discovered was a motivated pack of students eager to improve their community. I had been to Korea many times before, but these students revealed a new Korea to me. We visited a home for mentally ill patients where we washed blankets the old-fashioned way - stepping on them in large buckets. Making soap bubbles with our feet, the physical labor did not falter us, as we were empowered by a common goal. This unexpected fervor continued into other activities. We chanted endlessly outside the YMCA to raise money for disabled patients and despite our failure to raise significant money, we still held our heads high at the end of the day. As I progress into higher learning, I hope to encounter students who share a common goal, to learn, to thrive. (951)
When I went to Korea and volunteered for the Seoul YMCA, I had no idea what it would be like. I expected a group of haphazardly gathered students, unwilling to work over summer break. However, what I discovered was a motivated pack of students eager to improve their community. I had been to Korea many times before, but these students revealed a new Korea to me. We visited a home for mentally ill patients where we washed blankets the old-fashioned way - stepping on them in large buckets. Making soap bubbles with our feet, the physical labor did not falter us, as we were empowered by a common goal. This unexpected fervor continued into other activities. We chanted endlessly outside the YMCA to raise money for disabled patients and despite our failure to raise significant money, we still held our heads high at the end of the day. As I progress into higher learning, I hope to encounter students who share a common goal, to learn, to thrive. (951)