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Common App Extracurricular Essay - Pit Orchestra



kimisizer 6 / 16  
Dec 28, 2011   #1
This is for the "Describe an extracurricular activity" prompt for the Common App. This is a first draft so please be harsh :D

Surrounded by a sea of honks and blares, I try to overcome them with my unassuming violin. Though barely audible, I play my best, fueled by the passion of my peers.

I joined pit orchestra not to flaunt my musical abilities, but to perform with a dedicated group of students. The students had a genuine love of music unlike the majority of the school band. Immediately, their musical zeal rubbed off on me and became energized me to become a better musician. When I realized that I was the only student violinist pitted against five brass players, I knew I had to work hard. Within weeks, I transformed from a diffident musician shaking in his chair to a confident violinist swaying with passion. Thirty decibels louder, I asserted myself as an integral member of the group. Year after year, I returned less timid and more audible than the last. Pit orchestra was no longer a place of fear; it became a haven for musicians like me who sought challenge and passion, a place where I could be heard. (998 characters)

SuppiSteph 4 / 13  
Dec 28, 2011   #2
"Surrounded by a sea of honks and blares, I try to overcome them with my unassuming violin."
Maybe try to restructure this sentence. It seems a little awkward. Maybe it'd be better if it were split into two sentences?
"and became energized me to become a better musician."

This is very nice! I love the transition between being unsure to being more and more confident. It even shows in the way you wrote. This is a great first draft.

Good luck! =)
OP kimisizer 6 / 16  
Dec 28, 2011   #3
Thanks for your input, I will try to make sentences flow better
sagerfrog 3 / 7  
Dec 28, 2011   #4
"the majority of school bands" instead
OP kimisizer 6 / 16  
Dec 28, 2011   #5
Well, I was particularly talking about my school's band not school bands in general


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