Common App extracurricular: Volunteering at a Hospice

Hi
The following is my <1000 character response for the common app. I think it needs a lot of work, so I would love to get some edits/feedback!

For the past three three years I have volunteered at a hospice. My friends poke fun at the somber nature of my work, but I am grateful to have met people who view every new day as a gift. Filing paperwork and checking up with patients has benefited me beyond the satisfaction of doing something meaningful-when my mood is colored gray by a setback, their optimism reminds me to avoid dwelling on the past. And in a way, exposure to death has made me value my friends even more. Before volunteering I prioritized academic success, but for most patients nearing the end, nothing is more important than having people who will miss them. This simple truth has made me realize that it's fine to go out and enjoy a movie with friends, because while grades are important, they won't last a lifetime. The brave individuals I encountered at hospice, despite being on opposite ends of life from myself, have taught me how to live.

Hello,

Your essay is ok. But once again, I can assure you, admissions officers will read this exact same essay at least 50,000 times this admissions cycle. Please think outside of the box. Admissions Officers at top programs want excitement, and uniqueness. This story has been told over and over and over again. I personally have read it at least 500 times. To breathe life into this story, think about a specific event that occurred at the hospice. Build your story around that specific event. Make the story unique to you and how that helped build character in you. As your story stands now, it is the same story of the overachiever with no life who discovers a world beyond studying....it's been told before.

For the past three three years I have volunteered at a hospice. Some of my friends may poke funMy friends poke fun at the somber nature of my work, but I am grateful to have met people who view every new day as a gift. Filing paperwork and checking up with patients has benefitedhave given me benefits beyond the satisfaction of doing something meaningful-when my mood is colored gray by a setback, their optimism reminds me to avoid dwelling on the past. And in a way, exposure to death has made me value my friends even more. Before volunteering I had prioritized academic success, but for most patients nearing the end, nothing is more important than having people who will miss them. This simple truth has made me realize that it's fine to go out and enjoy a movie with friends, because while grades are important, they won't last a lifetime. The brave individuals I encountered at hospice, despite being on opposite ends of life from myself, have taught me how to live.

Thanks for the edits! I completely agree with Kevin and I tried to revamp my essay. Here is a new draft:

For the past three years I have been a hospice volunteer. When patients are admitted I help them fill out forms, and after they are settled, I check in every week and ask them how they're doing. But sooner or later the inevitable happens-they die. Despite all my work, only thing left I can do is close their case files. This took me some time to accept, and for a while I felt jealous of friends who volunteered at the local hospital, receiving emotional satisfaction for helping someone get better. When I confided my feelings to the volunteer coordinator, she reminded me that this was the nature of hospice, and death being the end goal shouldn't change the importance of my work. And you know what? She was right. There are so many necessary jobs in the world that don't fill people with self-gratification, sewage cleaners and TSA agents being two that come to mind. Doing something that really matters isn't always a masurbatory exercise and I've never regretted my decision to stay.