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Common App: "Indicate a person..." The Finest Legacy.



elton_lou44 2 / 2  
Sep 23, 2012   #1
Prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
The Finest Legacy

"Our beloved Japanese teacher, Sensei Takahashi, passed on two hours ago...R.I.P" the text message read. These words of misery darkened the car and blocked out the buoyant tunes from the stereo. Before I shed into tears, I made a closed fist, subtly placed it on my chest, and stuck my head out the window. Amid the swift wind, I whispered, "Sensei, you can rest in peace. I will keep your legacy safe and sound." Even in such a time of melancholy-a time of the death of an influential individual-I was able to spell out the words "Optimism", "Hope", "Courage", and "Resilience" and carve it in the core of me to help me overcome this emotional hurdle; all because of Sensei Takahashi.

Three years ago, I recall myself sitting in Japanese class flipping through the textbook reading aloud vocabulary as a class. "Kotoshi; this year", we chanted together. Such a relaxed atmosphere is engendered by one individual in the classroom: Sensei Takahashi. Sensei's genial smile when she reminds me to tuck my phone away, her melodic laughter when I tell her jokes, and her lighthearted voice when she greets her students with a "Konichiwa" are her features that consistently remind me that she is still intimately besides me, helping me back on my feet and pursue the fruitful potentials ahead of me. Nowhere in her classroom can you find spider-webs hiding in corners, musty clusters of dust piled on papers, or resentful students hoping for the bell to ring. One day after class, Sensei angelically appeared next to me and asked, "What's wrong?". Her instincts knew it, knew that I was distraught after being reprimanded by my English teacher, after a fight with my best friend. She invited me over to her bean bag and settled me in. I entrenched myself deep and basked myself in Sensei's thick curds of aromatic Sakura perfume. "Be positive, bounce back, look forward, and endeavor" she says encouragingly. And of course she offered me a handful of her fruity gummy bears to sweeten my bitter mood. From her words, I named the orange one "Optimism", the red one "Hope", the green one "Resilience", and the yellow one "Courage". I am no master at enduring my parents' divorce, a tough loss of a twelve-year friend moving to the other side of the country, or juggling school, sports, friends, and family along with expectations. But Sensei's spirit shines the light at the other end of the tunnel, wiping out the darkness around me. It is waiting for me to approach it, embrace it and start anew strongly. "Nothing in this world should cost you your tears or frustration", she says. What did a bicycle for my fifth birthday mean? What about the red envelopes filled with money from Chinese New Year? Nothing; compared to the priceless spirit lit by Sensei.

Today, school, sports, friends and family are all tugging on my arms, vying for my time, and reminding me that my daily to-do list is unfinished. Whenever I'm on the car-ride home from an arduous day at school, I feel the tug-of-war hosted on my arms, but not the strains nor resentment. Instead, I learned to be opportunistic and use hardships to my advantage to avoid stress and frustration. The doorway separating my weaknesses from my potentials has shut, and I stand robustly on the side with "Optimism", "Hope", "Resilience", and "Courage" guarding the threshold, barring any chances of me succumbing to thoughts of surrendering.

-Elton Lou

krys10x 1 / 5  
Sep 23, 2012   #2
"Shed" into tears is probably not the best verb to use here. You either shed tears or burst/crumble/etc into tears.
I would also highly recommend avoiding describing perfume in "thick curds". Perfume is sprayed and usually light, whereas a "curd" is a small, heavy chunk. I guess it just reminds me too much of cheese and makes for an uncomfortable comparison to a pleasant aroma of perfume.

Also, fix the "Nothing; compared to the priceless spirit lit by Sensei." The semicolor is out of place or a typo.

Youve done a very good job of addressing the prompt- something a lot of people struggle with. Perhaps you can elaborate on your parents divorce, this will allow admissions officers to see a bit more of your personal life.
blags66 1 / 1  
Sep 23, 2012   #3
I think it should be "beside me" instead of "besides me." But as krys10x said, you should say maybe a sentence or two more on the divorce. But I can clearly see how the teacher affected you, which is good. The wording and diction is also good, being both easy to read and professional. The opening is catchy though, something that can make admissions officers like it more. Overall, you did a very nice job at addressing the prompt. Nice Job!


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