common app short (keen on becoming a member of the student body)

hi! i don't quite understand what exactly is to be written in the short essay for the common app.. am i supposed to write about what exactly i did, or more about what i learnt? i have currently done two versions, with a slightly different focus though the language is mostly the same..

any comments on the essays would be much appreciated :) thank you!

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Version 1:
Ever since I joined high school, I was extremely keen on becoming a member of the student body. The dedication, the bond, the service - it all fascinated me. But I was afraid, afraid of failure, afraid of failing after shamelessly pasting my face on the walls of the college and blatantly canvassing myself. I tried and to my surprise I succeeded. Through the various events that I was involved in, I have developed my ability to communicate and manage people effectively. While I discovered my strengths in my optimism and enthusiasm, I also recognized my weakness - my inability to delegate work, which I hope to work on in college. My humbling experience in a logistical field has taught me to value personal satisfaction more than public recognition and has instilled in me traits of responsibility, determination and perseverance, defining traits of a good leader.

Version 2:
My much awaited enthusiasm about having successful become a member of the student body, after shamelessly pasting my face on the walls, faltered when I heard the news that I would become a blazer quartermaster, the most undesired job in council. I did not want to sit for hours in a musty room full of sweaty blazers, only to serve peers who left without even a hint of appreciation. But what could I do? I had committed myself to serve the school. I started out unhappy, but committed. Gradually, as the days went by, I experienced a moment of epiphany, a moment that would change my outlook on leadership forever. It then hit me than leadership was not positional, but personal. This humbling experience in a logistical field taught me to value personal satisfaction more than public recognition and instilled in me traits of responsibility, determination and perseverance, defining traits of a good leader.

I like the second one. It shows a lot about what you learned and how it will apply in your future. I felt that the the first one lacked support (examples) of what the experience taught you.

My much awaited enthusiasm about having successful(ly) become a member of the student body faltered when I heard the news that I would become a blazer quartermaster, the most undesired job in (the) council. I did not want to sit in a musty room full of sweaty blazers (for hours), only to serve peers who left without even a hint of appreciation. But what could I do? I had committed myself to serve the school. I started out unhappy, but committed. (After a period of time went by, [something along those lines]), I experienced a moment of epiphany that would change my outlook on leadership forever. It hit me tha(t) leadership was not positional, but personal [I'm not exactly sure of what you're trying to say about it being personal?]. This humbling experience in a logistical field taught me to value personal satisfaction more than public recognition(,) and instilled in me traits of (a good leader:) responsibility, determination and perseverance.

I'm not sure how to color code things, but the things in the brackets are the sentences/words that I added/moved around. The parts that I felt were redundant or unnecessarily, I just deleted. I'm not a great writer, but I hope this helps.

hello (:
thanks so much for your comments (: i have edited it with your feedback but it's slightly too long now.. its 165 words

My much awaited enthusiasm about having successfully become a member of the student body faltered when I heard that I would become a blazer quartermaster, the most undesired job in the council. I did not want to sit in a musty room full of sweaty blazers, only to serve peers who left without even a hint of appreciation. But what could I do? I had committed myself to serve the school. I started out unhappy, but dedicated. About halfway through my term, I experienced a moment of epiphany that would change my outlook on leadership forever. It hit me that leadership was not positional, but personal. It did not matter if I was in the most alluring of jobs or bestowed with the most honorable of titles - all that mattered was service and setting an example for others. This humbling experience in a logistical field taught me to value personal satisfaction more than public recognition and instilled in me traits of responsibility, determination and perseverance.

Overall, it's quite hard to write about a life-altering moment in 150 words. Usually people use this space to tell the university about the activity and what it means to you, not the transition you experienced in it. I'm not in a position to tell you what to do, but this is just what I think.

My much awaited enthusiasm about having successfully become a member of the student body faltered when I heard that I would become a blazer quartermaster, the most undesired job in the council. I did not want to sit in a musty room full of sweaty blazers, only to serve peers who left without even a hint of appreciation. [But what could I do? I had committed myself to serve the school.] I started out unhappy, but dedicated (to my commitment). About halfway through my term, I experienced a moment of epiphany that [would] change(d) my outlook on leadership forever. It hit me that leadership was not positional, but personal. [It did not matter if] (Whether) I was in the most alluring of jobs or bestowed with the most honorable of titles - all that mattered was service and setting an example for others. This humbling experience in a logistical field taught me to value personal satisfaction more than public recognition and instilled in me traits of responsibility, determination and perseverance.

[delete] ; (add)
That is exactly 150 words without changing too much, if thou shall agree-ith to accept me noble suggestions ;) - Shakespeare, what a character...


-I don't mean to be a know-it-all, and you may be absolutely right, I may be absolutely wrong yada yada; however, I believe that they want us to sum up a small yet effective occurrence that has changed us and how it has done so.

Isn't that for the essay?

thanks so much for your help(:

mm that's why i tried to do a bit of both.. and it's not exactly life changing - just something i learnt from what i did.. would that be okay?

Told you, you were right and my apologies for not elaborating. Imagine reading a summary of a club that a student has joined. What have you just learned about that person. (Lets use government club) (S)he likes to lead? Well, what if (S)he was forced by parents or teachers or even by the fact that (S)he thought it might help in admissions. The reader wants to hear about why. This question is implied. (S)he should, I believe, also include how it changed him or her to prove that a lesson was learned. What good is a leader that can't get anything out of an experience. Hope this helps


As far as I know, that is exactly what they are looking for: lessons gained.
Right now, because I helped revise it, it looks perfect; however, one last person that hasn't seen it should read it carefully and I'd say this one is good to go ;)

alright thanks (:

Great! You are a good writer. I only found one error right at the beginning: You can't have much awaited enthusiasm. Write this:

My enthusiasm about having successfully become a member of the student body faltered when I heard that I would become a blazer quartermaster, the most undesired job in the council.

Thanks so much for your help kevin! i'm guessing that the way i have written it is appropriate? the thing is it does not have a lot on what i did exactly

It's the reflection that's more important than the details, it's great!

:)