Hello essayforum mods! Can you help me out with this part of the Columbia U app? My answer is 780 characters, with spaces, and that number needs to be less than or equal to 600. Can you guys tell me what i can shave or how so i can bring down the character count? Any other general feedback on my answer would also be appreciated. This is a first draft. Thanks in advance guys!
The question is:
Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why
My current answer is:
In sculpting our college lists, students research everything a college has to offer before deciding to apply. On top of satisfying my every whim and desire, and the fact that I can see myself "fit" in the campus, Columbia University has captured the very essence of my passion to learn. There in the mission statement, the fuel of my academic career is portrayed in a simple sentence: "It seeks to...support research...on global issues and to create...relationships with many countries" If only I could be around those who truly want advance the statement's reality, I am sure I could dominate both tasks.
SO...now that that's over and done with. What do you think of it overall? Are there any grammatical mistakes? did I cut out the right pieces? is it okay for me to butcher their mission statement like that?
HAHA! I DID IT! It took about an hour more than it should have but I got it under 600 characters! rolling in at just 599 character is...my new draft!
A couple of phrases sound a bit . . . well, arrogant is the only word that comes to mind. Specifically "satisfying my every whim and desire" and "dominate both tasks." Perhaps you could cut the former and replace the latter with "excel at both tasks." Apart from that, your response looks good.
Here is one spot to improve:
Right there in the mission statement, the fuel of my academic career is portrayed in a simple sentence: "It seeks to...support research...on global issues and to create...relationships with many countries." If only I could be around those who truly want advance this statement's reality, I am sure I could dominate both tasks.
Ohhhh... I understand what Sean meant... the word "whim" is not so good, because it sounds like something thoughtless. I think that changing that one word, or just taking it out, would be good.
Good job working with this until it became excellent!
oo, god..arrogant? not what i was going for. I was just trying to sound confident in my ability to propel the school's ideals (which I am really not. This is a WAY far dream school for me)... Is there anything other than those two parts? I could fix those now...
Another alternative to "Supplying everything i was looking for" would be "fitting every constraint", which also just takes up less characters. Are either of those better/ less arrogant-sounding? I'm just trying to say here that students look for things in a college, and if a college has those things they get put on the list, which is why Columbia's on mine. Hence they "have stuff i want"- i was just trying to make it sound more eloquent than that.
Thanks for the advice on that sentence kevin, though i left out the "right there" because I'm already over the character limit. Does the sentence still work okay without it? The entire thing is 604 characters now, so I still need to shave off 4 characters for me to be able to submit it...
Nope, don't worry too much! I guess I like "accommodating all my interests"
It is a good essay, for sure. I hope you get in!! Go the extra mile in visiting the admissions office and making gestures that show how important it is to you!
:)
alright, i went with that. Thanks a bunch guys. Happy editing!
