Common App Long Essay about immigration and global community

Hey guys, just joined. Was wondering if you could tell me how I could improve this essay? If you need an idea of what type of colleges I am applying to, let me know.

Thanks!

I looked out the window to see that I was roughly 30,000 feet above the ocean. A few hours earlier, I was in India playing outside with my cousins when my mom told me to pack my things because we were headed to the United States to live with my dad. I was neither afraid nor surprised; my family was always moving because of my father's job. Since birth, I have lived in over ten different houses. The United States, however, was much bigger than any other place I had lived, so was obviously a little nervous. So as I sat, looking down at the majestic ocean, I pondered over life in America. As the small dingy apartments and familiar language of my world disappeared, I wondered how I would make new friends. Would I be able to understand teachers? Would I make new friends? These thoughts raced through my head as the plane descended, and as I caught my first glimpse of my new country. Green marshes, long straight roads, and lavish bridges covered the land below. The differences between India and New Jersey were stark. These images did nothing to calm my nerves. For the first time in my life, I was legitimately afraid.

Then, as I came out of the terminal, I saw a strange sight. The airport was filled with many different types of people. There were Caucasians, Africans, Asians and even some Indians walking around without a second thought to each other. I heard people talking with Cockney accents, others talking in Mandarin, or was it Japanese? These people must have been scared like me when they first arrived, yet they seemed comfortable now. Realizing that they probably overcame the same fears I was feeling, settled my nerves. After all, deep down we are all the same-human.

On my first day of school, I was again reminded of the cultural diversity present in America. I sat next to a Chinese boy in class, and even my teacher was African American. At my old school, everyone spoke the same language, and of course they were all Indian. Before my first day ended, I managed to find a fellow Indian during recess. I greeted him in Hindi, but he answered with a perplexed look; he had no idea what I was saying. Looking back, maybe it was naïve of me to expect that my life here would be the same as in India.

As I learned English, and gained confidence, my circle of friends grew. At lunch, I sat with a Japanese boy, a Polish girl, and the Indian kid I met at recess. We shared our lunches, and thus tried different cuisines. While I still don't like sushi, I could never thank my Polish friend enough for introducing me to Kielbasa sausages!

While at first I was nervous, I eventually embraced America's multiculturalism and have learned much about the world in the process. As a result of immigrating to America, I realized that while we might all come from different places we are still one global community.

Sentence seems kind of long: A few hours earlier, I was in India playing outside with my cousins when my mom told me to pack my things because we were headed to the United States to live with my dad

Redundant: Would I make new friends?

The differences between India and New Jersey were stark. These images, and the contrast did nothing to calm my nerves. For the first time in my life, I was legitimately afraid.

maybe it was naïve of me to expect that my life here would be the same as in India. reading the earlier paragraphs it would seem that you did not expect it to be the same

Might want to explore how you benefitted from multiculturalism other than food (although this is fine). Perhaps the unique insights afforded by members of other cultures? Specific examples?

Build to a stronger finish.

Haha thanks, will add a bit about the different virtues I learned from this exposure rather than just food(at the time, the only thing I could think of).

Revised version: (thanks for the help dixiej):

I looked out the window to see that I was roughly 30,000 feet above the ocean. A few hours earlier, my mom told me to pack my things because we were headed to the United States to live with my dad. At first, I was neither afraid nor surprised. After all, my family was always moving because of my father's job; since birth, I have lived in over ten different houses. The United States, however, was much bigger than any other place I had lived, so was obviously a little nervous. So as I sat, looking down at the majestic ocean, I pondered over life in America. As the small dingy apartments and familiar language of my world disappeared, I wondered how I would fit in to this new community. Would I be able to understand teachers? Would I make new friends? While the plane descended, I caught my first glimpse of my new country and these questions raced through my head. Green marshes, long straight roads, and lavish bridges covered the land below. The differences between India and New Jersey were stark and the contrast did nothing to calm my nerves. For the first time in my life, I was legitimately afraid.

Then, as I came out of the terminal, I saw a strange sight. The airport was filled with many different types of people. There were Caucasians, Africans, Asians and even some Indians walking around without a second thought to each other. I heard people talking with Cockney accents, others talking in Mandarin, or was it Japanese? These people must have been scared like me when they first arrived, yet they seemed comfortable now. Realizing that they probably overcame the same fears I was feeling, settled my nerves. After all, deep down we are all the same-human.

On my first day of school, I was again reminded of the cultural diversity present in America. I sat next to a Chinese boy in class, and even my teacher was African American. At my old school, everyone spoke the same language, and of course they were all Indian. Before my first day ended, I managed to find a fellow Indian during recess. I greeted him in Hindi, but he answered with a perplexed look; he had no idea what I was saying. Looking back, maybe it was naïve of me to expect that he also knew the language.

As I learned English, and gained confidence, my circle of friends grew. At lunch, I sat with a Japanese boy, a Polish girl, and the Indian kid I met at recess. We shared our lunches, and thus tried different cuisines. While I still don't like sushi, I could never thank my Polish friend enough for introducing me to Kielbasa sausages! Obviously, food is not the only benefit of having such diverse friends; my friend's parents taught me a lot about their cultures whenever I visited. For example, I learned how to make origami structures, as well as about Kimono (Japanese clothing) and how it differs for married and unmarried women.

While at first I was nervous, I eventually embraced America's multiculturalism and have learned much about the world in the process. As a result of immigrating to America, I learned that while we might all come from different places we are still one global community.

Hello,

This essay is almost perfect. It talks about your experience in a vivid way. It almost resembles the very same experience I had when I was six and my family immigrated to the United States. I think any admissions officer would appreciate this story. The only thing I would fix is your opening sentence. I am pretty sure you have no human talent that lets you know that you are approximately 30,000 feet above water. Rephrase that some other way so that it is clear. -AAO

Thanks for the help Kevin, I changed it to "Thousands of feet" :)

How about, I looked out the window and saw nothing but a broad expanse of ocean as the pilot announced we were at 30,000'