Common App main essay: Mother's Battle Changed my life

I have written the below essay and I know it needs a ton of work! I have a very hard time with talking about myself and my feelings. Can anyone help?? Is this too much about my mother?

Mother's Battle Changed my life

During my freshman year of high school, my family underwent a significant disruption. We were forced to relocate due to my parents' military duty, and life was already filled with uncertainties. It was in this backdrop that my mother delivered a piece of somber news - she had been diagnosed with breast cancer.

The diagnosis sent shockwaves through our family. We were still adjusting to the challenges of our relocation, and now we had to grapple with the uncertainty surrounding my mother's health. But amidst the turmoil, my mother displayed unwavering determination. She declared, "I will beat this!" Her strength and conviction served as a profound source of inspiration for me, marking a turning point in my life. It was clear that I needed to become a source of strength for both my family and myself during this challenging time.

In the ensuing months, I witnessed my mother's incredible resilience. She faced the grueling challenges of cancer treatment while diligently fulfilling her military responsibilities and maintaining a sense of normalcy in our family life. Her strength transcended the physical; it was deeply rooted in her unwavering determination and boundless positivity, even during her weakest moments. Her unwavering spirit became a wellspring of aspiration for me.

My mother's eventual victory over cancer was a testament to her extraordinary strength, renewing our family's hope and filling us with immense gratitude. Her triumph deepened my personal commitment to success, not just in academics but in every facet of life.

As I embark on my college journey, I carry my mother's spirit and resilience as a guiding light. Rather than approaching life's challenges as battles to be fought, I've learned to channel that energy into self-improvement and uplifting those around me.

My personal goal is to become the best version of myself, continually pushing my limits and surmounting obstacles. While academic excellence remains a top priority, I also place great emphasis on the importance of a close-knit, supportive community. To me, a "family setting" comprises friends and colleagues who share my aspirations and not only bolster my academic journey but also challenge and inspire me to surpass my own expectations.

In college, I aim to surround myself with like-minded individuals who will help me thrive both academically and personally. My mother's determination serves as my model, and I am determined to bring that same level of dedication to my college experience.

This transformative experience has fundamentally reshaped my perspective. It has taught me that life gives you unexpected challenges, and our responses to these challenges define us. My mother's battle with cancer underscored the notion that adversity can serve as a catalyst for growth and transformation. It is not about avoiding difficulties but confronting them head-on with unwavering determination and a positive mindset.

As I progress through college, I am driven by an unwavering desire to make my mother proud and to uphold the example she has set. With this newfound support system, I wholeheartedly believe that I can achieve greatness. My mother's resilience has become an integral part of my character, propelling me forward with purpose and unwavering determination.

In conclusion, my mother's battle with cancer has indelibly marked my life. Her strength and resilience guide my path and inspire me to navigate the challenges of college and beyond. I am committed to using these lessons to achieve my personal best and make a positive impact on the world. Her triumph over adversity has molded me into a person who firmly believes that resilience can conquer any obstacle, and I eagerly carry this belief forward into the future.

I agree that you need to shorten the reference to your mother's cancer battle. You have too much of a backstory going on there which will directly affect the way your application is perceived. You should do your best to focus on a discussion based on how the cancer diagnosis affected you and how it inspired you to become the best college student that you can be. Refocus the discussion to be less on the backstory and more on the abilities that you developed because of your exposure to what happened. That way the reviewer will learn more about your character development through the chosen story focus. Right now, you are making a great case for your mother, but doing a disservice to your own personality in the application.