Hi! This is my response to the first common app topic. I'm not sure if it should be a "Topic of my choice" though. I had another essay written, but I decided to write
this one cause I wasn't satisfied with the old one. Here it is:
Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
"What are you doing this weekend? Want to hang out?" Oh, I can't, sorry! I have a lot of homework, you know, tests, essays, project...
"Anything interesting you did over the break?" Not really. But I did watch this Korean drama. It was not much different from all the other ones I've watched, but it was really cute and funny!
"Did you travel anywhere over the summer?" No. I mean, I did go to Napa Valley for a swim meet if that counts as anything.
As embarrassing as it is, that near-young-adult knew nothing of life beyond her piling schoolwork, her trusty computer and her heavily-chlorinated Sava swimming pool. That near-young-adult... was me.
Not too long ago, I was oblivious of anyone and anything outside my daily routine. I knew only swimmers, Korean entertainment fans and the people within my small group of friends. If asked for directions to the nearest coffee shop, I would not even know (although I have lived in the San Francisco all my life) because there were none near school, home or Sava. My mind was as narrow as a baby's blood vessel.
It was not until I began taking dance, by chance, at school did I become aware of the outside world. I instantly became a fan of Lowell Dance Company upon watching them perform at the annual Winter Showcase. Knowing that I had to improve drastically in order to make it onto the company, I attended a series of dance classes in studios across the city.
Traveling to and fro the studios, on routes and bus lines I had never encountered, allowed me to truly appreciate San Francisco for the first time. I learned that underground train stations have more than one exit, something Google Maps failed to mention, and I learned that Starbucks was pretty much everywhere in the city. I also learned that dance was not always fun and games. The experience of dancing in professional environments taught me that the "real world" heeds no mercy on young adults and that endurance, harsh critiques, sweat and tears are necessary to mold a perfect dancer.
After three years of continual hard work, disappointment and rejection, I finally auditioned into Dance Company. In these few months, the people I have met and the experience I have gained from performing has ultimately broadened my "horizon". This has affected me in something as small as my fashion sense, to something as dynamic as my future goals and plans.
I am proud to say that my mind has become, a little bit more, like a pipe line.
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I wanted to make it a bit lighthearted, but not too unprofessional. I'm afraid it's kind of scattered and possibly corny though... Comments, critiques, anything is much appreciated! :)
Alicia
I think your essay is very unique, I love how you started. It revealed characteristics about your personality and also grabbed my attention off-the-bat. Overall it was well written and the traces of humour were well done. Very good essay. Just get a few more persons to read over for grammar, I might have missed some things. Its a good mix between professional & lightheartedness.
Hope this helps! I would love if you took a look at one of my essays. Thanks!
I like it. I think you had an incredible experience because of dance, but rather than trying to play along with your pattern of writing, or adding to that pattern, you should be more descriptive of the experience. Take advantage of the fact that you had this opportunity. Make it sound amazing.
And I like your intro.
Not that it's relevant, but I went to Napa Valley too! To run.
Hope this helps!
