any feedback (grammatical errors, addressing the prompt) in general would be fantastic.
[leave a link and will gladly look over your work]
Essay prompt: In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.
If you know of the academic rigor in the International Baccalaureate Program, then you may also know of how intense things can get at the time of midterms and finals. Throughout all of this gloom, a light sense of humor can seldom be found. As a personal favor to myself and others, I prefer to be optimistically entertaining during such situations. Whether that involves studying the causes of World War I through Disney songs or coming up with defensive statements for Sarah Palin in mock debate; hilarity is a vital part of any environment and will be especially beneficial to the occasional stresses of college life.
Just as I use humor to keep things in perspective, I know it's quite important to consider all perspectives. I plan on majoring in international relations, where differing points-of-view are of the essence. Coming from a strictly traditional Indian family living in a country of completely different traditions, I've learned to understand, accept and expect differences ranging from familial, academic to social norms. Being open-minded allows for a clearer thought process since I can understand a situation holistically, and when necessary, find an effective solution. For instance, when leading a recent meeting for Habitat for Humanity at school, we were at a loss for a unique fundraiser our entire school would want to participate in. The already small club seemed even smaller since no one spoke. Given that I dislike putting anyone on the spot, I began spouting off random ideas to get the ball rolling, "okay everyone I didn't want to go there but, maybe we can have our own penny drive competing against those Ensworth kids. We can totally take 'em!" A new member spoke up, "but aren't they just first-graders..?" As the group laughed, the light tensions of nervousness seem to ease and students began to open up.
In this sense, being open-minded set a more welcoming atmosphere. And it is in this atmosphere I speak to others in hopes of bringing about any and all of their thoughts and opinions to the surface. Through leadership positions in school and other communities, my charisma has developed. Our Habitat group soon came up with the idea of asking our school's distinguished dance team to put on a special preview show where we charged for admission. I began this group with a friend this year, and in only a few months we have accomplished so much. I generally enjoy working with people to make a difference, so when the opportunity presents itself, I take it. It's with this outlook that I will help strengthen social and academic societies at BU.
At BU, I know I will learn much from my peers and teachers. However, I hope to help them as well by fostering an open atmosphere. With humor and an open-minded and charismatic character, I can enhance the vibrant atmosphere that makes up Boston University.
thanks, appreciate that! good luck to you as well!
do you think i should remove the bit about my traditional family,or is it fine? its informative, but i don't know if it flows..
I guess I think it is distracting that I have to work hard to figure out what the words are. I spend my time trying to figure out which words you mean to establish as the three, and it might detract from the power of the essay. Maybe you can find a clever way to name the 3 words in a sentence somewhere near the beginning of the essay.
You have a great way of writing. One thing, I guess that could improve this would be to see if there is a word that is better than charismatic. I feel like it is not quite what you mean. Charismatic is often something you observe about someone else; I don't know if people often describe themselves as charismatic. You light want to consider alternatives, like engaging. You can explain that you never hesitate to engage people and that you value good communication.
For that last para, you might come up with some ideas for SUBSTANCE, something tangible instead of an abstract idea. For example, you can refer back to a theme that you established in the intro. As I look at the intro to this essay, it seems only like an intro to the point about humor. It will be better if you add a new first paragraph that introduces all three words instead of ust one of them,
Use an intro and conclusion as a frame for the essay, and in both of them use a theme that captures the whole idea of the essay. I hope that helps! I'm afraid it took me too long to respond and I was not in time to help...
:-)
