Hello, thanks for reading. I could use another set of eyes on this essay right now, and I'd be interested in some feedback. I need help on the transition between the second and third paragraphs - I'm unsure of how to bring these together. I'm also interested in word choice and topic choice, specifically in relation to words with a political bent; i.e "proletariat" etc. Keep in mind that Hampshire is a very alternative school with a large community of people subscribing to decidedly more radical ideals. Lastly, I'm wondering if addressing Hampshire directly in this essay is okay - I know the app says not to, but they're the *only* school I'm interested in currently, and the only school I'll be applying to.
Here is the essay (for reference, I went to SUNY Plattsburgh for a year prior, I use the name of the school casually here):
(Assignment: Describe why you're transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.)
It's a fact: go to the grocery store with twenty dollars and a list, and you're sure to return with everything you need. Take the same trip sans the shopping list, and you'll end up with twenty dollars wasted on miscellany - at least, I will. One week in Plattsburgh, I experienced this; I made a quick jaunt into the store, list-free. Twenty dollars later, I stood out in front of the store, drinking a soda I didn't want, holding a bag of things I didn't need. Waiting for the bus, I realized my experience at SUNY was no different - I had all the resources required to get the things I needed, but because of the lack of a coherent articulation of what I was looking for, I ended up with a bunch of disconnected, unfulfilling experiences I didn't need at all. This was a landmark realization that culminated in my withdrawal from Plattsburgh.
Of the many interests I've had in my life, social anarchism has been perennial. While initially, this interest had been only cursory, it grew exponentially during my year at SUNY. I was often in the library reading books by greats like Bakunin, Kropotkin, and Zerzan. On weekends, I would cycle to Burlington, VT to network with local activists, and I often volunteered at the local co-op. Although I found these studies and interactions incredibly fulfilling, there appeared to be no way for me to channel these efforts into the formal educational sphere. I felt I was stuck without any real outlet for my desire to create change. In an uncanny stroke of luck, I came upon Hampshire College.
The connection between anarchism and agriculture is, in my mind, essential. Alternative farming methods now offer an entirely new sense of what we can do with the resources we have; not only as a planet, but as individual communities. If we're able to implement these ideas on a community level in urban settings, we serve to motivate the proletariat to be self-determined and autonomous entities on the small-scale, collective level. Where previously, autonomous zones operating outside the parameters of capitalism and state power have been crushed, marginalized, or otherwise defused of real power to challenge the status quo, none of these instances have been food-secure and self-sufficient. Given that the methods and the knowledge now exist to make self-sufficiency a serious possibility in any environment, this offers a provocative possibility for radical change in the economic, social, and ecological spheres. I want to make these individual parts of a whole come together as one, orchestrated to maximize revolutionary effort with the resources we presently have as a class.
My grocery list is simple: First, I must gain a comprehensive understanding of alternative, sustainable agriucltural methods. Second, I must gain the experience to understand the practical uses of these methods and to develop ideas of my own. Third, I must build a network of peers who are not only friends, but partners in my efforts; critiquing my ideas, offering insights, and creating a community of intelligent, forward-thinking individuals. Without any of these three things, I am hard pressed to be the catalyst for social change I want to be.
[thanks!]
Here is the essay (for reference, I went to SUNY Plattsburgh for a year prior, I use the name of the school casually here):
(Assignment: Describe why you're transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.)
It's a fact: go to the grocery store with twenty dollars and a list, and you're sure to return with everything you need. Take the same trip sans the shopping list, and you'll end up with twenty dollars wasted on miscellany - at least, I will. One week in Plattsburgh, I experienced this; I made a quick jaunt into the store, list-free. Twenty dollars later, I stood out in front of the store, drinking a soda I didn't want, holding a bag of things I didn't need. Waiting for the bus, I realized my experience at SUNY was no different - I had all the resources required to get the things I needed, but because of the lack of a coherent articulation of what I was looking for, I ended up with a bunch of disconnected, unfulfilling experiences I didn't need at all. This was a landmark realization that culminated in my withdrawal from Plattsburgh.
Of the many interests I've had in my life, social anarchism has been perennial. While initially, this interest had been only cursory, it grew exponentially during my year at SUNY. I was often in the library reading books by greats like Bakunin, Kropotkin, and Zerzan. On weekends, I would cycle to Burlington, VT to network with local activists, and I often volunteered at the local co-op. Although I found these studies and interactions incredibly fulfilling, there appeared to be no way for me to channel these efforts into the formal educational sphere. I felt I was stuck without any real outlet for my desire to create change. In an uncanny stroke of luck, I came upon Hampshire College.
The connection between anarchism and agriculture is, in my mind, essential. Alternative farming methods now offer an entirely new sense of what we can do with the resources we have; not only as a planet, but as individual communities. If we're able to implement these ideas on a community level in urban settings, we serve to motivate the proletariat to be self-determined and autonomous entities on the small-scale, collective level. Where previously, autonomous zones operating outside the parameters of capitalism and state power have been crushed, marginalized, or otherwise defused of real power to challenge the status quo, none of these instances have been food-secure and self-sufficient. Given that the methods and the knowledge now exist to make self-sufficiency a serious possibility in any environment, this offers a provocative possibility for radical change in the economic, social, and ecological spheres. I want to make these individual parts of a whole come together as one, orchestrated to maximize revolutionary effort with the resources we presently have as a class.
My grocery list is simple: First, I must gain a comprehensive understanding of alternative, sustainable agriucltural methods. Second, I must gain the experience to understand the practical uses of these methods and to develop ideas of my own. Third, I must build a network of peers who are not only friends, but partners in my efforts; critiquing my ideas, offering insights, and creating a community of intelligent, forward-thinking individuals. Without any of these three things, I am hard pressed to be the catalyst for social change I want to be.
[thanks!]