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COMMON APP TRANSFER SYRACUSE: I Dream of becoming a Unifying Communicator


qasderwdw 9 / 36 1  
Mar 20, 2016   #1
Who is the person you dream of becoming and how do you believe Syracuse University can help you achieve this? (Maximum: 250 words)

I dream of becoming an expert communicator, a creative online creator, and a global peace facilitator. Specifically, I desire to create online content to help others better understand North Korea, with the hope that it will trigger constructive conversation about the North Korean people. My goal is to shift people's focus from the oppressive government to the powerful potential of the North Korean citizens, because I believe this is an important first step toward our unification.

Through life experiences, I have learned that an effective communicator is one who understands both sides of the story and is able to deliver it without bias. And I believe Syracuse University is the perfect place to develop into my dream self, because it embodies exactly what I am seeking-a diverse, inclusive, and broad-minded education that encourages students to see beyond the limits within their own walls. At Newhouse School of Communications, I know my mind will be stretched through its challenging curriculum that explores real-world problems and prepares students with practical knowledge and skills. Through my education at Syracuse, I know I will be able to take my first steps into the world with a confident heart and a learned mind, ready to achieve the dream of taking part in the peaceful unification of my country.

ANY COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED. THANKS! :)

JuanSebastianR 23 / 63 37  
Mar 20, 2016   #2
Dear Qasderwdw,

I enjoyed reading your essay and goals for transferring to Syracuse University. It is very important that you keep that dream and goal alive. :-) As far as the essay content, I have nothing to add or delete. It sounds pure and your point is direct without having to jump any hoops whatsoever. I fixed one mistake. Please see below:

... without bias. And I believe Syracuse ... You can choose to keep the word "and." It's up to you. However, I have many times been commented that in a formal essay, you should never start a sentence with "and." You can keep the word, but you may need to add a comma and in turn, it will make your sentence longer. It's up to you.

We need more people like you who want to unify our world. We sometimes forget that we are all one. I hope you are able to achieve that dream. Just be persistent and never give up! Good luck!
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Mar 21, 2016   #3
- Specifically, I specifically desire
- becauseas I believe
- towards our unification.

- without bias. Andand I believe
- develop into my dream selfultimate dream ,
- I know my mind will be stretched through itsit will be a challenging

Hi Sol, as you can see, I made quiet a few remarks and corrections on your essay.
Honestly, I must say, your essay is bold, you made your point clear and you made sure that it is understood by your readers. This is an absolute must in writing an essay, letting your readers know what exactly it is that you are trying to tell, a story that will awaken the sleepy reader and make your idea known to them.

I hope you do the revision were the remarks are incorporated and will help you further enhance your essay.


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