Common App-volunteer work at community center... making it flow better?

This is my rough draft for the common app short answer section. Max of 150 words. Can someone proofread it and help me make it sound and flow better. I have about 140 words, so maybe I can end it with a little conclusion.

As a faithful young man raised up in a Muslim family, I was taught that serving humanity is among the best deeds in our belief. Thus, I have devoted much of my time to the betterment of the Muslim community in Pittsburgh. Members of the community know me as the co-founder of the "Muslim Youth of Pittsburgh" and as the main conductor of opening ceremonies of community events. Our youth group organizes interfaith meetings where teenagers from all faiths are invited to share their diverse beliefs and perspectives. I also involve myself with more subtle jobs. These include driving to the mosque early Saturday mornings, where I help the cooks prepare food for fundraiser dinners, serve this food to the 600 people who attend, and then stay long hours afterwards with the janitor, trying to keep the mosque clean.

First half is great. I also involve myself with more subtle jobs. Maybe lesser is a better word? Also your ending is fairly messy. Try to break it up more:

On Sunday mornings, I help the cooks prepare and serve the food to over 600 people. Afterwards, i stay after with the janitor in an effort to keep the mosque clean.

Hope this helps and good luck for college

thanks man. I guess i wanted to make that whole last idea into one sentence, but obviously it didn't work. your idea sounds a lot better

i agree with pennman, but I think it's good. You did a good job "elaborating" on an activity you do and linking the reason why you do it.

You can change 'thus' to 'so.' 'Thus' is kind of old-style, not much used any more. 'So' flows better.

You could add a concluding sentence like "Being true to my faith means taking care of even the smallest of details." Something like that. It provides a nice closure.

thanks for the replies. i heard that it's wrong to start a sentence with 'so' but this should be okay because it makes it sound better.

Personally, I don't see much wrong with using "thus," though "so" also works. In this case, though, you might want to just combine your first two sentences into one, and eliminate the need to choose altogether.

I like it, and i think about changing "Saturday mornings" to "Friday mornings". as you know the Muslim meet every Friday.

and from my experience, there is many people here doesn't know What does mosque mean.
so may you mention to its meaning in the bottom of the page.