Hello, I still have 50 words left and I'm wondering if I could have some help in wrapping up my essay as well -- thank you in advance!
Prompt #1: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
I spent a month attending school in Seoul, South Korea as a sixth grader over the summer.
The classroom I was put in is stuffy and hot, the open windows lining one side of the wall, as well as the single electric fan in the corner, the only source of cool solace in the humid summer day. I sat reading the English-translated Odyssey as my textbook; the inability to speak Korean or to understand the language remained a barrier in the fundamentals of learning, but the teachers excused the English classics I chose as an "academic replacement" of the normal lessons that normal students get.
It was an average day until the wooden doors of the classroom slid open and a bespectacled man entered.
"Park Hye In, the principal would like to talk to you."
The word suicide - as I later found out - is passed around in hushed voices, and suddenly, the rambunctious classroom falls into a silence as though clear domes had been placed over our mouths; my lips moved, yet the noise left and bounced off the dome and back into my head, pummeling my young mind into action as it whirled and clicked to make sense of something foreign word.
Statistically, South Korea has a suicide rate of 24.7% out of everyone 100,000 people with a population of 50.22 million; Park Hye In had an older brother in high school, and he had joined the increasing numerical value.
This incident hounded me in the future.
Perhaps it was absolute certainty of my ineptitude that twisted itself into a malicious being that entrapped me within the perpetual cycle of procrastination and a fading joy of living; I felt as though I was worthless in a constantly moving world - living without a single goal.
I was fourteen when I first had thoughts of committing suicide.
Growing up consisted of one erratic change to another. We moved through three countries: first, Japan to South Korea due to my failing health in Japan's harshly humid conditions; second, South Korea to the U.S. for the opportunities that lay in its vast lands and an escape from the grueling education system implemented in the Asian nations. However, the stability that my family craved failed to appear as we constantly moved in Minnesota as well.
During the time, my mother acquired a job and eventually took over a floundering Asian grocery market, and with my father, who also had his equal share of unhappy occupations, raised it up to a successful business that still exists today. During the time, my brother and I remained confined to a large blue couch in the back room made of white tile and plaster, near the boxes of mails and records. Although our family now had more than enough to live off of by then, I was stuck in the strange juxtaposition of childhood and forced - expected - adult maturity.
It was only later, at the age of seventeen, that I stopped having such thoughts; a wonderful confidant, supportive friends all played key roles. While I could have focused on the path of recovery instead, it's the silent anguish, the pain that is caused by all different, and individual reasons, is what truly brings meaning to how precious breathing - growing - living is.
People often ask why I want to return to Korea as a psychologist, as a teacher. Why bother helping a society of people who believe mental treatment is just another Western custom, who scoff at the very idea of it?
Why not? Why should I let the students who are deprived of what had essentially saved me? Why should I wait for another to succeed before I even attempt it? I take pride in being Korean and I want to help the nation in a way I believe is crucial: I want to save another student like Park Hye In's brother.
Besides, I already taught myself Korean.
I really do not see any relation between the story that you related and your central identity. A central identity response essay normally centers around an event in your life that helped you create a mindset or point of view about the world you live in or your personal qualities or traits. This event happened to someone else and, as far as I can tell, did not have a direct effect upon your central identity. Statistics about suicide and the relation of studying psychology, even your return to Korea, just does not make sense because the basis of your central identity story was never established.
The classroom I was put in is stuffy and hot,
not "is in" but "was in"
Alright, since it does not pertain to the prompt, does it fit any of the other common app questions? Or what should I incorporate to make it fit more with the given prompt already? I'm really stressing out, and thank you for the fast replies. What I had going was that I realized then I wanted to help something; what I suppose the message was supposed to be is that I want to give back to the nation as I neglected my ethnicity and language and culture, etc.
Also, for the grammar, I haven't proofread this yet, so any catches with tenses or the sort is really helpful as well.
This really doesn't answer the prompt. You're a really good writer and I enjoyed reading it but I do not see how this is central to your identity. Maybe this part of the prompt can aid you "Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?" Maybe this moment is what prompted you to act on your decision to go back to South Korea even though some of your family members see it as doomed. Either way, you need to dig deep a little and reflect on it. The admissions counselor want to know YOU! So you need to talk about yourself here - not about someone else death.
This is very helpful to me thank you! Unfortunately, I'm nearing the 650 word limit; what part could I possibly delete in order to reflect more on me/my reason for making a decision? Sorry, I must seem like I'm asking a lot, but I'm real desperate now.
Since we do not have a copy of the common app essay list, we cannot really tell if there is a particular essay prompt that you can use this response for. You are the only one who can decide if there is a particular prompt this may respond to. If you want us to help you figure out if there such a prompt in the list, post the common app essay prompts here and we will try to help you out. At this moment, I do not really see this essay fitting in any of the prompts that I know of.
Prompt #: Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?
That's the only one I would say that comes reasonably close; perhaps I could rewrite and reword a bit in order to make it fit the prompt more? Also, I'm currently revising the grammar as we speak.
I would love to see how you revised the essay to the point where you feel it actually answers the prompt. The way I see it, the story you are telling cannot fulfill the prompt requirements. But I could be wrong and you might be able to spin the essay towards a more relevant response to the prompt. I'll be waiting to read your newest version. I wish you the best of luck. Just in case, I suggest you prepare a back up story or event that you can use in case your new version still does not work for the prompt. It is always best to be prepared :-)
ALRIGHT. Time for another try; I reworded and deleted many passages due to the word limit and I'm really hoping this time it pertains to the prompt more so than the last attempt (it's exactly 150 words).
The essay is getting to the central identity part. The current problem, is that you open with a story from the past that does not seem to have a connection to your 14 year old self. One way of fixing that problem is by opening your essay with a reference to your being 14 and thinking of committing suicide. Connect those thoughts to the first time you heard about the word, without going into great detail about that person who killed himself. Lose the statistics about the rate of suicide in Korea that is not important to the admissions officer. The central theme of the story should be your thoughts about suicide, what made you reconsider committing suicide, and how you view suicide at present. Show us a growth and development in your sense of logic, understanding, and character owing to the events that you related. If you can perfect do that, we can then work on lessening the word count :-)
Oh jeez... I ended mostly grammar and a couple of technical things, but I already submitted the application out of complete panic and time limit... The way it is -- is it really that lacking or a decent essay? Sorry, I'm incredibly anxious at the moment.
What is clear to me as I read the essay is that the story being told is something about a person named Park and a suicide that possibly happened in his family. I got information about the statistics of suicide in Korea and I found out that you just learned about suicide at that point. If I were the admissions officer, I would wonder how this relates to your central identity since are obviously not Park. If I were the admissions officer, I would definitely set this aside for irrelevance to the prompt. I would not continue wasting my time reading about someone who is not the applicant. That is why I was suggesting the revision above. By placing your information at the top, you can hold the interest of the reader and ensure that he will be interested in reading everything that you wrote about the development of your central identity.
I truly apologize for the delay in my response and if it caused you any problems. I hope that you can apply the revisions I suggested to the essay, should you decide to use the same essay for a different central identity prompt at a different college. Of course my opinion about the paper may be different from the opinion of the admissions officers reading it so the current format may or may not work in your favor at this point. Nobody can really tell. I offer you my best wishes and good luck with your application :-)
