Common application essay - When that Eisenbahn hit me

background, identity essay

Hello,

I just wrote an essay for the Common Application on the topic: "Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story." Could you give me some feedback? I suppose I should develop my ideas a little more - what do you think?

It was summer after ninth grade. Sweating, I run the stairs up, ignoring my cat's protests for a stroke. My back bending with the weight of the bags I carry, I open the door wide and, after a deep breath, scream for my mother, announcing that I'd collected the donations for Lavras that year. This was when that Eisenbahn hit me.

Instead of my mother's enthusiastic medium-pitched timbre, a mutter reaches my ears, and, as I carefully step into my house, a nauseant and wispy smell initially stuns me. Looking ahead after dominating my stomach, I see my mother lying on the wet floor, feebly trying to hide from my sight; besides her, the source of the stink: four empty bottles of beer. Numb, I watch her giving confusing excuses. Only after minutes of hesitation, I lean over her, feeling the alcoholic sweat dripping on my shirt, as we make our way to her bedroom. In spite of her useless objections, I place my mother's frail body on the bed.

Though rare at first, the scenes of this dreadful woman became more and more present in my life. Soon, I had to replace my mother in my house, cooking and cleaning for my brother and father after going to school, only to hide in other worlds at night: Philip K. Dick and Asimov would accompany me to planets far away from my reality, making me forget the body which laid, semiconscious, on the bed. I was sure the world was fulfilled with worst miseries, but I couldn't avoid feeling helpless as the image of that decrepit woman washed away the old pictures of my mother, the teacher who would spend her nights reading Lord of the Rings for me and my brother before we slept.

After that endless summer and the subsequent month, I was determined to forget what happened at home. As result, to forget what awaited me after class, I started consuming my time with other students. Tutoring was, in that time, my escape route, through which I shared what really mattered to me: science, the lens of the past and the future. And by the end of the year, I also took part in ACDEM, a project for helping children physical and mental problems. When I first went there, seeing those kids determinated to fight their diseases, I couldn't help, but to think about my mother. She, like those people, had health problems - but, unlike them, she was alone. It was easy for me to blame her for the alcoholism, but did I ever try to help her overcome it?

I was able to captivate my friends with science and make them laugh in difficult time, but I hadn't use my jokes or smile with the one who raised me and, now, so badly needed my help. The next day, after my German class, I bought my mother's favorite chocolate and placed it next to her pillow, with a small letter, despite the terrible memories entering her room always brought back. The next day, we surrendered.

Nowadays, though still fighting alcoholism, my mother has my help, as I accompany her during her theraphy and, in spite of not being a psicologist, try to make her days happier. However painful her addition has been to both of us, it also revealed my passion for science and teaching; without it, I wouldn't be myself.

Arthur, your mother's alcoholism and that particular day that you had to deal with it has taken over the whole essay. While I understand that this background is something that had a direct effect on your life, you need to showcase it in a manner that allows you to become the center of the presentation rather than your mother. In fact, I do not consider this a relevant background, or identity story based on the prompt requirements. Maybe you have not chosen the right prompt for your chosen topic, which still need to be revised anyway. I think that a revised version of this essay would be a better fit for the following prompt:

Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

I would consider this an event that helped you learn something new about yourself and others because you chose to deal with the problem by exposing yourself to peers who needed your help, but who actually improved because of your participation in their lives. This essay clearly shows that the event sparked a period of personal growth on your part which led to your understanding of others or, most specifically, your mother's health problems and how it affected you.

You may also opt to keep this essay in its original form. If so, then the go to prompt would be:

Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

You don't need to come up with a prompt for this essay, just a relevant title that will explain what the topic is and what the outcome of the experience was. You will need to think of a creative and interesting title for this essay if you want to use it in this current form. By the way, you misspelled psychologist in the essay.

Move the discussion focus away from your mother and lean more towards discussing your reaction to the situation, lessons learned, how you applied it, and what you learned about others. Remember, your mother is not the applicant so she should not be the major character in the application essay response.

Thanks for the comments! :)