Common Application. Personal Statement. ''Dragon boat race"'

"You wanna get in a Dragon boat race?"
I had not even paddled a boat before. But when I heard this event from school notice, I just put my name on it. I told my self, this might be fun. So I wasn't surprised when I told Mom about the dragon boat race which was going to be held in the city in 1 months and she asked without much attention.

The second day I went to the selective trials. Most prospective girl members were just like me, not strong enough, inexperienced. The coach asked all of us do 20 push-ups to see our strength. 20 push-ups could be the sum of push-ups I had ever done! I bent over on the ground, supported my body by my arms, breathed deeply. One, two, three... My arms were shaking, and I knew I must do every push-up as perfect as possible instead of casting myself on the ground. "You're good. Get up." I jumped up and laughed. I'm in.

Though the dragon boat race tradition came from an ancient story in China, bearing the great poet Qu Yuan in mind, this was still the first time I had a connection with it.

The training started in an early Sunday morning. I took a heavy, wooden quant with one hand holding tight on the upper side of it and the other hand grabbing its tail part. Everybody sit in sequenced 2-row chairs ashore, 6 people in one row. We practiced basic movement along with cadent drumbeat again, and again. Up the blistering sunshine, we kept practicing for an hour with wet shirts, ache waist and arms. When it came to the hottest time in a day, actual combat started.

I remember how different it was between rolling my quant ashore in air and in water. Everybody's action must be synchronous so that the boat would progress fast. Everybody had to cling to the gunwale so the boat wouldn't upside down. We paddled hard, put forth on sticking the quant in water, and pulled back with all the power we have quickly.

I sit in the very first of our team and every action of me decided our speed. I concentrated myself to the drumbeat. The quant pierced into the peaceful lake in the flash I heard the start signal. I cannot slow down to damage the tempo already established. I need to stay energetic to encourage each exhausted member. "Common, this is fun!" We stick the quant face to the two sides of boat, then turn back to smile to our neighbor members. Yes, this was how we cheered on.

All the teams, coaches, media and audience gathered on the game day. After wearing life jackets, we board on the dragon boat. Every drop of sweat would be paid off this day. The starting gun shot. Drumstick started to beat. Hostess was reporting the latest on a yacht following our boats. We have to tell our own drumbeat from all the noises on the lake.

That was a windy day, with 300-meter lake surface waiting to be disturbed. We kept our eye on the goal. 100 meters, 200 meters... We got exceed by the other team. Last 50 meters! Everybody seemed to be exhausted. Cadent quant turned to be messed up. Cheering voice no longer worked. We just rushed to the goal with closed eye splashed by water.

We stepped ashore without disappointment. Because we all knew that, we enjoyed the process. Every early morning we spent on the boat and exhausted training we had been through is what I got from the game. Though we were not strong as the other team consisted of athletes, we did our best and had fun. Never beat a retreat for anything unfamiliar. Stay curious and join in. Lots of treasures are way to be found.

I've written over 600 words. This may be too long for a personal statement. How's the idea?

You mean you saw this on a school notice or you heard this event from a school announcement?


This sentence is confusing.


Random. Not necessary.



What you mean is you sat in front of everyone else. I don't understand how you alone decided the boat's speed.


What?


You stayed curious and joined in.

Without grammatical errors this essay gets to the point.

I had not even paddled a boat before. But when I heard this event from school notice, I just put my name on it.I had never paddled a boat before. However, when I saw this event on a school noticeboard, I inexplicably felt compelled to register.

I told my self, this might be fun. So I wasn't surprised when I told Mom about the dragon boat race which was going to be held in the city in 1 months and she asked without much attention.


^True.

The second day I went to the selective trials.
^What second day? Do you mean, the 'next day'?

Most prospective girl members were just like me, not strong enough, inexperienced.The other female members were just like me. They were not strong enough and inexperienced. The coach asked all of us do 20 push-ups to see our strengthas a test of our strength . I thought that perhaps, in my whole life that on aggregate, I have probably only done 20 pushups. 20 push-ups could be the sum of push-ups I had ever done! I bent over on the ground, supported my body bywith my arms,and breathed deeply. One, two, three...

^Is the count, a psychological countdown to start doing pushups, or that how many pushups you did?
*Man, I am 100 kilos plus and I can do 20 plus pushups. It must be because OF THESE PYTHONS ---FLEXES ARM
*Returns to essay at hand.

My arms were shaking, and I knew I mustthat I had to do every push-up as perfect as possible instead of casting myself on the ground.perfectly. "You're good. Get up." I jumped up and laughed. I'm in.I was in.

*Who told you that you were good? Yourself, friends, or the coach?

Though the dragon boat race tradition came from an ancient story in China, bearing the great poet Qu Yuan in mind, this was still the first time I had a connection with it.

The training started in an early Sunday morning. I took a heavy, wooden quant with one hand holding tight on the upper side of it and the other hand grabbing its tail part. One hand held the upper side tightly, whilst my other hand grabbed it's tail part.

Everybody sit in sequenced 2-row chairs ashore, 6 people in one row.
^Should be in past tense.

We practiced basic movement along with cadent drumbeat again, and again. Up the blisteringsunshine, we kept practicing for an hour with wet shirts, ache waist and arms. When it came toAt the hottest time inof that day, actual combat started.

^Not a big fan of the blistering simile
Also, it should be 'aching'. How do waists ache by the way? Unless, you were referring to your obliques or side laterals?

I remember how different it was between rolling my quant ashore in air and in water. Everybody's action must be synchronous so that the boat would progress fast. Everybody had to cling to the gunwale so the boat wouldn't upside down. We paddled hard, put forth on sticking the quant in water, and pulled back with all the power we have quickly.

I sit in the very first of our team and every action of me decided our speed.
^That should be in the past tense.

I concentrated myself to the drumbeat.
^Drumbeat?

Umm, I am reading your next paragraph. Is this competition day?

The quant pierced into the peaceful lake in the flash I heard the start signal. I cannot slow down to damage the tempo already established. I need to stay energetic to encourage each exhausted member. "Common, this is fun!" We stick the quant face to the two sides of boat, then turn back to smile to our neighbor members. Yes, this was how we cheered on.

^Past tense.

All the teams, coaches, media and audience gathered on the game day. After wearing life jackets, we board on the dragon boat. Every drop of sweat would be paid off this day. The starting gun shot. Drumstick started to beat. Hostess was reporting the latest on a yacht following our boats. We have to tell our own drumbeat from all the noises on the lake.

^Past tense.

That was a windy day, with 300-meter lake surface waiting to be disturbed. We kept our eye on the goal. 100 meters, 200 meters... We got exceed by the other team. Last 50 meters! Everybody seemed to be exhausted. Cadent quant turned to be messed up. Cheering voice no longer worked. We just rushed to the goal with closed eye splashed by water.

^Everything that I highlighted in bold needs a revision and some work.

We stepped ashore without disappointment. Because we all knew that, we enjoyed the process. Every early morning we spent on the boat and exhausted training we had been through is what I got from the game. T

^This needs grammar revision.

hough we were not strong as the other team consisted of athletes, we did our best and had fun. Never beat a retreat for anything unfamiliar. Stay curious and join in. Lots of treasures are way to be found.

^In the first sentence, it is as if you believe that you only lost because your opponents had an athletic advantage. It is fine to believe this, but mentioning this shows that whilst you may not be affected by the loss, a part of you still feels that you had an unforgivable disadvantage...

-In your second sentence, I think you mean 'defeat'?
Also, I do not get your final three sentences.

As I have found myself saying repeatedly on these forums just lately, when writing a university application essay, it is always good to explicitly say what you learned from whatever experience you are talking about, and to explain how this will make you a good applicant. Apart from that, the narrative itself is original and interesting, and should continue to be the basis for your revised essay.

You have a great idea, but in personal statements there are no time for background infomation of "fillers" to introduce unnecessary occasions. You may want to start by telling the reader your whole POINT of writing this essay. This will help the reader to understand and guide them into your interesting story.

^Well the CommonApp does not really ask for a Personal Statement. I assume that this question was in response to one of the 'Long Essay' questions.

Unlike most common application statements, this starts strong and keeps the reader's attention. I like the inclusion of information about the history of the race. But, you should -- I think in the conclusion rather than the introduction -- say why you are telling this story. What does it show about you that you want the admissions committee to know?

Looks great!

Thank you for all suggestions! Really helped a lot. Here's my revised essay.

When I saw the dragon boat race event on a school notice-board, I inexplicably felt compelled to register. A tradition derived from ancient Chinese history to bear a great poet Qu Yuan in mind is all I know about this event. I couldn't wait to establish connection with it and fulfill my curiosity even though I had never paddled a boat before.

...

Is this why you felt compelled to register? This sentence has a confusing structure.


Establish a connection with Chinese history?

Your introduction is a little weird now.


Coach.



As opposed to a fake one?


Bold is confusing to me.


Tense issues.


It came with your ambition? What?

Is there any ideas about the topic? Do I need to switch the topic and write something else ?

The topic is fine. Fix your intro. The essay kept me reading.

Thank you so much!
This is the second revison work. Is it getting better?

The notice of dragon boat race event on a school notice-board inexplicably attracted me. All I knew about this event was that it is a tradition derived from ancient Chinese history to bear a great poet Qu Yuan in mind. I couldn't wait to fulfill my curiosity and register even though I had never paddled a boat before.

I took a heavy, wooden quant. One hand held its upper side tightly, whilst my other hand grabbed its tail part. Everybody sat in sequenced 2-row chairs ashore, 6 people in one row. Everything was brand new and intriguing. We had a coach who taught us basic movement of boating and skills of speeding up, a drummer who beat a drum to regulate our rhythm, and a real dragon boat! Under the scorching sunshine, we kept leaning forwards to push the quant and leaning backwards to pull back for an hour with wet shirts, aching waist and arms.

The exhaustion of ashore practice was more then I expected, not to mention the actual performance on the lake. I remember how different it was between rolling my quant ashore in air and in water. Everybody should paddle synchronous to let the boat progress fast, cling to the gunwale to prevent the boat from flipping over. All of those situations converted into my courage and determination to stick up, even in the dangerous situation where the strong wind compelled us to float above the lake and the boat could overturn at any minute.

The big competition day finally came along with my expectation. We warmed up, wore life jackets and board on the boat in the eyes of all the teams, coaches, media and audience. Every drop of sweat would be paid off this day. The starting gun shot. Each Drummer started striking drums. I had to tell the drumbeat by our own drummer from all other teams' on the lake to lead the team's movement.

300-meter lake surface were still waiting to be disturbed in that windy day. In order to make sure everybody turn their waists and apply strength efficiently, I came up with an idea which was to meet the eyes of people on your other side when pulled back quant. It really worked, the teams whole action was regular as model. We used up all the strength but still got exceed by one other team. Last 50 meters! I was exhausted and so were others. The order of quant movement was completely jumbled. Cheering voice no longer worked. We just rushed to the goal with closed eye splashed by water.

We missed the championship, but the feeling filled in my mind was happiness rather than disappointment. I cooperated with everybody else and enjoyed myself during the discussion about our strategy in race. I recalled the first time I stepped on the wobbly boat and heard girls' exciting screaming. I remember the hard training frazzle my hand skin. I found not only our team's strength during training, but also my inner potential to dare something new. Every challenge was a precious chance to know better about myself. Never defeat by anything unfamiliar before taking a shot. Stay curious and join in. Lots of treasures are way to be found.

The topic is great. It doesn't always flow though. English is tough! There are parts of it that sound "off" to the native speaker's ear. Take these sentences, for example:

Never defeat by anything unfamiliar before taking a shot. Stay curious and join in. Lots of treasures are way to be found.

They read like a Chinese fortune cookie. I suppose that shouldn't surprise me seems how you are from China. They are almost like commands though ... instructions for a better life. They come up generic and meaningless though; kind of like a fortune cookie, they could apply to anyone.

There are other parts that are a little awkward because of the wording. We can help you with that. It is *way* past my bedtime (the first day of school is tomorrow!), but let me give you just a few:


Every challenge was a precious chance to know myself better.


I remember how the hard training frazzled the skin on my hands.

My changes were very minor, but the new sentences flow better. You are close. So very close. I'll let others add their thoughts.

Is this essay suitable for common application's main essay?

I think it is a good essay to write for the common app. Maybe you might want to consider expanding your thoughts on perseverance and other values you have learnt from this competition?