Commonapp short answer ("a member of track and field team")

Hello everyone, here is my short answer for the commonapp.org writting requirements("In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities"), I would be really thankful for any correction :)

As a member of track and field team for my first university, I feel that I have greatly benefited from them. They have entirely changed me from a single to a team player. In the beginning of my freshman years I wasn't that enthusiastic about enrolling in the university's track and field team, but during the first serious competition, which required a very strong team play, in order to win, I felt myself as a part of something really important and special, a part of the group. After that competition, which we have eventually won with a great breakaway, I was no longer unagitated about spending my spare time on trainings. I have made very good friends there and I am grateful really to the university for providing such a great opportunities for their students to be a part of something significant and unique.

and btw i took the first line from somewhere i don't remember where, so don't judge me on that;)

Best regards, George.

Hi George, the first line is not particularly strong, so why bother to use it? Maybe sometime today you will think of a great, attention-grabbing first line that seems right to you.

Some pointers:

"I feel that I have greatly benefited from them" Them doesn't refer back to anything. "member," "team," and "university" are all singular nouns.

"which we have eventually won with a great breakaway,"

"I was no longer unagitated " Beware the double negative.

I have made very good friends there, and I am grateful really to the university for providing such a great opportunities for their students to be a part of something this significant and unique.

A few more little fixes.

Kevin and Sean, thank you very much:)

No problem -- that's why we're here. Feel free to post the revised draft for more feedback.