This is a quick personal statement I worked on as a class assignment I was wondering if it is okay and I just need to fix stuff or it is just better to start from scratch? If it is just a matter of revising can you please help? Prompt: Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I am also concerned because one of my college advisers said not to add all three family, community, school, and I believe I did. Will it affect me a lot? Thank you!!
There are many factors that contribute to my dreams and aspirations. Not only my dreams but they have shaped who I am, and has given me an idea of what I want to do with my future. These factors include: my community, family, and school. These aspects have a been a important part of my life.
My community has influenced me greatly to be a hard-working person. It has opened my eyes and taught me that not everything in life is handed to you effortlessly. I have learned that \
those who persevere will manage to meet their goal in life. There is an abundance of students in my community that are very competitive and I feel it is my job to be prominent. My community has encouraged me to work hard and persevere my dreams until I attain them.
Apart from my community another factor that contributes a great deal to my dreams and aspirations is my family. My father never had any of the opportunities I have obtained today and still managed to work his way up. As a child he faced many family and economic troubles; with these struggles he was still capable of turning his life around and was able to provide our family with what he never had as a child. He was a veterinarian in Mexico after finishing college but when he came to the Unites States all his work was like if he did nothing. He has been a truck driver for a good 25 years, and manages to own property and support our family. I plan to finish what he started in Mexico and become a veterinarian as well. My passion for animals is unexplainable, being a veterinarian has always been my dream as a child. i intend to do the best I can to reach these dreams and aspirations, and make my father proud.
As mentioned previously, school has also molded me into the person I am today. I see school as competition; I believe that those who work hard throughout high school will succeed in the future. This is one of the reasons why I have challenged myself by taking advanced courses at my school. I feel the need to push myself in order to be fully prepared for the future. Apart from advanced courses I have also joined various types of clubs and sports. Clubs have also made me realize the satisfaction gained from helping someone in need, and helping the community. Not only that, but it has helped me be more expressive, and be more social among my peers.
School in general has helped me to be more competitive and a demanding person towards my aspirations. These aspects have contributed greatly to the dreams and goals I have set in my mind. I plan to pursue these goals by working hard until I obtain them. Accepting any opportunity and any challenges that cross my path with benefit me by making me a stronger person mentally. Anybody is capable of succeeding, it is just the matter of who wants it more. I have enough ambition, willingness, and determination to reach the goals I have set for myself.
I would get rid of the first paragraph because I don't think that you should have the wording of the question in the essay. You should put it into your own words.
I also think you should only focus on one area, especially your family/dad because that's what I wanted to know more about. If you only focus on one aspect, it would help make the essay flow more, stay consistent and be cohesive so it's not jumping around. I feel like if you put all three aspects there, they will all be competing for attention and you'll end up only writing the general information about those instead of going deeper and expanding on one aspect, which is the point of personal statements.