Any comments about how the essay is written or how to make it better would be really appreciated
Thank You
"Okay, I need you to tell me one of my quirks."
"Hmmm... a quirk... you're sarcastic?"
"That's not a quirk. Give me something better!"
"Ummm..."
"COME ON GIVE ME SOMETHING! IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW ME!"
"I'm sorry Nahiyan, I can't think of anything!"
"Umm... Nahiyan, who are you talking to?"
Yes, this entire conversation you just witnessed was one with me, myself, and I. A very loud, vocal, animated conversation. For as long as I can remember, I would always have full on conversations with myself. It started as an occasional occurrence; whenever I had a serious problem I would talk it out with myself. But soon, it became constant conversations and arguments. Whenever I go shopping, I argue with myself on whether or not I need something. Whenever i'm stressed, I complain and calm myself down with pep talks and corny jokes. Whenever something's wrong with a friend, I discuss it with myself. There are even times when I ask some other real people a question, and before even letting them answer, I answer it myself and proceed to talk to myself about that question. So, why do I talk to myself? I constantly worry about my friends and stupid, crazy, irrational things. Since I worry so much, I don't want to incessantly bother people with my problems, so I just talk it out with myself. My problems are solved, and people don't think I'm crazy. So next year when you hear arguing from my dorm room, don't worry my roommate and I are fine.
LOL Nahiyan! This is one animated essay that is sure to catch the eye of the reviewer. Imagine, you have one extra ordinary quirk. Talking to yourself is never a good sign but in your case, you may just get a pass for it :-) It was an interesting look at a specific character trait that you definitely need to point out before it freaks anybody out. That said, I believe the essay is quite strong and an excellent response to the supplemental prompt.
A few corrections:
IT'SNOT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW ME!"
Yes, this entire conversation you just witnessed was one with me, myself, and I.
whenever I had a serious problem, I would talk it out with myself.
But s Soon, it became constant conversations and arguments.
I argue with myself on ABOUT whether or not I need something. Whenever i'm I'M stressed,
My problems are solved, and people don't think I'm crazy. OR DO THEY? HMMM... So ANYWAY, next year when you hear arguing COMING FROM from my dorm room, don't worry my roommate and I are fine.
Thank you for you feedback!
could you look at this essay too? I can't add another thread for some reason but I have a deadline in a few days and would really like to get everything sent in.
1. What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way?(300 words)
Like most 17 year olds, I used to complain about school. It's not that I disliked school, I enjoy learning new things, but sometimes when everything piles up I let out a string of complaints. But once I read "I Am Malala" the summer of last year, all of those complaints stopped. Most people know the story of Malala Yousafzai: the young girl from Pakistan who got shot by the taliban fighting for her education. But most people don't know her whole story, who she was, where she came from, what life really is like for young girls in Pakistan. The majority of the biography is about the events leading up to her shooting, and reading a first hand account about how poor the education is in those middle eastern countries really came to a shock to me. We've always heard about how fortunate we are to have such a great education system compared to other places in the world, but reading about the daily struggles a teenage, muslim girl no different than myself really showed me how fortunate I am to receive an education. The story hit even closer to home when I realized that girls face the same education struggles in Bangladesh, my home country. If it weren't for my parents coming to America and providing me with the life I have here I wouldn't have the opportunities I do have, like an education and basic rights a lot of women around the world don't have. I try my best to live up to Malala's name and have been working harder in school ever since reading her biography. I'm lucky to have the resources to prosper, now I need to make sure I work to earn that success. And now a days, I never complain about school.
Nahiyan, the essay that you wrote is really quite basic in response. This is the type of uninspired line of thinking that most students often use in responding to this kind of prompt. You have chosen a very important historical person to discuss. The book itself is something that is used as an eye opener by most young women these days. So as a reviewer, I would have expected you to have a more serious point of view and influence interpreted in your essay.
Try to shorten your narrative about the story of the book. It is hard to find someone who doesn't know who Malala is and what she stands for. Those who don't know her, can look up the book synopsis on amazon. Focus instead on the effect that reading the book had on you. It should not be as simple as you have learned not to take your future for granted and that your parents helped you avoid the same fate. While it is a nice touch in the essay, it is not an impressive response.
You could try to aim for a response that showed how the story of Malala has challenged you instead. Talk about how the book unsettled you because of the privileged life that you lead in the US while others in your home country are suffering. Then, imagine what you can do as a simple person to help end the abuse of the women. No matter how simple the thought, what is important is that you show how your way of thinking was challenged to the point where you have decided that you should use your "free woman" position to help those in the situation Malala used to be in. The response should be one that shows your analytical ability and desire to change or improve the world. Show how you can empathize with people. That should help the essay become stronger in terms of message and response.
hopefully I understood what you meant with your edits
Like most 17 year olds, I used to complain about school. It's not that I dislike school, I enjoy learning new things, but sometimes when everything piles up I let out a string of complaints. But once I read "I Am Malala" the summer of last year, all of those complaints stopped. Most people know the story of Malala Yousafzai: the girl from Pakistan who got shot by the Taliban fighting for her education. I've always heard about how fortunate I am to have a great education system compared to places around the world, but reading about the daily struggles of a teenage, muslim girl no different than myself really showed me how fortunate I am to receive an education. The story hit even closer to home when I realized that girls face the same struggles in Bangladesh, my home country. I felt uneasy thinking about how lucky I was in the U.S. while so many other girls, girls that could have been me, are struggling for an education back in my home. While i'm here worrying about what college I'll go to, girls in the middle east are scared to go to school. Now, I always voice my opinion for women's' rights, and more equal opportunities for girls. The book showed me how I need to voice my opinions to make some sort of change in the world. Start with spreading my opinions, and work my way up to helping girls around the world get the education they deserve. Malala's story and the thoughts of those girls are what push me harder to work in school and work harder for anything I do; I want to honor all the girls who can't get an education by working to my full potential. And nowadays, I rarely complain about school.
You understood what I meant by the edits perfectly :-) This is the kind of statement response that showcases the way the book had an impact upon you. The fact that it challenged you to stand up for women's rights is exactly the kind of reaction that one would expect of someone whose mind has been opened by this book. That said, there are a few grammar problems that you overlooked during your proofreading process. So let me address those for you below :-)
But once I read "I Am Malala" DURING the summer of last year,
I've always heard about how fortunate I am to have a great education system compared to places COUNTRIES around the world,
a teenage, muslim girl no different than FROM myself really showed
are struggling for an education back in my home COUNTRY.
While i'm I'm here worrying about what college I'll go to,
voice my opinion for women's' 'S rights, and more equal opportunities for girls.
Thank You so much! I really appreciate the help on both of the essays! :)
