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Is this a computer? Common app- topic of your choice!

callmeapple 3 / 5  
Oct 19, 2011   #1
It is my first draft. Please advise me! It's ok to be harsh!

Is this a computer?

During 1990s a computer system was made. Unlike others, it was of completely different design and was made for completely different purpose. It was modeled at 'Shrestha' company of Nepal.

Talking about the computer system, it has atypical CPU. It weighs around 1.5 kilograms. Other chips were placed far from the CPU. Parallel transmission medium was used to connect between chips and peripherals. However, each single cable could work independently. It needs to function continuously and twenty four hours a day. It has its own backup power system. So, it needs to be charged only three to four times a day depending on the work load. It is natural for body to get hotter working twenty four hours a day. So, a unique type of cooler was used. It is neither the fan nor the ready water nor the metal heat sink. The cooler covers the whole body and is elastic and flexible in structure. Two webcam were fitted just in front of CPU. Two speech synthesizers were fitted and are adjacent to webcam. One speaker, that could control intensity, loudness and pitch on its own, was fitted somewhere below two webcams. Four actuators were fitted around the bridge chips. But, interestingly, a smell detector was also fitted between speaker and webcams. This model was completed after successful installation of BIOS in i 1993, August 06.

After that, many driver software were installed in the body. Webcam driver, speaker driver, speech synthesizing drivers, smells detecting driver and actuator drivers. After successful installation of these drivers, CEO of Shrestha Company bought many generic software from Mount Sinai software company. Those software include encyclopedia, music player, dance simulator, games, word processor, graphic designer and many more. Later, some errors were reported by computer. So, to continue update process, the agreement with Mount Sinai was terminated and new agreement was signed with Valley View. With software from valley view, computer demonstrated different capabilities like leading the parade team, dance simulating, games, volunteerism simulating and many more. But, the software from valley view were not enough so two year agreement was signed with King's software corporation for A-level upgrade.

Some interesting transition occurred during all this update process. Initially, it was designed to work in hospital to help doctors in surgery. So, it was named Sarjan (pronounced as surgeon). However, it seemed not to like helping doctors. It has wonderful math co-processor and problem solving capabilities. It seemed inclined towards helping other computers. So, Shrestha Company has designed to send this computer to send to USA for final tailored program installation; to complete the soul of a computer made for computers. And, this is the story of my life!
NotAnAccount 1 / 5  
Oct 19, 2011   #2
You need to focus more on yourself. You seem to be just lecturing on computers. Explain more on how this is "the story of your life". While your diction is interesting, you need to work on grammar.

Overall, you need to tweak it so it focuses on YOURSELF, not the subject.

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