I'm not too sure if my introductions and conclusions are good (never good at intro and conclusion :x )
Advices and corrections would be appreciated, Thanks in advance :D
Prompt #1 (transfer applicants)
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
"Why does this computer not work?" asked my cousin thirteen years ago. "Because it doesn't have a brain." I responded naively. Since then I have wanted to know more about computers and its components, especially the software part. After I arrived in United States nine years ago, I grew attached to the computer because it does not require high level English skills and it was easy to learn. Years later, I decided to take a computer science class in my senior year of high school. It was then my passion for computer science grew larger.
At first, I though computer science would be easy since I knew a lot about computers and how the components work, but it was a level out of my league. Everything seemed so simple when the teacher explained what each code does. When I started to do the programming exercises, it was as if I went into a different world. The example that the teacher did in five minutes took me more than twenty minutes to understand. After pressing the compile and run button, I was overwhelmed by the errors it displayed. I felt as if like I was not suit for this subject. I struggled throughout the class and received a "B", which did not satisfy me because I need to do better. After graduating from high school, I decided to enroll in Pasadena City College to build up my foundation in computer science.
Last year's winter break was a gift for me. My friend decided to create a game server for an online game, and asked me to make a site for him. I found that this was the perfect opportunity for me to start practicing and minimizing the errors in programming. Because I had no knowledge in HTML and PHP, I had to learn everything by myself. During the process of learning HTML and PHP, I also learned a lot in C++ and Java because they are somewhat related. After several nights with little sleep, the site was brought to live. The traffic for the site went really well for almost three months. It was a very rewarding experience for me. Unfortunately, due to my friend's financial issues, he had to take down the game server and the site as well.
After taking two courses of computer sciences at Pasadena City College, I have become even more passionate toward computer science. The professors had given different insights on the applications of computer science, which one of them was artificial intelligence. I have always wanted to learn about artificial intelligence ever since I was exposed to online gaming. Many hackers created applications called "bot" for the players to play the game without a human being. Rather than using artificial intelligence in computer games, I wanted to use it in the physical world.
Even though I have had many frustrating nights from programming, computer science is the only thing I want to at the moment. Learning from outside of school has been and will be the greatest experiences for me. Many robots such as Honda's ASIMO give me the motivation to continue to strive for the best artificial intelligence code.
Prompt #2 (all applicants)
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
During the freshman year of high school, I had no motivations to focus in any of my school works. Instead of studying, I played games and did unproductive things. I always thought that only the last two years of high school matters, but I was wrong. Things changed shortly after I discovered an activity that pulled my acts together.
When class registration for sophomore year started, I decided to follow my cousin's steps and joined badminton. At first, just like everyone else, thought that badminton is a sport for girls. Unlike tennis or other sports that use a racket, badminton requires a fragile racket, small court, and a small lightweight shuttlecock. During the last couple weeks of school, I went to the gym and watch badminton players practice and prepare for the battle of CIF Championship. Drenched in sweats and endowed with fatigues, the badminton players packed their belongings and left the gym. Their hard work and dedication motivated me to do something that will shape me into a better person.
Badminton was not as easy as it looks. Dedication, self-confidence and hard work are required to overcome obstacles in badminton. Every day in 6th period, we would have to run, drill, and practice with others. I was afraid to practice with other because it will show how weak I am, I always practice with the people same level as I am. During after school practice, I was even more afraid to practice with the better players because the coaches will be watching. Because of this, I was unable to make it to Junior Varsity by the beginning of competitions. By watching the team practice after school makes me want become one of them. Whenever my cousin is free from practicing with the varsity coach, he would teach me different techniques to prepare me for the next season.
Second year of badminton was when I became even more passionate toward the sport. As the season progresses, I have become better than what I used to be. I practiced with experienced players and countless hours by myself, trying to reach for the top. In the end, I did not make it to Varsity team. Even though I was not able to be part of the Varsity team by the beginning of the new season, I have learned a lot through the short badminton seasons. I have always keep my coach's words with me all the time, "It's not about how good you are, it's about how much efforts you put into it."
Badminton had shined a new light in part of my life. By joining this sport, I was able to work in school as hard as badminton practices. I viewed tests as opponents from another school; time must be put in studies in order to defeat the opponent. This sport not only teaches me how to play badminton, it also teaches me the quality of leadership, team play and determination; which are the qualities required for college and the real world.
Prompt # 1
I thought your intro was great!
Even though I have had many frustrating nights from programming, computer science is my passion.
Learning outside of school has been and will be the greatest experience for me.
Prompt #2
I always thought that only the last two years of high school mattered, but I was wrong. Things changed shortly after I discovered an activity that pulled my act together.
As the season progressed, I had become better than I used to be.
Neva made some important corrections, and I would even modify one further (prompt 2):
As the season progressed, I found that I had become better than I used to be.
Now, as for the intro, it seems that many students like to start the essay like a story... but you also have the option of starting it with a sentence that captures the fundamental truth of the piece. What is this essay really trying to say, you ask yourself. Do you know that many good writers write the intro paragraph last? It's true!
And if, in your intro, you can respond directly to the prompt: (i.e. "One accomplishment that makes me proud is...")
Good luck!
