'Computers have always been a key part of my life' CMU SUPPLEMENT

Not finished yet but i was hoping if i could get some feedback so far

Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.

Computers have always been a key part of my life. As kid my dad often forced me to perform "operations" on my faithful companion Dell Dimension e310 or Dem-e for short. Being in the computer field himself, he knew the importance of not only utilizing the many devices many us take for granted but also the abundant number of perks they can provide if one knew how to control them. Although I knew of these benefits, the excursions into the insides of Dem-e often proved to be revolutionary. I would often return from the electron riddles floor of the computer, dust covered and full of excitement, the rush of removing and replacing parts, building and remodeling all seemed to overtake me, so much so that I would often lose hours lost in the maze of wires and circuits. Soon everything about the insides of Del-e became common knowledge; everything from the maximum voltage to the type of hard disk was imbedded in my brain never to be forgotten. After mastering the functions of every piece of hardware inside Dem-e, I finally thought it time to explore its thoughts and mind. When I moved to the software and visual interface, I found a whole new world that had previously evaded me by mare clicks. The device which I initially thought of as a tool to IM my friends, turned into a tool which could be manipulated for countless different situations. As the world begins to expand and grow more and more uses for computers will be found. The thought of contributing to the rapidly growing, immensely intriguing world of computers is what pushes me to study computer engineering and master what it has to offer.

Carnegie Mellon in my mind is surly the best choice I could possibly have in order to peruse a career in computer engineering. The Electrical and Computer Engineering Program in the Carnegie Institute of Technology seems to be a great fit for me. Despite its well known reverence among its college rivals for academic excellence, its extensive list of extracurricular activities and its wonderful campus, the part of the CIT that I personally look forward experiencing the most is its vast array of enriching science, mathematics and humanities courses taught by teacher who are experts in their respected fields. Along with the amazing opportunities CIT offers within the confines of the classrooms it also offers many opportunities for development outside of class in the form of plentiful research opportunities. With the overwhelming statistic of ever 80% of undergraduate students participate in research opportunities and the support that is given for those who which to conduct projects of their own CIT presents a real opportunity for an undergraduate student to obtain invaluable experience in the field of their choice before they graduate. Lastly, CIT's ability to create a well rounded student will provide me with the ability to not only allow me to thrive in to Computer Engineering world but also allow me to seamlessly cooperate and convey my message with those in different fields.

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As a kid my dad often forced me to perform "operations"...
Being in the computer field himself, my father knew the importance of not only utilizing the many devices many of us take for granted but also the abundant number of perks they can provide if one knows how to operate them.

I would often return from the electron riddles floor of the computer, dust covered and full of excitement, the rush of removing and replacing parts, building and remodeling all seemed to overtake me, so much so that I would often lose hours lost in the maze of wires and circuits.<---Try revising this. It's too long of a sentence. Break it up into smaller sentences because it bores the reader when having to go on and on in just one sentence to get to the point.

Soon, everything about the insides of Del-e became common...
...e mbedded in my brain, never to be forgotten.
...previously evaded me by mere clicks.
As the world begins to expand and growevolve, more and more uses for computers will be found.

So sorry posted the wrong draft of the essay--- this is my current work so far, again thanks for the help

Computers have always been a key part of my life. As kid my dad and I would often perform "operations" on my faithful companion Dell Dimension e310 or Dem-e for short. Being in the computer field himself, he knew the importance of not only utilizing the many devices many we take for granted but also the abundant number of perks they can provide if one knew how to successfully control them. I would often return from the electron riddled ground of the computer, dust covered and full of excitement. The rush of new knowledge and exciting discoveries always seemed to steal me away from reality, so much so that I would often lose hours in the maze of wires and circuits. Following countless fruitful excursions into the depths of Dem-e, I soon came to the point where my trips could no longer satisfy my hunger for knowledge, I needed to know more. After exhausting all of the possible learning opportunities in the hardware of my inanimate yet very effective guide, I finally decided to survey the more revered of the two halves, the software. Once I began to study the software and visual interface side of Dem-e, I quickly became conscious of the wondrous world which had previously evaded me by mare clicks of a mouse. The device which I initially thought of as a tool to IM my friends, turned into a tool which could be manipulated for countless different situations. As the world began to develop and grow around me, more and more uses for computers have been found. The thought of contributing to the rapidly growing, immensely intriguing world of computers is what pushes me to study computer engineering and master what they have to offer.

Carnegie Mellon in my mind is surly the best choice I could have in order to pursue a career in computer engineering. The Electrical and Computer Engineering Program in the Carnegie Institute of Technology seems to be a great fit for me. Despite its well known reverence among its collegiate rivals for academic excellence, its extensive list of extracurricular activities and its wonderful campus, the part of the CIT that I look forward experiencing the most is its vast array of enriching science, mathematics and humanities courses taught by teacher who are experts in their respected fields. Along with the amazing opportunities CIT offers within the confines of the classrooms it also offers many opportunities for development outside of class in the form of plentiful research opportunities. With the overwhelming statistic of ever 80% of undergraduates participate in research opportunities and the support that is given for those who which to conduct projects of their own CIT presents a real opportunity for an undergraduate to obtain invaluable experience in the field of their choice before they graduate. Lastly, CIT's ability to create a well rounded student will provide me with the ability to not only allow me to thrive in to Computer Engineering world but also allow me to seamlessly cooperate and convey my message with those in different fields.