I'm conflicted when it comes to my hopes of you; Stanford " future roommate"

Prompt: Write a letter to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - get to know you better (250 words)

So I'm having issues capturing me in this essay - I have two drafts of it below

To my future roommate,
We don't know each other yet, but one thing is certain, you must be pretty cool and smart because you got into Stanford. Since we'll be sharing a room, let's get acquainted by listing a few things you should know about me:

- I love math and science, especially anything to do with robots.
- I love languages. I want to be the guy who can switch between five different languages mid-sentence and be understood in each.
- I don't take my commitments lightly. If I say I'm going to do something, it will get done.
- I have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor - I once joked about how fun the FUNdamental theorem of calculus is.
- I enjoy being active. I've done martial arts since age four and plan to continue while at Stanford but I'm also interested in trying new things like fencing or Ultimate Frisbee.

- I tend to live in my head. I can be content sitting, contemplating, and staring off into the distance, even if the distance is only a wall five feet in front of me.

- Although I rarely say it, my friends are important to me.
- I am quick to help others. If you are ever up late with homework, I'll do my best to help out - even if I'm swamped with my own work and know barely anything about the topic.

I look forward to meeting you in person!
Jesse

To my future roommate,
I'm conflicted when it comes to my hopes of you. Part of me wants you to be a fellow engineering major and the
other doesn't. Most of my friends share the dream of becoming an engineer which means they have intellectual interests
similar to my own - a love of math and science among others. If you too are a future engineer, then we could help each

other with homework as needed, discuss the latest class topics, laugh at my dry, punny math jokes like how fun the
FUNdamental theorem of calculus is, maybe even collaborate on research and I can guarantee that if you aren't already a
FIRST Robotics Competition (FRC) acolyte, I will convert you and we'll mentor a team together. On the other hand,
conversations with my non-engineering friends are always intriguing. I have one friend for example, whose knowledge of
philosophy and economics honestly makes me feel stupid. Even though this is an abnormal feeling for me, I recognize it as
an opportunity to challenge my mind and to learn. Regardless of your major however, there are a few things you should know
about me. I'm a perfectionist, but would never pretend to be very well organized - as long as you don't just throw things

on the floor, we'll get along fine.
I look forward to getting to know you over this next year. See you on "The Farm!"
Jesse

I feel like the second one is too formal, but I also worry that the first one doesn't flow well enough. If the second draft works better, then I need to cut down on words because there are a few points from the first that I'd like to include ("Living in my head" for one) but that I don't currently have room for. Any suggestions are welcome!

Stop with these overly academic essays! Enough Enough Enough! They can already see your grades, they can see your Test Scores, they can see your teacher evaluations. They do not need you to talk again about academics. Use this essay to show your "softer side." After-all, you will be living with this person for a good chunk of your day. Focus more on your non-academic interests. What do you like to do. What could you guys do together besides homework? Try to think outside the box to make this essay really stand out. -Admissions Advice Online

Not to belabor the point, but I just wanted to add here---10/10 admissions officers will accept the student who presents themselves as a well rounded/balanced individual. Students who only talk about academics come off of ridged, and hyper competitive. We know from the past experience that the students who are most likely to take full advantage of the resources at these top schools are those that not only excel academically, but those that have various personal interest as well. Too often I see students who think they need to stress over and over again how great they are academically. This is just not the best way to present yourself.

Hope this helps.

^ I AGREE WITH THE PREVIOUS COMMENT!
Talk about your interests not all this academic talk!
xoxo

OK, so I think I may have found a better way to write this - sorry about the previous versions, I know they weren't what they should have been but I was at a bit of a loss ... here is what I have now.

To my future roommate,
We'll be spending a lot of time together over the next year, and I'm sure we'll get to know one another pretty well in that period, but let me get things started by introducing myself. My name is Jesse. I come from an area with cold winters so I'm going take every opportunity to enjoy the beautiful California weather; fountain-hopping, jogging, Ultimate Frisbee, you name it. I am going to be an engineer so expect the walls on my side of the room to be covered in whiteboards - calculus is so much more fun on whiteboards - and with the Product Realization Lab easily accessible, don't be surprised if parts I've designed in my spare time show up in our room on occasion. I plan to find a local FIRST Robotics team to mentor so there will probably be a six-week period when I will come in late at night and simply drop on my bed unconscious. Trust me though, it's all for fun. At times, you may hear me switch from English to Spanish while speaking - you aren't going crazy, I just do that sometimes because of my fascination with languages and as I learn more, expect them to become incorporated into our conversations. I don't particularly enjoy reading textbooks but I try to have fun with it on occasion, so if I ever point out a grammatical error in a book, please humor me and laugh. There are plenty of other things I could say about myself, but we have lots of time for that later. I look forward to meeting you soon, see you on The Farm!

Aw, this letter is adorable! It actually captures your personality! :)
Sorry, I'm not the best at correcting essays but I thought this new version is going in the right direction!
GOOD JOB AND BEST OF LUCK!!! xoxo

thanks!

great essay

Glad to know that I'm headed in the right direction with the latest revision! Does anyone have any thoughts on how I can cut down on words? I am about 20 or so over the 250 word limit.

After getting some advice from friends, I made a few stylistic changes to try to make it a little more engaging. This is now exactly at the 250 word limit whereas the other was over. Any suggestions to make it flow better would be helpful, although I want to maintain some of the sporadic nature. Also, if you can help me cut down on words, there are a few things I'd like to include if I had more space available.

To my future roommate,
My name is Jesse. I come from an area with cold winters so I will take every opportunity to enjoy the beautiful Californian weather; fountain-hopping, jogging, ultimate frisbee, you name it. Expect the walls on my side of the room to be covered in white boards - calculus is so much more fun with white boards. Also, don't be surprised if robot parts show up in our room on occasion. I want to be an engineer and with the Product Realization Lab easily accessible, the designs I create in my spare time will have a habit of coming to life. There may be a period of time when I come in late and drop on my bed unconscious. If that happens, you'll know that I found a FIRST Robotics team to mentor - trust me, it's a lot more fun than it sounds. At times, you may hear me switch from English to Spanish while speaking - you aren't going crazy, I just do that sometimes because of my fascination with languages and as I learn more, expect them to become incorporated into our conversations. I don't like reading textbooks but I try to have fun with it on occasion, so if I ever point out a grammatical error in a book, please humor me and laugh. There are plenty of other things I could say about myself, but we have lots of time for that later. I look forward to meeting you soon, see you on The Farm!

Read what you wrote. I mean seriously. Take some time to read what you wrote. If someone else wrote this, would you want to be their roommate? Do you come off as fun, jovial, adventurous, smart, young, hip, cool, responsible or any of the characteristics that most people look for in a roommate? You are writing what you think they want to see. In this essay they want to see who you truly are. Writing a dull essay like this will not win you any admissions points. Trust me. - Admissions Advice Online

Thanks for the advice. Honestly though, that is me - I'm obsessed with robotics, so much so that I spend a lot of my free time designing robots on my computers, I mentor other teams, and I do think calculus is fun. I love languages and I do occasionally switch languages on my friends even if they don't know the language I'm speaking in, and I do have the kind of dry sense of humor that makes jokes about grammar errors. What would you suggest changing so that it doesn't come off like I'm trying to sound like what they want to hear because after showing this to a few of my friends, they said it sounded like me ...

I personally think that the letter is good. You are expressing your interests and what your roommate has to expect from you! Have fun at College

Hello,

At the end of the day it is your essay and you are free to submit whatever you want. I am telling you that writing this is not a good idea. You are applying to Stanford. How many other applicants do you think are into robotics....at least 5,000...the same can be said about calc and languages. While these are unique to you, they are just not unique when compared against the greater applicant pool. I can safely say this as someone who literally reads thousands of admissions essays each year. This essay is really for the adcom to learn something new about you. Something that is not conveyed elsewhere in the application. Talking about academically related activities is not what this essay should focus on. Yes, you can talk about them in just one sentence, but the meat of this essay should be about you, what are your quirks, what are your motivations, what do you like to do for fun, to relax, when you are upset???? This is what you need to talk about in this essay. - Admissions Advice Online