Please give us a brief explanation of why you are considering Rhodes.
Please tell me if I hit the question well and point out the mistakes if there's any. Thanks!
Applying for Rhodes College is not a sudden impulse but an eager choice after careful consideration. Rhodes seems to believe that something is a life-long pursuit: learning, friendships, experience in leadership and service... I think it is Rhodes College's emphasis on "life-long" that I will be a good fit.
First, believing that learning is a life-long course with unpredictable and unexpected difficulties, I never give up unless I achieve my goals of study, work and life. In my second year of high school, I spent so much time on presiding at piano in the school thirteen-piano-ensemble rehearsal that I left my study behind and my grades fell. After the successful ensemble performance, I couldn't catch up with my classmates as fast as I had expected. But I was not frustrated; instead, I was thrilled. The harder the problems are, the more excited I want to figure them out. I visited my teachers and asked them to arrange tests as soon as possible and as many as possible; I stayed up every day to study. Finally, after several months of striving, I became one of the top 5 students in the final examinations. I wish my life in college is filled with not just passion, but also stamina, diligence and perseverance. And Rhodes will be the best choice.
Second, the life-long course may be tedious for it might be unexpectedly extremely long; but I can make it interesting and give it value at every moment from everything with my creative ideas. Here's a way I care about other people in my daily life: The thing that I'm wearing on my left wrist is not a watch but a mirror; it's quite small but enough for me to see everything behind me; so that when I'm pushing a door to enter a store or restaurant, I could see if there's anyone behind me--- maybe a hobbling old lady or a young mother holding her baby, and I shall hold the door for them. I've been doing this for 7 years ever since someone entered a store without holding the door and the door hit my nose as I was behind him. I've gain lots of thanks, but that's not what I'm doing this for. I do this because it makes me happy every time I serve people. And I wish I could do the same thing in Rhodes College; I wish I could come up with other miracles in Rhodes College's every life-long course.
I love Rhodes College. And I will dedicate myself to it fully and entirely if I were lucky enough to be matriculated.
Given your advice, I've change my first and last paragraph into this:
first:
Life-long pursuits of learning, friendships, experience in leadership and service... wait a minute, am I reading the introduction of Rhodes College? No, I'm reading my own history. The word "life-long" that Rhodes puts an emphasis on is exactly the word that crosses my life.
last:
I wish I could open an umbrella, hold a door, and give a hand to somebody with stuffs full of his/her arm in Rhodes; I wish I could encourage and urge my group members to strive in every life-long research at Rhodes. I wish my existence could bring more unexpectedly amazing episodes in Rhodes College's life.
Does it look better?
Life-long pursuits of learning, friendships, experience in leadership and service... wait a minute, am I reading the introduction of Rhodes College? No, I'm reading my own history. The word "life-long" emphasized in the introduction has the ring of truth.
I wish I could open an umbrella, hold a door, and give a somebody a hand to somebody with stuffs full of his/her arm in as a Rhodes student; I wish I could encourage and urge my group members to exceed standards in Rhodes academics . I wish my existence could bring more unexpected and amazing episodes in Rhodes College's life.
A few more grammatical fixes:
"The harder the problems are, the more excited I am to figure them out"
"I became one of the top five students in the final examinations."
"I've received a lot of thanks"
