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"I have always contributed something" - Rutgers admission essay



TheseGuns 1 / 3  
Nov 14, 2009   #1
Hi I am looking to apply to Rutgers New Brunswick and i need someone to read and state their opinion on it.

Here is what it is about:
Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

Here is what I have so far:

Throughout my life, I have always contributed something to everything I did. Whether it was school, family, or my own business, it did not matter to me as long as I as I was able to help. Now that I am getting closer towards concluding high school, I think about all the skills that I will apply to make my college experience the best that can be. In order to achieve this I will contribute my personal life experiences and my cultural background. In Return, I hope to gain the benefits of being introduced to life on the real world as well as receiving social knowledge from this multicultural community. The fact that I grew up in another country will enable me to relate to many of the students who currently attend Rutgers and most likely allow them to relate me. I did not become who I am today from one day to another. It took a lot of determination and many months of distress and misunderstanding.

Born and raised in Ecuador, I was never the smartest guy when I lived in my country. I always struggled with class and at often times was too distracted to concentrate in the teacher. My parents tried everything from counseling to therapy and sometimes punishing me for not trying hard enough in school, yet all of these things failed. I could not blame them because my father, having been a college drop out, did not want me to follow his same footsteps. I was literally going downhill and nothing seemed to pull me back up.

It was only when we moved to the United States, at the age of eight that things changed. Having arrived from a third world country into this developed nation, I realized how different everything was. The language, the food, the people, and the ideas shared in this new country were much more unique than those of my country. That simple fact that I could not understand anything or anyone was what forced me to concentrate in school and eventually improve in it as well. Soon I found myself achieving decent grades such as B's and C's and becoming more involved in class with my teachers and my peers. I improved year after year after year. It was my contribution of my intelligence that helped me succeed. My family was proud of me and I was proud of myself. Yet, my greatest challenge was moving from Orlando, Florida into Maple Shade, New Jersey.

In Florida, I saw myself as a city boy. I enjoyed everything about the city life. To me this was paradise and I was not ready to give it up. Although, my parents thought it would be better to move into the suburbs, I preferred life in Orlando, but in the end I moved to New Jersey. Life in Maple Shade, New Jersey was much more different, not only because I was now living in a small town, but rather due to the people. Back in Florida, I enjoyed the diverse life. The fact that I was part of that diversity made me more proud not only of my Latino culture, but that I was contributing by getting great grades in school, getting along with my family, and never forgetting my true roots. In New Jersey The community was very different, uncommon to me. The worst of it all was trying to fit in. I was so different from them all and I felt lonely. At Maple Shade High School, there was very little diversity and I felt that I had to struggle to fit in. Yet, as the years passed, I gained many friends. They taught me very valuable lessons that I will not forget such as putting myself out into the world and realizing that there is more to life than just school. They helped me when I needed some support and today I think of them as true friends.

In 2007, the economic recession began and many of the students at my school found it difficult to get a job. I myself was finally ready to get a job and was stricken by the fact that no one would hire me due to the economic decline. I was confused and knew that I needed to get a job somehow. Yet, one day as I was going to school, I overheard something in the radio were a man said, "The only way to succeed in life is to be your own boss". I took this idea very seriously and just like that I become conscious of what I had to do. My business began when my brother had just bought an ipod of a friend and whenever he plugged his headphones in there was a scratchy sound coming from the headphones. When I looked this problem up on the internet, it dealt with having to replace a component from the ipod. I bought a replacement from the internet and when it arrived I was able to fix my brother's ipod with no struggle at all. To me this new skill of repairing hardware was very interesting and I got into it. In school I offered people to fix their ipods for a small cost. So many people were interested that I even had a teacher ask me to fix one of his ipods. Just like that I was up and running, posting advertisements on craigslist I gained many customers. Soon I was fixing ipods, iphones, and selling various accessories for apple products during those hard times of the economic recession.

Today, I value my business as my greatest achievement because I not only learned to be my own boss, but I also learned to put myself out into the world. At only the age of sixteen I was in the competitive corporate world and rising higher. As I sit here writing this paper which holds my opportunity of a great college education, I remember everything I have done to get were I am because I have not lived that common American life that teens live. No, I have lived my own life and I have been myself in this country were the only way to succeed is to grasp every opportunity you can while not forgetting where you come from and who you are.

The motto of my country is "God, homeland and liberty. These three words are what allow me to remember where I am from. For it is god who guides us, our homeland which we must not forget, and the liberty that we worked so hard to gain. Those are the standards in which my culture goes by and it is my culture what I value as one of my greatest contributions to anyone. Not only because I am sharing ideas with other people, but mostly due to the little things that my culture has to offer. Little things such as being kind too a friend, not wasting food, always respecting your neighbor, saving every hard earned dollar, being involved with your community, and always being very close to your family. I truly believe that those are the most important things that my culture has to offer because Ecuadorians truly value all they do throughout their lives.

Some may think that Latinos and Hispanics are not close to their families, but the truth is that we are always close to our family. Everything about us relates to being close to family and friends. Our food, our music, our entertainment, our celebrations all deal with being close together. I could hardly recall a moment I have not shared with my family or a moment were I was all alone because we never leave anyone alone. We are always there when they need us most. Even though I know I will be leaving for college next year, I will always remember to visit my family every weekend, come enjoy a good time with my friends, or even give them a call to ask how they are doing or to let them know how I am doing. It is these same things that I hope to bring to Rutgers. That simple fact that we always be close together because a community is not made up of only one person. Just like my when my father told me that in the real world we must succeed together in order to become better than we are.

While staying at Rutgers, I hope to gain one of the most important things anyone can get. I hope to gain an introduction of what life in the real world is like. To understand to not only how to be the most successful I can be, but also how to face life as a mature grown adult. An adult who does not need mom or dad to show them everything, someone who does not need to be helped out with everything problem, someone who is responsible and knows what they are doing. That is what I want to learn. Just like my parents learned, and their parents learned, and the generations before them as well.

As far as having great social relations, I am a bit on the weak side. I often find it very hard to have a conversation with people because sometimes I can be shy. It is this problem which I hope to overcome in college. Overcome by getting to know more people in college, getting to meet everyone in my dorm, getting to meet my roommate, the people I will sit with in college, whoever I can. And, I hope they do the same. I want them to get to know me, to get to know where I come, to get to know how hard I have worked to get here. Yet, the most important thing I want them to realize is that we are very common. Common because of all the hard work we did to become who we are today. And, all the hard work we will continue doing to become better people.

NEEDHELP99 3 / 11  
Nov 15, 2009   #2
I think you should try to answer the question of "How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment?" I know this is not finished so just try to incorporate it into the essay. Make sure it is not only about your self but also about Rutgers, too. :)

So Far its a GREAT essay. (I am in the process of writing the same essay, and your's seems to flow better than mine...)

GOOD LUCK ON YOUR COLLEGE APPS!!!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 15, 2009   #4
Straightforward sentences are refreshing:

Now that I am getting closer to the conclusion of my high school year s, I think about all the he things that have occurred to me during my life and how I have gained so many skills that I will definitely apply to make my college experience the best that can be.

Right after that sentence, write another sentence or two that will tell the main idea of the essay. Then, end the first paragraph. Let that 1st para end with a statement that lets the reader know what you are all about -- and what the essay is all about.

Start paragraph 2 with:
Born and raised in Ecuador, I was...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 16, 2009   #5
The fact that I grew up in another country will enable me to relate to many of the students who currently attend Rutgers and most likely allow them to relate me.

Okay, so this is supposed to be the important sentence... like, the main idea of the essay... because it appears at the end of that first paragraph. but actually, the essay is about a PROCESS that you went through, isn't that right? So, i think you should add one more sentence to the end of that first para.. a sentence that refers to your difficulties in moving to a new place and about learning that you always have some creative way to contribute.

Make it so that every paragraph sort of refers back, somehow, to the idea expressed in the last sentence of the first paragraph.
OP TheseGuns 1 / 3  
Nov 16, 2009   #6
How about now:

READ ABOVE
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Nov 18, 2009   #7
Is this under the 3800 characters they allow? It seems long.

I love every paragraph. You write well, think deep, and... it just really does a good job of making the reader know you and like you. But make sure it is not too long! Shorter is always better if you shorten by saying it all in fewer words. Try revising for conciseness and rhythm.

Really, though, it is looking good.
OP TheseGuns 1 / 3  
Dec 2, 2010   #8
Hello,
It is a bit hard to believe that a year ago, I was in the process of writing that very essay. I remember sitting at home, pondering over how to answer such a tought provoking question. Now, only a year later, I am posting this response not only as a confirmation of what has become of my life, but also as a way of showing my gratitude to those who helped me in this website. I will begin by clarifying that the essay I had written above was, in fact, too long for the 3800 character accepted answer. In all real terms, I had not known that the essay was required to only run to 3800 characters, but rather misguided it to be 3800 words. Anyone reading this can easily realize that in the end, the awe striking essay had to be diminished in length. As for my life, I am now a Rutgers alumni, working hard towards achieving my goal of graduating with a degree in Computer Science. Life in this institution has greatly changed my skills in the field of writing. I remember how in high school, I would frequently protest over the Ds I would receive in my English papers. Today, my papers hold an average of a B+. Now, I am sure some of you are pondering as to why I am writing about my papers from high school. The answer is that I am trying to describe how vastly college has changed me. And now, as to not go overboard on this response, I am going to conclude by thanking all of those who helped me in this website. I know now that I would not have attained a seat in Rutgers without your help. Go Scarlet Knights!!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Dec 16, 2010   #9
Anyone reading this can easily realize that in the end, the awe striking essay had to be diminished in length.

Ha ha, yes it is awe striking!

Well, I am glad the experience is a positive one so far! Thanks for coming back and participating in EssayForum. Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/.


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