UF Essay-Contributing to the campus-unemployment issues

I need help! I'm not sure how to even go about with the essay.
Here is the prompt:

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

"You can do this", she thought to herself. Nervously, she ran a pep talk in her head as she approached the oncoming traffic of students. "Just go out there and don't stop till you help at least one person. One person is a world of difference because unemployment is a big issue." The girl took a deep breath and stepped forward.

"SGA sponsored career development showcase! We've got all kinds of opportunities lined up here!" She shouted out to the crowd walking by, passing out flyers as she spoke. "Hey, hey you! What's your name?" The girl she was speaking to stopped suddenly and turned around, slightly annoyed by the approaching stranger.

"I'm Cici" the girl replied. Excited that she wasn't ignored, the girl with the flyers took her chance and stepped forward. "Well Cici, I'm Michelle. I'm the SGA President here on this campus and I have helped to organize this showcase!"

"What is all this for?" Cici inquired.

"Well, each table is an opportunity. You can get your resume fixed right on the spot, sign up for career and academic advising, and sit down for job interviews at the end!"

Cici's attention was caught. The look of surprise on her face was undeniable, "You're saying they're going to hire someone here? I have been looking for a job for months. I just do not know how to get one."

"I know, finding work is a serious obstacle people are facing and I would really like to help. Instead of sending you off on your own, I will help you write your resume and learn job etiquette. It won't take long to do." Cici looked hesitant but Michelle wasn't going to give up, "I promise you can do this. There's nothing to worry about, this was put together for you to take advantage of."

Cici did as Michelle said and they went down the line of "opportunities". Finally it came time for Cici to meet with a manager. Twenty minutes later, Cici shot up from her interview, beaming as she approached Michelle.

Cici was a girl on my campus who later thanked me for leading her down a path she would not have explored without my encouragement. It was truly a humbling experience to know I was able to step up to the role of being a leader for another student as they took on the challenge of succeeding not only in their education, but in the workforce as well.

Having witnessed the success of my career showcase giving not one, but two people a job that day, the experience has rendered me the confidence I need to turn my tangible ideas into actualities. While it may be a small feat in comparison to eliminating nation-wide unemployment rates, it is also a start. I can only imagine the hope for success it can bring on a larger scale-like that of a UF campus.

That being said, I know exactly what I would do upon entering the Gator Nation. I would get involved full-heartedly on campus, bringing my motivation, desire, and ideas to the Swamp that have potential to truly make difference.

Hi :) You have done a good job with your essay. I think I can make a few suggestions for you.

"You can do this", she thought to herself. Nervously, she ran a pep talk in her head as she approached the oncoming traffic of students. "Just go out there and don't stop till you help at least one person. One person is a world of difference because unemployment is a big issue." The girl took a deep breath and stepped forward.

I think you should tell this beginning part in first person, as it becomes confusing when transitioning to the next paragraph. Maybe you should make this intro a bit longer by adding a few more details, create a setting that the reader can imagine.

So, instead you should do it like this to make it sound better: "I shouted out to the crowd walking by, passing out flyers as I spoke. "Hey, hey you! What's your name?" The girl I spoke to stopped suddenly and turned around, slightly annoyed by the approaching stranger."

And, "Cici looked hesitant but I wasn't going to give up,"

"I promise you can do this. There's nothing to worry about, this was put together for you to take advantage of."
Don't end a sentence with "of"

Cici was a girl on my campus who later thanked me for leading her down a path she would not have explored without my encouragement.

You did a great job by helping! Can you clarify this statement a little bit? This is a major point in your paper.

It was truly a humbling experience to know I was able to step up to the role of being a leader for another student as they took on the challenge of succeeding not only in their education, but in the workforce as well.

This sentence is too long, can you split these ideas up into 2 sentences?

Here, I've redone it a bit (the green parts). Thank you for you help! Is this any better?

"I can do this", I thought to myself. Nervously, I ran a pep talk in my head as I approached the oncoming traffic of students. "Just go out there and don't stop till you help at least one person. One person is a world of difference because unemployment is a big issue. " I took a deep breath and stepped forward.

"SGA sponsored career development showcase! We've got all kinds of opportunities lined up here!" I shouted out to the crowd walking by, passing out flyers as I chanted. "Hey, hey you! What's your name?" The girl I was speaking to stopped suddenly and turned around, slightly annoyed by the approaching stranger.

"I'm Cici" the girl replied. I filled with adrenaline knowing that I wasn't completely ignored. I gripped tightly to my flyers, took a chance, and stepped forward . "Well Cici, I am Michelle. I am the SGA President here on this campus and I have helped to organize this showcase!"

"What is all this for?" Cici inquired.

"Well, each table is an opportunity, set up in steps. You can get your resume fixed right on the spot, sign up for career and academic advising, and sit down for job interviews at the end!"

Cici's attention was caught. The look of surprise on her face was undeniable, "You're saying they're going to hire someone here? I have been looking for a job for months."

"I know, finding work is a serious obstacle people are facing and I would really like to help. Instead of sending you off on your own, I will walk down our row of tables." Cici looked hesitant but I was not about to give up, "I promise you can do this. There's nothing to worry about, this was put together for you to succeed."

Cici did as I said and we went through the steps of job etiquette. Finally it came time for her to meet with a manager. Twenty minutes later, she shot up from her interview, beaming as she approached me. She thanked me and explained had it not been for the showcase and my guidance, she would not have received a job and would have had been struggling with her finances at the end of the month. It was gratifying to know that simply by illuminating the steps she needed to take, she could succeed.

Having witnessed the success of my career showcase giving multiple people employment, I was rendered the confidence I needed to turn my tangible ideas into actualities. While it may be a small feat in comparison to eliminating nation-wide unemployment rates, it is also a start. I have so many ranged ideas that have already benefited the student body at my small community college. I can only imagine the success my ideas can yield on a larger scale-like that of a UF campus.

I am eager to be part of the Gator Nation and bring my motivation, desire, and ideas to the Swamp that can truly make a difference.