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"contributing my own personal beliefs to the community" - Madison Admissions Essay



cbaker0215 1 / 3  
Oct 3, 2010   #1
Hey guys, this is the first draft of my college admissions essay to the University of Wisconsin-Madison. I'm hoping that my essay correctly answers the prompt. Suggestions and comments are greatly appreciated! P.S. the formatting is different in word so disregard that please!

Prompt: The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

Growing up, most people long to find somebody to laugh, cry, study, and make jokes with; that understands their strengths as well as their weaknesses, supports them no matter the circumstance, and accepts them for who they really are: a true friend, who will remain loyal despite obstacles and disputes. Unlike most, I was blessed with this type of friend at birth; my twin sister, Kelsey. Being a twin has provided me with many unique and valuable opportunities that have helped me grow as a person and shaped who I am today. While being a twin is something that I cherish greatly, there are also negative aspects of being a twin that have played an equally important role in developing my character.

Being asked, "Are you Kelsey or Courtney?" is a question that I became accustomed to hearing early on in life; even though I always smiled and answered the question politely, I yearned for others to know my own name and recognize my singular identity. Although others have not always been able to tell Kelsey and me apart, they have always been quick to make comparisons. Often, people have assumed that my strengths were a counterpart to Kelsey's shortcomings, and vice versa. While frustrating at times, it has taught me to distinguish myself from others by clearly presenting my individual personality, strengths, and weaknesses, as well as to never let others define who I am. Rather than folding to the pre-conceived notion that Kelsey and I shared the same characteristics, interests, and values, I spent my time searching for the components that truly make up my being. At a young age, it started out with little things such as cutting my hair, even though Kelsey's was long, and pursuing gymnastics (which turned out to be a true passion) even though she chose to participate in ballet. As the years progressed the magnitude of these differences began to increase as I continued to explore where I wanted my future to lead without abiding to anyone else's expectations.

As a student at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, I would bring with me the understanding that despite labels, stereotypes or outward appearance, each person is unique and possesses different outlooks and beliefs that are all of equal value. By interacting with those around me whether it be through social events, class discussions or community service activities, I believe that I would be able to add to the community by contributing my own personal beliefs while simultaneously learning from those around me. Having to face the comparisons that come along with being a twin and being required to search for my own identity has made me confident in the qualities that I possess and has taught me to move toward my goals with certainty and conviction, which I know will lead me to be successful in the future.

RyanVi16 12 / 91  
Oct 3, 2010   #2
Semicolon ";" is use to separate two complete sentences, so
"Growing up, most people long to find somebody to laugh, cry, study, and make jokes with; (either a comma and keep the same ) or the one that understands their strengths as well..."

or you can even move the last part of the sentence ("a true friend, who will remain loyal despite obstacles and disputes") to the front

When you use the word "this type" of friend it somehow just break the tone you were trying to create at the beginning (you can even take it out and still make sense)

I think i am being too nit pick about this but the phrase "shaped who I am today" is very cliche, I cannot think of a perfect replacement for now but i will try to get back to you.

"distinguish myself from others " or from my twin sister ?
"as well as to never let others define who I am." <-- this part does not make sense with the rest of the sentence.

"At a young age, it started out with little things such as cutting my hair, even though Kelsey's was long, and pursuing gymnastics (which turned out to be a true passion) even though she chose to participate in ballet."<-- clumsy wording.

Try At young age, it started out with little changes such as cutting my hair short , contrast from Kelsey's long hair. My true passion was gymnastic (or is if if you still pursuing it) even though my sister chose the path of ballet.

I'm not sure with this part though, someone else might do a better job than me.

Lastly, be more specific than just "add your own personal beliefs" because the college want to know how you are planning to do that and how your "beliefs" will contribute to the college.
OP cbaker0215 1 / 3  
Oct 3, 2010   #3
Thank you so much for your advice! I definitely took everything you had to say into consideration and made changes to my essay. I'm having trouble with the last part though. I agree that they want you to be more specific about how my beliefs will contribute to the college, but I don't really know what to write for that or how to word it. Do you have any examples or suggestions?
dkim1993 1 / 3  
Oct 3, 2010   #4
in response to this ^^

By looking at the context of the area you're having trouble with, it seems like your "own personal beliefs" sounds like a general way of saying you would be contributing in your values, assets, or outlooks to the University. If that is the case, then you can just change that phrase into a different phrase that would allow you to get away with being a little broad. (such as "my own personal outlooks", or "my own personal offerings", or "my own perspective")

Hopefully this helped a little bit. =/

Also, if you can, please give some feedback on the essay i posted! The title is "Extracurricular Activities: Admissions Essay for Univ. of Illinois Champaign-Urbana". It would be greatly appreciated. =)
OP cbaker0215 1 / 3  
Oct 3, 2010   #5
That's a good idea! I like the "my own personal outlooks". I'll most likely use that! & I'll edit your essay as sooon as I finish studying for my AP bio test. I've kinda put off studying in order to write my essay and now I'm not feeling very prepared haha but I really appreciate your help and I'll definitely go read your essay!


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