The prompt is:
The University of Washington seeks to create a community of students richly diverse in cultural backgrounds, experiences, and viewpoints. How would you contribute to this community?(recommended length, 250-500)
my current essay:
I am a Caucasian female with ancestors who emigrated from various European countries such as Germany, France, Scotland and Ireland when the United States was still quite young. I consider myself to be American in most aspects of culture--a culture that is a melting pot of a wealth of other countries. While I have no distinctive traditions to call my own, I have always been exposed to other cultures and their customs. For example, through a weekly event I learned about the folk dances, food, dress, and language of the Scandinavian culture.
I would contribute the experience of being an active member of a family of nine children. This experience has great influence on who I am, as much of my character development has been centered around learning responsibility and skills through cooking, cleaning, babysitting children, and sewing some of my own clothing. In addition, I would contribute the experience of having been homeschooled from kindergarten to my sophomore year of high school. This experience has taught me how to study well under my own discipline and has enabled me to be successful in Running Start. I have also had the experience of being involved in several churches and youth related events, co-founding a Bible study, volunteering in my community, and starting a club at my community college.
My viewpoint about the world I see is greatly influenced by my faith in a loving God. My faith has motivated me to care about those trapped in poverty, slavery of all kinds, and self-destructive habits. I would share this concern for others with my fellow students with the hope that they would also seek to sacrificially be compassionate about people who are not privileged with freedom, education, and an opportunity for a successful future.
(294 words)
I think that my paragraphs should be more connected, they don't seem to flow very well together but I can't think of any good transitional sentences--if anyone else has any grand ideas I'd love to hear them.
Also, I still need to come up with a memorable conclusion and perhaps a better opening sentence--if anyone has ideas for that, I would appreciate it also.
But overall, is my essay alright? or incredibly boring?
Hmm, I like the last 3 paragraphs, especially the large family/homeschool transition bit - which is indeed very unique. I don't really see how the first paragraph relates, though. At first, because you mentioned you were caucasion, I thought you were going to say something along the lines of "while being caucasion doesn't immediately bring to mind diversity..." or something (no offense meant at all). What I meant was, it's a bit misleading. I think you should cut the first paragraph and focus on the large family/homeschooling/faith. It'll be more organized if you devote one pargraph to each topic; also, you can elaborate more on each aspect this way. As for transitions...hmm. Maybe you can introduce your essay by mentioning unique home environment, since that encompasses all three?
Well, I like the way this essay looks; you make a strong case for your assertion that you learned important skills because of thew kind of education you received and the role you played as an older sister. If you want to include some mention of culture, it sems the last paragraph is the place for it, as you are talking about what influences your viewpoint.
You expressed what you would like to contribute very nicely, but it could still be better defined. You could tell about a specific plan you have to contribute; for example, if the school does not have a club that you wish it had, maybe you can tell them you plan to start one. That might maximize the impressiveness.
:-)
