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Diverse community/Financial benefits; BARNARD Supp; Influence by community/ HEOP Scol


komalshaheen19 6 / 11 1  
Dec 27, 2012   #1
D. Community - educational, geographic, religious, political, ethnic, or other - can define an individual's experience and influence her journey. How has your community, as you identify it, shaped your perspective?

As I walk from my house to the train station, I smell the biryani from Shama Restaurant, the tacos from the taco cart at the corner of the street, and the fresh bread from the newly opened Russian bakery. I reside in the diverse community of Brighton Beach where despite the fact, being from different countries; people know each other and greet each other daily. I volunteered at the Islamic Center of Brighton Beach and the doctor's office. These two experiences have made me learn even more about my community. I have adapted distinct forms of essentials from different nations in my community; from saying "Hola" to a Mexican neighbor or "Asalamu Alaikum" to a Muslim sister. The diverse form of my community has made me become an open thinker and enjoy life even more when I'm around these people of distinct nations. I learned that even though we are from different countries, we belong to the same community and identify it as one.

E. Applicants for the HEOP Scholars Program: Why are you interested in the Arthur O. Eve Higher Education Opportunity Program? What do you hope to achieve by participating in this program? (HEOP Scholars must be New York State residents and meet specific academic and financial eligibility guidelines. Please see the Barnard College HEOP website at barnard.edu/admissions/apply/higher-ed-opportunity-programs to see if you qualify and to learn more about program support services.)

HEOP Scholars Program is what will help achieve my goals easily and efficiently. Through this program, I will be able to find easier steps that I need to take to accomplish my dreams. My father has three other children who will be going to college, not only me. I wouldn't want him to pay a lot just for one child. HEOP Program will provide me with financial benefits and also ease my father's burden. Through the HEOP Program, I am looking for opportunities that will provide me with the essentials that I need to fulfill my goals. It's an innovative program that gives students a different view of education. HEOP makes college life easier for students and helps them become successful women in a very different and efficient way.
malaikaiyer 6 / 13 4  
Dec 27, 2012   #2
I reside in the diverse community of Brighton Beach where people know each other and greet each other daily despite their different nationalities ; people know each other and greet each other daily.

I volunteered at the Islamic Center of Brighton Beach and the doctor's office. (I feel like you should elaborate on the doctor's office thing or just take it out entirely. It doesn't quite gel, and I understand you're trying to showcase your volunteer work but I would mention it somewhere else. That's just my suggestion but if you feel it works, by all means, go for it.)

This is a really strong sentence, just tweak it a little bit so it sounds less rigid and cliche:
I'm now able to conform to a community so deviant from my own nationality; whether it be saying "Hola" to a Mexican neighbor or "Asalamu Alaikum" to a Muslim sister, the diversity of my community has made me become an open thinker and enjoy life even more when I'm around this array of ethnicities.

These are just my suggestions but, overall, I think you have a strong piece and it conveys a solid message. Good luck! Would you mind helping me on mine?


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