Cookie Dough Ice Cream&&Gossip Girl, Stanford roommate letter

feed back please! thank you
2. Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

What's up Roommate,

Congrats and let's get ready to make the best of our first year in college. The name is Nia, Nia McGill. As an "only" child, I am excited to have a roommate. My home is in Broadview, Illinois, a tiny suburban village outside of Chicago. I live with both parents and my older brother is married with four children.

As I unpack my bags, you will soon learn of my love for food. For a skinny person, I eat a lot! The microfridge will always be stocked with chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, Oreos, speculoos, Nutella and occasionally fried chicken. And now rejoice: your roommate can cook and not just a bowl of ramen noodles or Kraft macaroni and cheese. I can fry, boil and bake almost any food.

Warning: there will be days when you walk into our room and catch me fist pumping. I pretty much listen to every genre except hard rock and smooth jazz. Another warning: I am some what of a rat. The only trouble I have at home is keeping my room clean. Five times a year, my room has no clothes in a pile, papers on the dresser, shoes under the bed. But do not fret; I will try my best to keep my side of the dorm emmaculate.

Somewhere between doing homework and volleyball, I find time to watch Gossip Girl, Jeopardy, America's Next Top Model. Play board games, laugh at comedies and read the newspaper are some other interests. I have to be totally honest with you: I have an obsession with clothing and developing new fashion styles. People always compliment my outfits and think I pay extreme prices for fashionable, quality clothing. What they do not know is my secret weapon: shopping in thrift and consignment shops. So roomie, if you ever need advice on clothes or help cooking a cake, I'm on the other side!

Sincerely,
Nia

I love this. You are not overbearing to your roommate, and you do not hide your flaws when you tell her what type of person she will be rooming with over the next year. Still, I feel like the details about your family are a bit unnecessary. You are not on match.com, so I would reconsider adding info about your family and try to focus a bit more on yourself. Try to talk about what you like? Perhaps you can talk about what you would be doing academically in your free time at Stanford, such as what your favorite thing to do intellectually is. For instance, do you enjoy reading political books? Try to expand on intellectual passions and a bit less on family. Overall, however, I think this is splendid. (P.S. I'm a skinny guy and I eat a lot too! haha)

-Comment on my essay? I'd appreciate it =)

thanks. I felt like I should add more about my family.

Remember its about you Nia, so whereas you can have inserts about your family, the college and your roommate ultimately wants to know about who YOU are.

what about my answer to this one?
3. What matters to you, and why?
What matters to me are values. A person's values determine their path in life and develop a sense of what is important and beneficial for society. I learned about values at home, church and school. A value I practice is Nia which mean purpose and is my name. I recognized early that for anything a person does, they should have a reason. Knowing my purpose aligns decisions and actions, improves thinking and overall awarness. Having a set of values to follow is important for the uplifting of my community. The emerging drug culture threatens my generation and community. The sales of street drugs would not be rampant in my environment if a value system was adopted. Abusers have allowed illegal drugs to control their lives and therefore have not assumed responsibilty for their own actions.

So far, the values instilled by my parents have guided my life. There is a freedom associated with knowing that you cannot be persauded to do wrong. No matter my position in life, my values will stay the same: honesty, loyalty and originality.

A value I practice is "Nia" which mean purpose and is my name.
Knowing my purpose aligns decisions and actions, improves thinking and overall awareness .
Abusers have allowed illegal drugs to control their lives and therefore have not assumed responsibility for their own actions.
There is a freedom associated with knowing that you cannot be persuaded to do wrong.


Combine and change this to something like... Values are very important to me; a person's values determine their path in life and develop a sense of what is important and beneficial for society.


this sentence seems a bit odd... reword this

I think you have chosen a really good topic just fix the minor errors above.

Can you edit and critique my essay? Thanks

You don't need to include your email address or phone number, because this essay will not be going to your roommate. Only the adcoms are reading this, and they don't really need to know that stuff. But other than that I think this is a great essay!

oh i know it's not going to my roommate i just added it for fun. but it may be unneccesary