Cornell College(not University!) Supplement (IA) two short answers

Hi everyone :)
This is my "Cornell College Supplement", two answers with 250 characters limit for each.
I appreciate any comments or suggestions,,, especially grammar check!!!
THANK YOU ALWAYS !!! :) :)

1)"What influenced you to apply to Cornell, and why do you believe it might be a good college choice for you?"

Since it is great joy for me to devote myself to concentrate on learning a particular subject to understand the world more deeply, OCAAT system immediately grabbed my heart. It seemed perfect for me, and gave me confidence to make my final decision. (just 250 characters)

2)What will likely be the primary factors determining your college choice?

I chose very small colleges having high retention rate and motivated student body. I believe these factors enable me to have argument with people enthusiastically everyday, which is significant for me to learn different views and move myself higher. (just 250 characters)

Honestly, both short answers told me absolutely nothing.

1) "Because I wanna learn, OCAAT was perfect." - That's what that told me. Why did you apply to Cornell. Do you like the location? Do you like the curriculum? Do you like how there are a lot of opportunities and organizations? etc...

2) The first and second sentence don't connect in any way. How does a higher acceptance rate allow you to have arguments? What kind of college are you looking for? What interested you to even apply to Cornell. Talk about how you are looking for a good college education at a low cost, a great city to study in, etc...

I hope these comments helped and that you will get in. :)

For the first one I would advise talking more about the actual program, opposed to just saying that you love the program.

Since it is great joy for me to devote myself to concentrate on learning a particular subject to understand the world more deeply, - this entire part can be cut out.

Start with: The OCAAT system immediately grabbed my heart. - Now talk about some of the details of the system that interested you and will help you succeed on their campus instead of elsewhere.

It seemed perfect for me, and gave me confidence to make my final decision.- this sentence is cryptic and leaves the reader wondering what the OCAAT system helped you decide. Try to avoid ambiguity and give definitive answers to the prompt.

For the second one I am not sure you answered the prompt. They are asking you what factors will be the most important in you final college decision by May first, not what kind of colleges you applied to. For example, some people will make their final college decision based on the cost of tuition, others on how great or selective the college is for their major, others will decide based on sports and clubs/ organizations on campus, and other might choose based on somewhat trivial reasons such as dorm size. I would advise that you pick something that only Cornell College offers and talk about how that will be the deciding factor for you and how only Cornell College offers program x,y,z. You have to make them see that you really want to be at that school and that you will die or be highly disappointed if you do not get accepted.

Good luck with your college decisions, and I hate to say this but both of these should probably be redone.

ralph_rodgers and Anonymoussenior, thank you very much for your comments and suggestions! I really really appreciate you.

For the second prompt, I realized I misunderstood the meaning after I was told so by Anonymoussenior. Thank you for correcting that!!
I rewrite the first answer, there're two versions. Which do you think is better? or Is it still too bad? How can I make it better? Please give me any suggestions, thank you so much!!!!!

"What influenced you to apply to Cornell, and why do you believe it might be a good college choice for you?"

(ver.1)
The OCAAT system immediately grabbed my heart. I like this unique block plan because it enables me to make flexible choices and expand my interest, devote myself more deeply to concentrate on each subject I am interested in, and broaden my world. (246 characters)

(ver.2)
The OCAAT system immediately grabbed my heart. I like this unique block plan especially because it enables me to participate in various off campus study programs - which I believe is significant to broaden my world - more easily than other colleges. (249 characters)

The OCAAT system immediately grabbed my heart. With a unique block plan and flexible course options, at Cornell, I can expand my academic interest and broaden my horizons with study abroad programs. OCATT will allow me to be more active in my interested subject field (replace this with what you actually plan to do), while still pursuing my love for (say a club or program that you are interested in or currently work with that is different from your major and that you can continue when you get on campus.) - you may have to do some club research.

You are getting there you just need a bit more work and these essays should be fine.

Thank you so much, Anonymoussenior!!

This is the revision. I cut some words and it's 249 characters now.
Does this version make a sense? Are there any grammar mistakes ??

(1)"What influenced you to apply to Cornell, and why do you believe it might be a good college choice for you?"
The OCAAT system grabbed my heart. With its unique and flexible course options, I can expand my horizons and academic interest with study abroad programs. It will enable me to devote myself to education study, while still pursuing my love for music.

Thank you :) :)

ps I'll post the other one, (2) question soon!

Hey~~ （てかここ日本語打てるんやね。知らんかったわ 笑）

Okay, your essay looks much better now! Just a couple of things though.


Hmm...I think this sentence needs to separated. You're talking about how you can expand your horizons with the OCAAT system's course options, but at the end you say you can expand it with study abroad programs. I get what you're trying to say, but this sentence is kind of vague. No offense, but I think Anonymoussenior's sentence worked better.


By the way, when you say "education study" in your last sentence, do you mean "kyoikugaku", or just your academic studies at college?

You're almost there, and your work is steadily improving, so congrats! :)

thx ukkuma! (私も最近知ったってばー笑 なんかでも今まで英語だったから不思議な感じ＾＾）　

omg, you're right. That sentence (mine) is wired, I just realized to be told by you, it doesn't make a sense! thanks for telling me that^^

yeah, Anonymoussenior's sentence is great, I wish I could use that but I have limited space...
I tried that, and it's 260 characters. Maybe I should cut some other parts?

The OCAAT system grabbed my heart. With its unique and flexible course options, I can expand my academic interest and broaden my horizons with study abroad programs. It will enable me to devote myself to education study, while still pursuing my love for music. (260)

yup, it means "Education" major,,,, what do you think how I can change the word in better way??

Do you think I shouldn't write about OCAAT in answer #2 ??
I'm struggling to make #2 answer better but I really couldn't find any other special programs Cornell offers... Other than OCAAT, I just like its small size(actually small, 1200 students) beautiful campus, student-faculty ratio (11:1), and high rate of students living in dorms. But they are too general, aren't they? Hmm....

I think you just need to list the factors important to you. Did you complete the college's preliminary application (secure.cornellcollege.edu/admissions/preliminary/) There is also a question namely "What factors will be most important to your college choice?" and you only have to rank the factors in order. In the supplement you are supposed to list 2 or 3 main factors in my opinion. You can use the suggestions from the preliminary application. No need to pick something that only Cornell has. That means you will only choose Cornell, which sounds a little phony.

I thinks it's great that you are putting thought and effort into your supplement; however, I will say if I were you, I wouldn't stress myself to much with it. I was just accepted to Cornell with a scholarship offer. For the "What influenced you to apply to Cornell?" question, I simply put that I was interested in attending a small, private college with a great reputation when it comes to academics. However, for the "What primary factors will determine your college choice?" question, I really kept it short, and simply wrote the college's academic reputation, cost of attendance, and student life. I guess what I am trying to say is be very honest, but it's okay to be short and direct.

From what I've experienced, Cornell is more concerned with individuality, and what you plan to offer, or how you plan to spend your time at Cornell. I would recommend contacting the admissions counselor. I exchanged several emails with the admissions counselor, which I believed worked in my favor, because I asked questions, and through those emails I was able to mention to her directly my goals and plans at Cornell; therefore, she was able to get a sense of what type of student I am, and what I could bring to Cornell. I don't know if there's different admissions counselors for students, but the lady I had was nothing but nice and helpful throughout the whole process. That being said, of course my academic standing also played a part. Hopefully, you also did great on your essay, that is one thing I made sure I put a lot of thought and effort into.

Anyway, good luck! However, my guess is that you'll do fine, and I will be seeing you very soon on campus.

The OCAAT system immediately grabbed my heart, because I like this unique block plan especially because it enables me to participate in various off campus study programs xxxxxxxx, yyyyyyyy, and zzzzzz - which I believe can broaden my world. - more easily than other colleges. You might want to add an observation about a specific resource or professor that you especially want to work with because of your special interests WITHIN your chosen field -- your possible areas of specialization.

:-)

Thank you very much pendulum, Jerber, and EF_Susan !!!! I was happy to receive great advices!!
So this is the prompt #2, I have no idea whether it is ok or not... I wonder whether it answers well to the prompt. Any more comments and suggestions are welcome!!!!!!!!

(2) What will likely be the primary factors determining your college choice?

Small student body, high level classes, and scholarship opportunities; These factors allow me to study hard at academically enriched environment at low cost, and have discussion enthusiastically with great students and professors everyday. (248 characters)

thank you so much!! :) :)

Hey, have you submitted these yet...? Anyway, some last minute thoughts:

(1) "What influenced you to apply to Cornell, and why do you believe it might be a good college choice for you?"
OCAAT system immediately grabbed my heart. With its flexible course options including study abroad programs , I can expand my academic interest and broaden my horizons. It also allows me to pursue my love for music in Chorus Choir if I will be accepted .

Cut out the self doubt--you WILL be accepted! lol

(2) What will likely be the primary factors determining your college choice?
Small student body, high level classes, and scholarship opportunities; These factors allow me to study hard in an academically enriched environment at low cost , and have discussions enthusiastically with great students and professors everyday.

I feel you have refined your essays well enough, so you can go ahead and send them in. I quite like Jerber's advice though: don't stress too much over supplements! The supplement will only be one part; your grades, main essay, ECs etc will carry a much heavier weight. As long as you don't end up writing "...which is why I really love Cornell University (ouch)" or something, you're fine. But I admire how much thought you put into each of your essays, and I'm sure the AO will appreciate that.

Good luck, we'll almost be freed from the stress~!! :D

ukkuma, omg you saved my life again, I cannot thank you enough...!!!

yeah, I thought the same as you did, Jerber is right.
So I stopped trying to fit myself too much, I wrote why I choose Cornell directly and honestly.
I was encouraged by your advice Jerber, thanks!!! :) I really hope we can meet at the campus!

I now finished my whole application process, thanks to everyone's kind help!!!!!!

Good luck for all of us, and I'll continue to help others if there's something I can do :)
Thank you so much!!!! (^v^/"

I think you need to adopt a more convincing approach, as both of these answers are not convincing enough.

thanks imnotdreaming, I appreciate your comment but I've submitted already! sorry!!
thank you anyway ^^