Please help. As all of you probably know, Cornell's supplement is due on January 2nd. Constructive criticism is WELCOME.
Topic:
College of Agriculture and Life Sciences:
How have your interests and related experiences influenced your selection of major?
Someone carelessly throws his or her crumpled sack lunch in the general direction of the garbage can. It falls short of the edge and lifelessly bounces to the floor. It disappears unnoticed among an empty Hot Cheetos bag, a dirty napkin, and debris that had collected there. It all compiles into waste. Waste that is placed outside in bags, two or three a house, for the garbage collectors to "get rid of." Waste that is dumped into landfills where it just sits. It is neither being mysteriously vanquished into thin air nor being turned into recycled goods. And trash is not the only matter of waste out there. We waste. We waste food, we waste electricity, we waste water; we waste away our natural environment. "We" are Americans.
I am American. After learning that Americans have won the flattering title of "one of the biggest gross polluters in the world," I tried to find excuses to justify my home country's shortcomings. But the only reason behind our lack of environmentalism is-although I hate to admit it-a combination of ignorance and selfishness. We are ignorant towards the consequences of our detrimental actions, and selfishly snatch depleted resources from Mother Earth. We want a comfortable life; we are spoiled.
On discovering this appalling fact about the country that I fervently love, I knew that I could propose a solution to the problem. Not the age-old problem of global warming, of course not, but rather the problem of ignorance. What is the opposite of ignorance? Awareness. Once Americans are aware, we can never turn a blind eye saying, "I did not know." Through awareness, we can recognize our own selfishness. Yet, before I can instruct a multitude of people as to how to cease the environment's journey to destruction, I knew that knowledge on the subject was a necessity. Majoring in the Science of Natural and Environmental Systems is the perfect way for me to acquire the knowledge that will pave the way for my future.
It is obvious that this is my calling when I hear nature's cries for help reverberate around me. Apartments roar triumphantly as they shoot up like overgrown weeds on the pavement. Life languishes beneath layers of concrete as it struggles to emerge. Helpless trees silently scream as they try to shy away from the insatiable chainsaw. Streams gurgle with a thick mixture of feces and urine. But among all these sounds, my voice can be heard, spreading awareness. I want to be the catalyst that will ignite a country-wide environmental movement and, someday, in the world.
Not the age-old problem of global warming, of course not, but the problem of ignorance.
Maybe make this 2 sentences?
they can never turn a blind eye saying, "I did not know." Through awareness, they can recognize their own selfishness.
Maybe change they to we. Your American too right?
I know that knowledge on the subject was a necessity.
to be the catalyst that will ingnite the environmental movement
Just a few small suggestions...
Please return the favor and read mine! :)
Very nice essay--even though you used some illustrative literary detailing near the end, I still found your essay to be quite concise. Nice personification, by the way! You have a fairly powerful piece of writing here. If I were to give you one recommendation, besides those grammar remarks I made in the body of your essay, it would be to create literal sounds associated with each environmental element in peril. I.e. For concrete, I think you could go into how "life languishes beneath layers of concrete as it struggles to emerge."
Thank you Parker and Kara!
Your edits were very helpful.
Did you think that the transition between the third and fourth paragraph is ok? I think it may be too abrupt.
If you go ahead with giving the nature-associated imagery more "concrete" sounds, then you could introduce the fourth paragraph with something like this...
"I knew this was my calling when I heard nature's cries for help reverberate around me..." And then you might have to change the following tenses. So something like "Apartments roaring as they shoot up like overgrown weeds on the pavement."
Just an idea to try out.
By the way, I'd hate to burden you with more things to read because I know you're busy, but if you get a chance to read my Common App essay--the "Werther" one--that'd be great. I mainly need help with tweaking the thesis statement.
Someone carelessly throws theirhis or her crumpled sack lunch in the general direction of the garbage can. It falls just short of the edge and lifelessly bounces to the floor.
We waste. We waste food, we waste electricity, we waste water; we waste away our natural environment. "We" are Americans. Nice ending bit.
...I tried to find excuses that couldto justify ourselves.
I need to major in the Science of Natural and Environmental Systems. I think in this paragraph, it would be nice if you used 'we' instead of 'they', because it makes it more personal, and less like you're blaming the rest of America.
Also, your last sentence is a little too blunt for my tastes. Perhaps something like 'Majoring in the Science of Natural and Environmental Systems is the perfect way for me to acquire the knowledge necessary to _______'
