Cornell essay (School of Industrial and Labor Relations)

ANY HELP IS GREATLY APPRECIATED!!! I know I have some more work to do. I am really frustrated.

School of Industrial and Labor Relations:
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. In your essay please address how the ILR curriculum will help you fulfill these interests and your long-term goals.

During the concluding part of my 8th grade year up until my senior year I never truly realized how much of a positive impact or influence I had on my peers, family, teachers, and the community. I have always had a great enjoyment in helping others. It never dawned on me on the amount of people that I assisted throughout the years, I would be considered the "go to guy" if there was a problem of some sort. At school there would be a lot of kids who I did not personally know me but would come up to me seeking help in math, or chemistry because they were told by other peers I was very smart and that I would be able to help them. I take great pride in help others receive good grades on any assignment that they produce, because I get the right to say "I truly helped somebody."

Additionally to helping others out, I get a better idea of what the material is saying and that allows me to become more familiarized with what is happening and what is being said. It is for these reasons that I believe I have a natural gift to serve others and people gravitate to me because of my willingness to share knowledge with them. This why I have chosen the ILR program, because it will enhance my leadership skills, help me manage and work with people on a professional level, and be a productive problem solver if a conflict arises. All the time in business, conflicts between big corporations and small business happen. Adding on the experience that I already possess of being a team leader and problem solver and furthering making it better, I could contribute ideas that could one day make a positive difference to people lives in the community and worldwide. This is why I strongly feel that if I am given the opportunity to attend the Industrial and Labor Relations school I would be great candidate and one you would be proud if selected.

ILR will provide me with the in depth knowledge and preparation needed to interact better with workers and employers in the work force, get a better understanding of the functionality and dynamics of the market for labor, and knowing how to incorporate strategies and policies in relation to managing individuals. As my teacher had put it, I am a "systematic problem solver." With this type of preparation I have no doubt that ILR will successfully help me reach my long terms of upholding a leadership and managerial position on a corporate level nationally or internationally, while at the same time improving working people lives.

delete "truly", it's awkward.


change it to "kids whom I did not personally know" or "kids who did not personally know me".


wordy. something like "I can say" will do.


people's lives
a few more grammatical errors.
the essay is nice, but needs to be more interesting to stand out, considering you're applying to Cornell. And beware of "self-righteousness". Something like


and


is unlikely to win admissions officers. Show, don't tell. Perhaps you could write about one specific occasion "you truly helped somebody".
Apart from that the essay is well written.
PS. Take the opinions with a grain of salt.
This is my first comment thread, and I am applying to Cornell too, but to Arts and Sciences. I am posting my new thread this evening (a couple hours later) and please comment when I post them.

And finally, good luck with your Cornell application :-)