'I was a corpulent teenager' - UC Personal Statement #1 - Describe your World

Any suggestions, critiques, or comments are greatly appreciated.

Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from ï for example, your family, community or school ï and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Within myself I feel as if certain energies both ooze out of and surge into my core. Flowing toward vital organs are support and acceptance while autonomous perseverance glow from my shoulders. I call earlier fortitude and the latter willpower. My family and friends provide an understandable encouragement for the decisions I make. One may contemplate why an Iranian Muslim mother and an American Jewish father would accept me, their child, becoming Christian. I cannot pinpoint the reason except that they exert their force onto me.

Looking through photographs from two years ago one can see what used to be meïa corpulent teenager. Flipping through more photos shows a triumphant transformation of what semblance I currently holdïa lean senior. Those old pictures represent the motivation, desire, and dream that enabled me to lose the weight. I told my fit friend that the time came to tone my flesh into brawn. He acknowledged my decision and contributed not only the proper diet and exercise but the overall blueprint for what I aimed to achieve. From the appropriate adjustments in daily routines stemmed the birth of a person who now earned confidence, courage, and one of the most significant of characteristics.

Initiative possibly became, pardon me, became my middle name. Monday through Thursday after school, I felt as if I was an entrepreneur while I tutored mathematics. Lacking a teaching credential, I sat in with the underclassmen or the customers and quickly recalled upon the geometric, algebraic, trigonometric, or pre-calculus topics of previous years. Next I applied various methods of teaching for the way in which they gained an optimal comprehension. Whether they grasped a topic best by drawing a picture to model a situation, explaining using verbatim on how to approach a particular problem, or walking them through it step by step. Tutoring enlightened me and aspiration bloomed. I cannot fathom when I am old enough to be a mentor and father.

From all the previous qualitiesïthe zeal of fortitude and willpower, the gained confidence and courage, and now initiativeïI formulated the next, according to Erik Erikson's Psychosocial Stages, five stepping stones of my life. Identity: I plan to earn a degree in Biochemistry and become an Oral Surgeon. Intimacy: As the majority of males, find a partner and grow a family. Generativity: To teach not only my children, but my grandchildren many of the attributes I have. Most importantly, I want to keep up with my exercising so that giving up the popular pastime of throwing and catching will not be an option. Integrity: With this vision, I will be able to look back on my past, through all the growth and changes, through all the joy and adversity, through all the relationshipsïboth good and badïso that I can bestow the energies of fortitude and willpower on society for when the time comes, I will be ready to pass.

Remember that the prompt isn't simply describe your world it's also relating it also asks you to tell how that world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

You go from Christianity to losing weight to math. I feel like you only describe your world in
"My family and friends provide encouragement for the decisions I make. One may contemplate why an Iranian Muslim mother and an American Jewish father would accept me, their child, becoming Christian. I cannot pinpoint the reason except that they exert their force onto me."

and you only talk about your dreams and aspirations in
"I formulated the next, according to Erik Erikson's Psychosocial Stages, five stepping stones of my life. Identity: I plan to earn a degree in Biochemistry and become an Oral Surgeon. Intimacy: As the majority of males, find a partner and grow a family."

but your world and dreams aren't related.

The majority of your personal statement should be about your dreams and aspirations. And it's a lot better to be straightforward then say things like

"Within myself I feel as if certain energies both ooze out of and surge into my core. Flowing toward vital organs are support and acceptance while autonomous perseverance glow from my shoulders."

Write about why you want to become an Oral surgeon. Why do you want to start a family? But focus more on the oral surgeon part.

For example:
My friend is an athlete that got injured on multiple occasions. After going through physical therapy she realized that was the profession she wanted to enter because of her experiences in therapy and the help and comfort she received from it.

There is an overload of vocab in the first few sentences. I had a similar problem in the first paragraph of my essay.

Try to tone it down as I did.

Each paragraph is really nicely written - but what your paragraphs lack is the unity they need to become an essay. try to choose one of your achievements/accomplishments and focus on that.

also, tell us why you want to go into the oral surgery/etc. and how your experiences have shaped this decision, and why you are proud of it.

your essay is off to a good start, but its far too scattered and unrelated between the paragraphs - i feel like each one is the beginning of a separate essay. choose your strongest one and expand on it, and tie it into that last paragraph. you are a good writer and i think you can do it.

good luck :)

btw if anyone minds my essay just needs a little comment in the right direction...?